Flaked for ex boyfriend

xdude wrote:Hey SBBro -

I think some people are conflicted in what they want. There is no great analogy, but it's somewhat like wanting to be healthier on the one hand, and at the same time wanting to eat food that is not good for us on the other. It's not entirely a matter of being honest, both wants are true, it's more about wanting the best of both without the trade-offs/negatives of either (and maybe not taking responsibility for the choice either way).

The longer term concern is that she may leave this other guy, but if she is someone who has a fundamentally conflicted personality that aspect of her nature isn't likely to change long term.

Good post. What SBBro hasn't considered is that even if she leaves this guy for him she could eventually cheat on him with a guy who is exactly like this "ex" boyfriend. I don't think the poster knows enough about the "ex" boyfriend, there's something about him which she's really fascinated with and it might be a trait which SBBro doesn't have so she will lose interest in SBBro.

I have lost a bit of interest in her since she flaked on me and I have stepped back a bit, I should of already made a date with her by now but I havent. We still chat a lot on FB as usual but I am just waiting for her to ask to meet up and then I am gonna tell her when I see her not to make plans with me she can not keep.
I just dont know what to do if in a weeks time we havent met up, I dont know how to take it or what to say, one problem she has is when she is not with someone she forgets they exist so I am assuming she is not going to make any plans herself and we will now go a week without meeting up, I would have to confront her but dont know what angle to take.

Naturally I would feel inclined to tell her off and ask her to start making some effort.

SBBro wrote:...I dont know how to take it or what to say, one problem she has is when she is not with someone she forgets they exist...

I really don't know her, but it sounds like you want a safe/peaceful relationship long term?

You had written above that you are attracted to cluster B personality types, but then you probably also know about that this 'forgetting' aspect (some call people refer to this as 'lack of object consistency').

Also it has been a fairly common topic on the HPD forum (I haven't read through the BPD forum, but possibly the same applies) that some people with that disorder find themselves wanting both types of relationships; a safe/reliable person, but then vacillating between wanting that and wanting a relationship where there is turmoil. It seems that often someone with a cluster B personality is attracted to others with similar issues, because on some level they can relate to each other in a way that others cannot.

I do wish you well no matter your decision, but I also think others are just expressing concern that long term you'll end up hurt. On the plus side you mentioned she is counseling so if she is working on her issues it's hopeful that it could work out too.

Safe but does not have to be peaceful, although its not my preference I can deal with a little bit of chaos and violence as long as its not directed at my Achilles heel (a particular possession of mine she knows about, I have an expensive car).

I have heard the term of object consistancy and that its related to BPD but I have not looked in to it, I will tonight.

Even though I am confirmed multiple times not to be cluster B myself, we can relate on an abnormal level which she cant with her ex, he is disturbed by the stuff on liveleak where as I am not, although I draw a line closer than she does its still very far off whats considered acceptable.
I dont feel as comfortable with most normal people, they dont share my lack of moral disgust or schadenfreude.

Thanks, I do appreciate the concern, I know my decision isnt a healthy one but I am attracted to what I am attracted to and I have tried multiple times to change that and I cant, I just couldnt be attracted to a normal girl and I dont even know if a normal girl could be happy with me. I plan to minimise risk as much as possible and anticipate likely negative outcomes as well as the psychological fallout from it, I know about gaslighting and such, I started this account due to my Scum Bag Brother who is high functioning AsPD.

I just post here about this for strategic advice not guidance.

Read the original post and here are my thoughts:

SBBro wrote:Known this girl for about 2 months and been seeing her for about a month who is still seeing her ex, she says she can never be happy with him and has scheduled to end it soon when it is more convenient, I know she will because she has spoken about the repercussions of it to me and how she will deal with them.

So you actually don't know anything.

SBBro wrote:Tonight we were suppose to meet up... instead she is spending the night with her ex

Should I take this as a big red flag not to invest too much in to her or is it normal for some girls to not be in to a guy much at the start then things start to grow?

"...start to grow"? I don't even know what that means and I suspect that maybe you don't either. It reads like empty words that don't convey much. What do you think it means and what would constitute a "big red flag" not to invest to you?

From your other posts, it reads like you're just kind of hanging around to see what will happen and you're not particularly invested in her to begin with. Is that sort of an accurate assessment of the situation? Nowhere as far as I can tell is it implicitly or explicitly stated what you're hoping will happen regarding this woman. If she's just a sexual fling, does it really matter to you if she has some LTR red flags? There may be other red flags surrounding her not regarding a potential long-term relationship, but perhaps those which are relevant to a long-term relationship wouldn't be particularly pressing to you.

Kabuhi wrote:So you actually don't know anything.

What?

Kabuhi wrote:"...start to grow"? I don't even know what that means and I suspect that maybe you don't either. It reads like empty words that don't convey much. What do you think it means and what would constitute a "big red flag" not to invest to you?

From your other posts, it reads like you're just kind of hanging around to see what will happen and you're not particularly invested in her to begin with. Is that sort of an accurate assessment of the situation? Nowhere as far as I can tell is it implicitly or explicitly stated what you're hoping will happen regarding this woman. If she's just a sexual fling, does it really matter to you if she has some LTR red flags? There may be other red flags surrounding her not regarding a potential long-term relationship, but perhaps those which are relevant to a long-term relationship wouldn't be particularly pressing to you.

Start to grow means for feelings to develop. You seem to be unreasonably doubtful of me.
And why are you putting a question back on me?
A big red flag would be her messaging someone else constantly on a date and then taking ages to respond to my messages because this goes way beyond disinterest and also to disrespect AND all women consciously know its not acceptable behaviour so its completely inexcusable.

You are right in your assessment except that I am obsessing right now so you could say I am a bit emotionally invested. My simple explanation is I am planning ahead.

SBBro wrote:Known this girl for about 2 months and been seeing her for about a month who is still seeing her ex, she says she can never be happy with him and has scheduled to end it soon when it is more convenient, I know she will because she has spoken about the repercussions of it to me and how she will deal with them.

Tonight we were suppose to meet up, it was planned 2 days ago but today when I went to confirm she tells me that instead she is spending the night with her ex which they usually do on this particular night of the week because the next day they always spend together.

I dont know what to make of this, to me it seems she is more interested in him than me but she isnt even happy with him, so I could conclude she isnt happy with me either although she knows him a lot better and is still just starting to get to know me. It just still seems a bit off she will rather see her ex than a new guy.

Should I take this as a big red flag not to invest too much in to her or is it normal for some girls to not be in to a guy much at the start then things start to grow?

She doesn't like you. She likes her ex. There is nothing to analyze or figure out. She is not an option. Don't invest 10 more minutes in this.

sorry bro but she's probably f*cking him behind your back, how can she be seeing both of you? you're acting like a beta, leave her, because it's stupid.

Actually she told him yesterday she is seeing other guys in the hopes he would start seeing other girls.
Today he got the shits and she is breaking it off now.

We have a FWB relationship I cant see how having that is beta.

SBBro wrote:Actually she told him yesterday she is seeing other guys in the hopes he would start seeing other girls.
Today he got the shits and she is breaking it off now.

We have a FWB relationship I cant see how having that is beta.

FWB is destructive nonsense from people who don't like to commit to one relationship and don't like you enough to stop screwing other people. If she is FWB with you what's to stop her from screwing some other guy she becomes friends with? Will you ever be her exclusive boyfriend? Do you care?

By the way, FWB garbage was popularized by TV shows and magazines in the 1990's and the attitude that such behavior is acceptable has led to an insane amount of cheating and a lack of trust in relationships. By taking part in it you are endorsing negative behavior which harms the whole society. Also, the fact that you settle for relationships which aren't exclusive means you are lacking in self respect, you feel that sexual interaction with a woman is such a great prize you'll take table scraps rather than the full committed relationship meal you deserve. At no time in what you've written about this girl have you ever sounded like the one with the power in the relationship. Why has she never waited for you to break up with your girlfriend? Why aren't you forcing her to follow your time table?