Depressed, In Relationship, Attracted to Heroin User

I feel like my life has turned into a complete WRECK. I feel like I'm about to go down a path that's horrible.

About 4 years ago I was intensely attracted to this very intelligent, talented man. We flirted a lot, then I was informed that he's been on and off heroin for years, he's an alcoholic, he's tried to kill himself multiple times, been institutionalized 12 times, etc. I must've been a lot smarter back then, because I lost all interest in dating him. This doesn't mean I stopped being attracted to him, it just means I knew better.

I've been dating another guy for over 2 years. He is utterly perfect. Respectful, lets me be independent, smart, funny, cultured, well rounded. I've always said that he's like the more stable version of the druggy guy. We've had problems here and there because I have OCD, depression, anxiety and all that. He's helped me get some assistance for my mental issues. I'm currently on Prozac. I started it in January and recently had my dosage upped to 40mg about two weeks ago.

The issue is that my depression has gotten me into a very destructive mode as of late. I'm teetering on alcoholism, I've started to self harm, I have suicidal thoughts, I shaved my hair off. My anorexic tendencies have come back. The other day I considered becoming an online cam girl. These are all things that are NOTHING like me. I don't know what happened. When I don't have urges to destroy my life I want to marry my boyfriend. But lately, I just want to implode it all even though I know it's the worst thing I can do.

This is all went from bad to worse last week when I saw the druggy guy for the first time in a while. I drank too much, took my meds at the same time, and smoked weed. The druggy guy and I ended up hanging all over each other. We definitely crossed a few lines that shouldn't have been crossed, especially with my boyfriend being there to see me do all of this. I also apparently hit my boyfriend numerous times, but I was too black out drunk to remember this. I am so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. This same guy has been to known to cause havoc in other people's relationships. A friend of mine nearly lost her then-fiance because of him.

As you can expect, now my relationship is a wreck. I am lucky that my boyfriend will even speak to me. I love my boyfriend. He is my rock. Our relationship is mostly healthy, aside from me being unstable. But part of me wants to run off to the other guy and destroy my life. What's wrong with me? Why is this happening? Is it my depression, am I a bad person, do I have some other mental health issue? Should I go to therapy? Is it my upped dosage that's doing this? I'm so confused and worried about myself.

Hi l1981,

You seem to understand your conflicted wants very well, so that's a good start. Also for whatever it's worth, a lot of the topics on this forum are from people who have fundamentally conflicted wants; myself included.

We can only make guesses though what is behind the conflict, and the only person who really knows what's behind the conflict is you, so while it sounds like stock advise, it remains good advise, yes to the idea of talking with a therapist or someone who specializes in mental health.

It does seem some people suffer from depression primarily due to biological causes, or illicit drug use, and even though they can't explain what exactly is wrong with their life, they feel depressed. Depression is insidious. It can result in people going into a downward spiral, thoughts leading to actions that damage their life, so more reason to feel depressed, over and over.

You also wrote about taking Prozac, and of course it's possible that has something to do with feeling self-destructive too, something to be brought up with the doctor who prescribed the medication. There are other anti-depressants, some of which may work better for you. I'd talk it over with her or him if you don't feel it's working.