I want to be wanted

Why do I want to be wanted?

Why do I want to be the object of another's desire?

I see this with relationships. For example, romantically. At first I am elated that someone wants me, that she wants to be with me. But at a certain point, she has me. She no longer wants to be with me, she is with me. And I begin to lose interest.

It’s not just a romantic thing either. I feel the same with about friends. I could even use pets as an example. I want them to be excited to see me, to want me to pet them. So its not even just with people. Its like this basic, basic trait.

I wonder if people who are more mentally stable don’t want to be wanted as much as I do.

I think man has wanted to be wanted since the beginning of time.
Our chances of survival are greater if we belong to a family, a tribe, or village.
Needing each other is very common in the animal kingdom and insect realm.
Wolfs have packs, Bees have swarms, birds have flocks...

You add a very interesting twist.
If I understand you correctly, the process of getting to know somebody new, particularly if there is romantic connection, excites you. Once you know each other, the excitement is gone. I assume the relationship ends. I think this would make relationships fast, intense, and short.

I can't help you here. I think discussing this with a therapist would be helpful.
Perhaps you will find "The one and only" but if not, talking about your relationships with a therapist may help you.

I was the same. When I was younger and so naive, I would try to impress anyone I had just met in hopes of getting them to really want me or basically have them revolve around me. Poor developed emotional and social skills I would say.

skilsaw got the gist of it down. Another aspect is control. If someone really likes you or wants you, most likely they will hang off of your every word, and this brings you a form of control over the person that wants you. This is why people improve themselves, or change into better "lure" or "bait" to catch their "fish" or to simply have MORE CONTROL.

Working out, tattoos, staying fit, being smart, being rich, going to school, or ANY reason that will fill someone else's desire will "make" them want you, because you now control what THEY want.

Negative emotions, or lack of positive ones that create an idle vacuum are Life alarm systems for "You're not doing your job, make babies and make sure life continues, but you can't do that if you are waiting to be wanted, so you will suffer until you make yourself wanted." This is sort of forced suffering is an ancient function that is left over from our primitive past that was to ensure survival because conditions were so tough, you would die if you waited around to be wanted. It was imperative that life went on regardless of your desires.

So, you wanting to be wanted is a way of cheating to convince life that you have filled it's obligation, because if you are wanted, that means you are going in the right direction and closer to making babies. The initial reward is your "wanting" will be satisfied, then the jackpot is the orgasm *mod edit* .....tada! Life! Now care for it until it is self-sufficient and then die...because you have to. Your getting tired of every friendship or relationship because you won't feel safe unless you control your situation, like most humans. This will be the bane to your emotional development because you are looking to control everything outside of you. Maybe because like me, you have given up trying to control the inside.

Nowadays, life has become overcomplicated in an overpopulated world and it's driving everyone mad. This species did it to itself, because the ancient functioning of the powers-that-be gives way to the greed and corruption that has grounded humanity to a grinding halt. Everyone everywhere passing laws, ordinances, rules, policies, guidelines and whatever you name it in order to CONTROL everyone else in the cleverest way possible, so they can stock pile resources to closer guarantee satiating their biological obligation to life. Most will say, "I make my own decisions, and life doesn't tell me what to do!" Hardly. The fact that you want ANYTHING is proof.

Life is a scam, and we're all fools for "wanting" anything. I don't believe we choose anything. When faced with an itch on our body, no amount of psychology, philosophy or any sentient decision making mechanism will scratch it.

Thank you both for your very insightful responses.

Skilsaw, bringing the relationship bit up with a therapist is a good move, I will do so.

i!Polar, bringing into the equation the bit about control I think is key.

Nowadays, life has become overcomplicated in an overpopulated world and it's driving everyone mad. This species did it to itself, because the ancient functioning of the powers-that-be gives way to the greed and corruption that has grounded humanity to a grinding halt. Everyone everywhere passing laws, ordinances, rules, policies, guidelines and whatever you name it in order to CONTROL everyone else in the cleverest way possible, so they can stock pile resources to closer guarantee satiating their biological obligation to life.

This. Absolutely. In some of my manic moments it was like breaking free of all the rules and laws and guidelines. For example, I remember looking at people's houses and realizing that "ownership" was a concept, an agreed upon social contract, and that in reality houses were really simply a collection of materials. If I stepped on someones property without their consent, it would give the police the right to throw me in a prison. But that "right" is only because its a law we all agreed to. However, *I* never explicitly agreed to it. This isn't to say I wouldn't (or don't) given the chance, only to point out I never had any say in the matter myself.

I also feel this with social rules. We have unspoken customs about not talking to people we don't know. It drives me nuts. I'm in the city surrounded by millions of people and I feel rather lonely but I can't say a word to any of the thousands of people walking past me, who are all totally indifferent to my existence. In some manic moments I struck up a few conversations with some strangers. At the time, it was a liberating experience. But I know now it struck them as interesting but very strange, and I don't seek to replicate it. I myself would probably not welcome such interaction. But mostly just because it would be taken as a sign that the person was either a) unaware of or b) intentionally breaking our unspoken rules. What other social rules would they break? Of course there are appropriate channels and social customs for meeting others and engaging with others, but for whatever reason they don't serve me very well. (and probably fail many others too).

Life is a scam, and we're all fools for "wanting" anything. I don't believe we choose anything. When faced with an itch on our body, no amount of psychology, philosophy or any sentient decision making mechanism will scratch it.

I still hold out hope that I can have better quality interactions with people. When you think about the people who you are attracted to, they are usually the ones who don't seem to want you to want them. They play "hard to get". I think this is true for friends as well as romantic partners. People who seem like they aren't very concerned about whether you like them or not tend to be the people you want to hang with.

I'd like to get to that place. But if I do it just so that other people will like me more... Catch-22!!

So a further question came to me.

Let us assume, as you say i!polar, that we cannot make this itch go away. That it will always be there. That when I finally end up in a relationship (its been awhile), after some time I will get the itch again and feel the need to find another who wants me.

Let us assume, as you say i!polar, that it is inevitable. But then what? I just read a bit from Lacan on the subject that may be relevant, you could tell me what you think:

Lacan says that as long as our partners need, they will demand; and that demand, more than for any object, will be a demand for love and recognition. Rather than simply answering that demand with things and object that could prove our love, Lacan is suggesting here that for relationships to be successful we should put at their core the very inability to satisfy this demand. That is, rather than believing that anything we give or do will demonstrate our love, we should take the lack of the Other as our object. The mistake we are most likely to make is in assuming that the Other’s lack can be objectivised – that is is the lack of this or that particular object, like roses on Valentine’s Day.

thoughts?

Well now you are treading into the empty canvas that is your reason to continue to exist, or your "Then What." You can paint it with "I want to be wanted, over and over again, THAT's what I want" or You can paint it with "I want to have a meaningful relationship, where I get to teach AND learn from my significant other." Where we pay attention to each others needs with which are met with love and compassion (Time and resources)." After a while the "wow" factor wears off and now it's time to enjoy each others company.

I figure that it's not so much that you want to be wanted, but to have a burning desire for something that WANTS YOU. You want to DESIRE the person that WANTS you. Correct me if I'm wrong. Since relationships are "highly valued" in society, we gravitate towards defining our desires with the very standards set by society.

TED Talks are really cool, I have seen a few and I either end up learning something new, or the talk affirms what I already felt to be true. Honestly, there are no solid answers, because we have no definitive reference point. In our arrogance to keep static what is always in dynamic motion, we tried to solidify reference points with God, Religion, other good people with good behaviors that resulted in desired benefits, to adhere to. Since you are a One-Off Steven Miller, there is no other like you to refer to and ask "...what now?" This means that you will have to custom calibrate the ratios of everything in your life to fit your never-required-before needs.

I've entered A relationship before where I have asked myself "What now?", and I have come to the conclusion that if it's not critical, I don't have to comply to the standard, because if I am asking myself this, either I'm being made to comply, or I'm not ready to move on to the next step which will answer "Now this".

Don't worry too much, we are all lost anyway. I mean really. No one has any idea what the hell is going on and the smartest people just have MORE reference points to hold against their own decisions for contrast, which just brings more questions with less answers tossed in an infinite loop.

There are enough people being born that it doesn't really matter if a large population survives or not, much less happy or content. Personally this make me humble, because it reminds me that I don't have to set out to accomplish some massive goal, or to give a $#%^ at all really.

Well thank you for your thoughtful responses. This probably belongs in the relationship forum anyhoo.

stevenmiller0070 wrote:Why do I want to be wanted?

Why do I want to be the object of another's desire?

Only you can really answer those questions. What do you think is at the root of or triggering those desires.

stevenmiller0070 wrote:I wonder if people who are more mentally stable don’t want to be wanted as much as I do.

Maybe. When dealing with low levels of stress, I'm fairly mentally stable and I don't have any strong desire to be the object of another person desires.