How to recover from heartback

Hello everyone,

I recently decided to go no contact with my ex girlfriend. I wanted us to get back together after being apart for over 9 months despite everything she's done in the past (something I've mentioned in previous posts) because I still love her. She wasn't interested in that despite once telling me that I was her soulmate. Her true love. She has now moved on and has a new boyfriend, someone who she is apparently planning on moving in with. So since she told me we have no future, I've blocked her on Facebook. Blocked her calls, texts and other messages. I can't bear to be in contact with her after hearing that. Despite me being the one that decided I no longer wanted us to stay in touch, it's really hurting me. I miss her so much. Her touch. Her face. The kisses, cuddles, love-making and holding her in my arms while she slept. She is the only girl I have ever loved and I knew from the start that I had feelings for her. I think back to all the memories we made. All the special times we had and how painful it is now there is no chance of us ever getting back together. I was so comfortable with her, something I've never been with any girlfriend I've ever had. I genuinely believed we would be together forever. It's almost 10 months since we broke up and I still don't feel like I've moved on at all. The memories I have of us plague me every day and I have no clue as to how to move on. Anyway, I just want to hear what's worked for you guys who've been in a similar situation to mine? What helped you in terms of recovering from the break-up of a relationship with someone you really loved?

Thanks in advance.

LondonGuy

You appear to be in a position where you continually think thoughts that are not very helpful. (i.e. remembering how much you miss her etc... as you did in this post).

Things trigger thoughts and emotions. Its like you are playing a broken record. And if you can't get to a new record right now at least you do have the power to scratch the one you are playing so you stop listening to it.

Next time you are ruminating on a memory (i.e. oh how I love her lips) you need to scratch that record. Meaning that you imagine something completely absurd. Re-Remember things in ways that don't make sense. If you remember hearing her say something, imagine it in a cartoon voice. If you remember what she looked like, imagine she is wearing a pig mask with streamers. And once you fix on some absurd re-remembrance of it stick to the absurdity. Every time you re-remember that moment at the craziness to it.

Pretty soon you will find it difficult to feel bad (you have a pattern for that and you will basically be messing with it)

Feel free to PM me if you need a bit more guidance in how you can scratch those old thoughts up so they can't continue to make you feel bad.

I don't have any advice. I can only say I feel your pain - it is one of the most painful experiences to be without someone you love, knowing you cannot be with them. I also have had to sacrifice relationships, knowing I wasn't healthy for those people. I let go because of love. To choose to do something that is hurting you is so soooo hard, I feel you.

I have the memories too, and I try to mask them in unhealthy ways, I'm not in a position to give advice, but I want you to know you're not alone.

The idea of trying to corrupt my memories by making them silly, I cannot do! No way. They are too precious. It might work, it would probably work really well (sounds like some form of CBT), but I don't want it to, they are some of the only real beauty and genuine romantic sentiment I have in my life, why would I want to re-write the things I loved? It sounds like cruel and unusual punishment to me!

Edit: It makes me sad to not have that any longer, but I am happy I once did! The relationships were not healthy, but the unhealthy does not cancel out the sweet moments. The unhealthy just means I can't and won't and shouldn't go back. To me, it doesn't mean I have to throw paint on the parts that were pure beautiful art, they are too lovely to be treated so callously, and I'm finding the idea very triggering.

This conversation kind of reminds me of that movie Sunshine of the Spotless Mind where the guy goes into the center so he can forget the girlfriend that he missed and then when he goes under he grasps desperately to try and save the memories.

He eventually does lose the memories and ends up creating enough mental space and room in his mind that he happens upon her and falls in love again.

I think this sort of mental space is important. There is a sort of romance to holding onto beautiful but painful memories, but overall a romantic is who you are not what you remember, with the additional distance from painful memories you will have the room you need to forge new better relationships coming from a place of more experience.

We have all heard and experienced the whole phenomena of when it rains it pours. Sometimes when things are good you just end up on a roll. And the start of getting on that roll is to be willing to let go of the painful memories.

Thank you both for taking the time to comment. Your replies both make sense to me in different ways.

You are right JustHelpful, I continue to think of the same thoughts pretty much every single day and most of them serve no helpful purpose to me. I seem to be going round and round in circles and don't know how to stop. I like the suggestion that I do/think something absurd. I often list her had points, the things she has done to me and how little I seem to mean to her now. She cheated on me, lied to me, threatened both me and my family, made fun out of some pretty depraved things and no doubt did countless other things I dread to think of. She may well have mental health problems, perhaps borderline personality disorder. I'm no psychiatrist but she seems to match most of the criteria. Thinking of her in a bad light makes me feel any better sure but at the same time I am confused as to how and why I still love her as much as I always have. I don't feel bad about how I was during our relationship. Sure I wasn't perfect and I made mistakes but not to the extent she did. I never treated her the way she treated me because I loved her which makes me think perhaps she never really loved me. All I feel bad about is the way she's moved on so quickly from me by being in a relationship with another man. I just ask myself how can someone who professed her undying love for me not all that long ago can move on so quickly. Thank you for your offer of me PMing you for your guidance, I may well take up your offer.

Netbot, thank you for your reply. You are right, it is one of the most painful experiences a person can go through, not being with someone you love, quite possibly the most painful thing in my life to date. I respect you for letting go of people because you loved them. My ex left me because she said she didn't want us to hurt each other any more. The thing is, I treated her so much better than she ever treated me, that I don't understand why she says I hurt her. I'm not perfect sure, but all I ever wanted was for her to be happy so wouldn't have even dreamed of hurting her. Maybe it's her deflecting so much blame for the breakdown of the relationship. It takes a strong person to let go of someone and I'm sorry for how much it's hurt you.

It's comforting to know that I'm not alone in how I feel, even if we do relate through painful experiences.

The memories I have of our time together will remain with me forever. Part of me wants to forget about the memories we had, the good ones and the bad, so that I can perhaps move on with my life but another part of me treasures them because without them I'd feel even emptier. As you said, memories are precious. I too can see why CBT and other forms of therapy can help those who want to try and move on and forget their memories but I'm not too sure I want to forget them. Because if I did maybe I'd feel as if the relationship never meant anything special.

I'm glad that I experienced love for the first time. I'm glad I knew what it was like to connect with another human being in so many beautiful ways and perhaps now that we're done for good, maybe I am glad that this pain has happened to me while I'm still relatively young so that if I am blessed to find love again, I'll perhaps know what to do differently or what to look out for.

I'm truly sorry you're hurting too and please feel free to message me if you'd like to.