Ending relationship..

So my relationship with my boyfriend is pretty much over but no one will end it. We were fine until our one-year (although I had my doubts about us making it) but then he broke up with me out of the blue via text when he was drunk, claiming the next day that he didn't remember sending it but that he did think we should talk as there were things he wasn't happy with anymore. I was devastated and cried like crazy but at the same time I wasn't as disappointed as I should have been which made me think it wasn't right anyways.

One month later, and we haven't seen each other (used to see each other almost every day). It's not that we're saying no to hanging out with each other it's just that no one is really making an effort. I'm too scared of "the talk" that will come if we hang out. He removed the relationship status from facebook (so it's just hidden but doesn't say in a relationship or single) but claims we are still together or that it's "up to me" when I ask.

The more I read about signs to know it's over the more I feel like it really is over, but I'm scared. I know it's probably for the best that it's over because I could see myself having these same feelings (my doubts are centered around the fact that I don't think I'm being treated the best and deserve better- although I'm not being treated bad by any means) years down the road and being too comfortable to leave since I can't even seem to do it now when the opportunity has presented itself.

I'm scared for us to break up because I was at my lowest point right before we started dating and am scared I'll end up there again due to the depression this breakup will put me back in. I also know that if I am the one to end it I will wonder if I made a mistake for the rest of my life. It may hurt worse though it he breaks up with me (although he pretty much already did) but I can't just sit around waiting for one of us to end it anymore.

Ideally we'd work things out (I don't even really know his reasoning for wanting to end it since we haven't talked much about it) since we love each other (he's continued to say he loves me in the past month- we even text constantly and act like nothing's wrong still). I think one of the reasons I'm avoiding our talk though is because I don't want to work things out. First serious relationship so I guess I was under the fairytale impression that I wouldn't have to "work" for it or fight for us to stay together. Him not exactly trying to work things out either makes me believe he is thinking the same things I am. I feel as if we may be doomed at this point but I just don't know what to do about it.

Any tips on how to end it or why I should fight for us? :/

Hey dpl4 -

I have no advice on what to do, but can relate to reaching that point in a relationship. Things are comfy/habit, and it sounds like you both do still care about each other, just also it sounds like you've both reached a point of not really being sure if it's worth fighting for.

Again I really have no advice. You could ask him why his feelings changed, but odds are he will have his own set of questions in reply, and answering might be harder than hearing. Having that conversation could accelerate things either way

On the flip side, sometimes there really is nothing wrong except that few, if any, relationships really can live up to the honeymoon phase ideal indefinitely. There is so much focus on aspects of the relationship that are fading that there is no appreciation for what is growing.

I sense you are stronger than you think and given the amount of time you have spent ruminating about this you may have done all the processing you need to do already (i.e. All the crying you did, the wondering, the doubt etc...)

Have you had thoughts about what could be next? Have you looked at any other guys and thought what-if?

JustHelpful wrote:I sense you are stronger than you think and given the amount of time you have spent ruminating about this you may have done all the processing you need to do already (i.e. All the crying you did, the wondering, the doubt etc...)

Have you had thoughts about what could be next? Have you looked at any other guys and thought what-if?

Thank you, I hope so. I have had a few thoughts of other guys but it's mostly just past flings, no one I actually have feelings for or would want to date. I would never cheat but I'm guessing some part of me is starting to realize that'd be an "easy way out" which is what I want but not in that way.

I'm starting to think maybe our relationship has already ended and it's just not going to have an official ending. I'm the type of person that needs things to be clarified but maybe to him he's thinking after a month of not seeing each other that we're already done because it's obvious we're not fighting for it? Maybe I'm just being paranoid that I'll attempt to save something that's already gone in his eyes. Or maybe I'm hoping that it'll become my mindset and I can just let him go without needing to have the dreaded talk. :/

xdude wrote:Hey dpl4 -

I have no advice on what to do, but can relate to reaching that point in a relationship. Things are comfy/habit, and it sounds like you both do still care about each other, just also it sounds like you've both reached a point of not really being sure if it's worth fighting for.

Again I really have no advice. You could ask him why his feelings changed, but odds are he will have his own set of questions in reply, and answering might be harder than hearing. Having that conversation could accelerate things either way

On the flip side, sometimes there really is nothing wrong except that few, if any, relationships really can live up to the honeymoon phase ideal indefinitely. There is so much focus on aspects of the relationship that are fading that there is no appreciation for what is growing.

Thanks it's also good to know others understand. I definitely agree that it'd be hard hearing his answers as well as answering his questions. Accelerating things would be good though because I'm sick of not knowing where we stand. I like your last line I need to look and see what has grown and if it's all been fading then it's not worth staying together anyways.

Hi dpl4,

I see that this thread has been ongoing for a few months now - I'm curious as to where you stand?

I'm similar to you in that I also like clarity and black-and-white boundaries when it comes to relationships. As much as it annoys me to lack that straightforward clarity, I hate "the talk" as well. My last 2 serious relationships both dragged on for quite a while before ending... sometimes it's just a matter of getting to a point where you realize you're done. I think sometimes trying to force it before that time just leads to getting back together, having regrets, etc... But try to stay honest with yourself about whether you've reached that point. You don't want to waste your time, you know?

But, from my own personal experience, I will say that it will probably still hurt after the break-up, no matter now long you've been leading up to it. I used to think that I was so done with things that breaking up would be a relief - and in some ways, my breakups were... But, I think the most difficult part is getting over that lingering hope. While you're still "together", no matter how bad things are, there is still hope. Once you separate, it's almost like a shock to the system (at least that's how it's been for me)... no matter how convinced I was that I didn't want to be in a relationship, I would, without fail, start doubting myself after the breakup and wouldn't want to give up the hope of things working out. My last relationship actually just ended for real, after being dragged out for a while and I'm still struggling with those extremes of wanting to move on vs. wanting to go back and "make it work"... ugh, relationships

my only "advice" is to stay strong - breakups happen. Be honest with yourself about whether you're happy and whether that can change while you stay with this person. You deserve someone who is going to love you, not someone who is sticking around because he doesn't have the courage to make the first break. You'll get through it. Hopefully I'll get through mine too Good luck, be strong!