nonsense and lack of communication

For those following my threads on this girl recently, I decided to just go back to being her friend until she gets her head together if that happens. This was not mutual it was just the thing to do for me, it was just getting ridiculous and beyond any reason.

One thing I noticed that I cant explain is her lack of self awareness for lack of a better term.

For example she doesnt notice herself losing interest, she cant point out something that will make her lose interest and she just makes excuses for everything such as not replying to an sms her excuse was "I was just busy" even when I call her out on it, she just sticks to it.

When I ask her why she is still seeing her ex her tone of voice changes to story mode and when I ask why it wont work out it starts getting shakey. So she lies, every girl does no surprise there but what I dont understand is the nonsense communication, why cant she just say "I am losing interest in you, stop contacting me so often".

Is this just a maturity thing? Perhaps its normal for most women but she is insistent that she was still interested.

I feel like I was being used to keep herself emotionally distant from her ex and also to make him jelous.

Hey SB,

It seemed the prevailing theory in your last thread is that she may be the kind of person who wants both; the guy who treats her well/safe, and the guy who doesn't. That may seem to make no sense, but it happens, some people want the benefits, or emotional thrills of the later, while also wanting the security of the former.

If that's what is going on, keep in mind it's near impossible for one person to fulfill both needs, at least not indefinitely. You can try but sooner or later your true nature will come out, and if that happens to be the guy who treats her well, safe, low-drama, etc., there is nothing wrong with that. Some women will greatly appreciate that, but some people grow bored without the emotional roller-coaster.

I guess that's a maturity thing, or a personality thing. She may never out grow it, or she may at some point where she is older and her energy levels die down, or maybe not.

It's good to see you are doing what's best for you

SBBro wrote:but what I dont understand is the nonsense communication, why cant she just say "I am losing interest in you, stop contacting me so often".

My first thought is that it's not in her best interests to say she's losing interest in you. It's better for her to continue to profess interest, rather than say something along those lines and risk potential negative long-term consequences to herself.

I feel like I was being used to keep herself emotionally distant from her ex and also to make him jelous.

That's not out of the question, but it's also possible that she's simply maximizing her options or that she's hedging her bets for the future. From one perspective, it makes sense that a woman would like to keep a handful of guys around just so that she has someone to fall back on if something doesn't work out. The worst thing that can happen is that she goes broke and is left with nothing in the end.

We had another chat over text message and she told a different story, she pretty much confirmed my concerns and said she never felt a spark and that it had nothing to do with her ex, she just does not see me as a match.

I can only conclude that she saw me mainly to make her ex jealous, and perhaps also as a rebound or to at least to fill in some male attention.


The worst thing is she never gave me any constructive criticism so I dont know what to work on for my next relationship, but I guess I should work on being attracted to normal women, I will bring this up with my psychiatrist.
The next worst thing is she has allowed it to ruin the friendship, we went from being pleasantly mutual with meeting up and talking to her just giving insultingly bad excuses not to meet and not replying.

Regarding her honesty(obviously she was no honest about everything, so perhaps I should use the word openness instead), it seems obvious she was only honest with me because she did not really care about the outcome of our relationship.

SBBro wrote:We had another chat over text message and she told a different story, she pretty much confirmed my concerns and said she never felt a spark and that it had nothing to do with her ex, she just does not see me as a match.

I apologize for making this a "told you so" moment, but this is a good opportunity for you to gain knowledge. Remember in one of your earlier posts when you stated that you knew she was trying to do something and I retorted that you didn't know that she was doing anything. How right was I in the end?The lesson here is that words mean nothing and only actions are meaningful.

The worst thing is she never gave me any constructive criticism so I dont know what to work on for my next relationship

A good place to start is to stop using lazy euphenisms in place or clearly defined concepts for what you're looking for. A lazy euphenism is basically a front for saying I don't know what I want and I'm just idly waiting around for something to happen. The reality is that you never had any idea or made it known what you wanted from her in the first place. You never firmly communicated your position and set boundaries for what type of treatment you would tolerate from her, thus she never felt pressured to act in accordance with your wishes nor did she in the end.

Yep you were right, I didnt think someone could be so unreadable.

A good place to start is to stop using lazy euphenisms in place or clearly defined concepts for what you're looking for. A lazy euphenism is basically a front for saying I don't know what I want and I'm just idly waiting around for something to happen. The reality is that you never had any idea or made it known what you wanted from her in the first place. You never firmly communicated your position and set boundaries for what type of treatment you would tolerate from her, thus she never felt pressured to act in accordance with your wishes nor did she in the end.

I dont think it would of made a difference, especially because it seems she did not value me at all not even as a friend.
I pressured her enough towards the end and it made no difference at all.
We both made it clear early on we let things slide unknown except for when it will continue to be an issue we will bring it up, I bought up that she is being too distant and it just continued. Also I dont feel seeing a girl non-exclusively is grounds for setting such rules either, if it was a committed relationship sure. I also in no way expected us to become more distant as friends, this was a learning experience for me as it was a rare situation(going from friends to anything more). Respect and such seemed good beforehand, but evidently was never there.

SBBro wrote:Yep you were right, I didnt think someone could be so unreadable.

But she wasn't unreadable. The problem is that you were placing emphasis on the wrong things. You placed greater weight on her words and the way she emoted rather than on the actions she actually took. She's only unreadable is if you take her words to be gospel and ignore her actual actions. The moment that she remained intimate with her ex boyfriend should have been a red flag that her words were deceptive if you were discerning the situation like you could have.

Well I still dont doubt she will eventually leave him, she is just waiting for a suitable guy to replace him.
This is going by her actions alone.