working through the beginning relationship

First; as I wake up, Im going through the Napoleon small man complex! its horrid. Im making a fool out of myself everywhere I go! Im trying to make myself out to be the big man, when Im a mouse! and I must control everything and everyone around me that they see me as the emperor with no clothing.... and accept me as the big man! I must keep up appearances and image to hide my faultily weak personalities. Im in love with myself because I don't love myself.

Ive been in love with myself and married to my self for generations. Between my narcissism and hatred, there has been no room for anyone but mental illness and addiction.

New Relationship;


Im getting triggered because Im in a relationship! I do not have control!


Im in the beginning of a relationship; a real relationship with a real person; not a fictitious marmalade dream created from Dissociative disorder!

Coming from a mentally ill stand point, its been horrific in the beginning! Im still in the beginning, But Im coming out of it!

Ive worked through the trust part of; she needs time to know Im safe!
I had to have therapists and others help me understand this concept of girl safety!

Im now struggling with; she does not want to show public affection! I have to let this go until she is ready! If I threaten, she tells me nothing can be done! she can show affection in-doors but not outdoors. She is just starting to allow me to hold her hand indoors.

I want a girlfriend I can throw around a bit when Im outside! hold hands, chase, hug, kiss, laugh uncontrollably! someone that is not afraid to jump into my lap in front of people!

So, Im going through this trial period for public display of affection.

Is she my girlfriend; sorta!?: She is exclusive to me, and she doeth like me, thats been proven! But,, she needs time to make sure Im safe;, so Im in the waiting period! I can start to hold her hand, she wont allow me to kiss her just yet, Almost, but not again, until she understand my mental problems...

And all of this is forcing me to grow in the areas that have been protected and silent but trapped and cornered... The doors are coming of the cell that has been protecting the broken child within; I am scared, nervous, and confused! But I am aware of the light coming through. However, the last people allowed in this cell block spot destroyed me! so I am scared; anyone coming into this cell will destroy me; thats what I think. They say I can trust them, they Im blanked out!
So far she has not destroyed me!

She took of for a trip to a convention! she did not invite me! Was she suppose to! will she sleep with someone else! she said no! all I can do is learn to trust!

I need to keep on my toes! if this girl does not work out, I need the skill to keep looking for others!

Im not happy at the way Im being controlled. Im not sure what is going on! its murky! But everything appears OK!

Time will tell! but at some point, if she does not snap up, and get some of this stuff in line, I will leave! I will have no choice! and Im scared about that! I don't want to look again for a girlfriend!