GF haunted by past

I am 17 years old and in my first relationship. My girlfriend is also 17 but she has more relationship experience than me but her longest one was 5 months. We are about to be at the 3 month mark but it feels like we have been through A LOT together so far. One situation that keeps coming up is a traumatic event in her past and I have no idea how to handle it. She was sexually abused by her brother when she was 9-12 years old and she has opened up to me about it before but she says she didn't say much and that there is a lot more to it but I thought she already opened up to me about it. However my problem is she will be in a mood where it just drags her down and it feels as if she is afraid to commit to me. She said she is scared of every guy and that it takes a long time for her to fully trust someone. I feel like she is afraid that I'm going to hurt her. She has sent signs that she is ready to have sex but then all of a sudden she has a bad day and she says she can't because of this. She also mentioned that when we fight it makes her want to wait which concerns me because it makes me think that she thinks I'm going to leave her. We have had our fights but they normally are over small things and it gets resolved pretty quickly. I just don't know how to deal with this. Im not pressuring her into doing anything and it is completely up to her but I just feel like this past event is keeping her from being serious about things. Will she ever move on from this?

biggo wrote:I just don't know how to deal with this. Im not pressuring her into doing anything and it is completely up to her but I just feel like this past event is keeping her from being serious about things. Will she ever move on from this?

Well I am glad to hear that you are not wanting to pressure her. Certainly with a traumatic past that would not be a good thing. Since your girlfriend seems to be motivated to avoid pain (vs. some people motivated to seek pleasure) perhaps I can make a suggestion to both make her more comfortable and help your case out quite a bit.

Since sex is a milestone issue of sorts and she may be afraid of what will happen if you guys sleep together (i.e. pain of you suddenly leaving her, pain of dealing with stuff from her past etc...) I suggest you flip things around a bit.

I would tell her that you care about her deeply (or love her if you guys are saying that) and that you want her to be comfortable and so you want to make a rule that for the next 3 months no matter what 'no sex'. You guys can get super close but you will not allow her or yourself to cross the line out of respect for her so she can have the time she needs to be comfortable with you and trust you.

And most importantly......mean it. What you may find is that once you make this switch she may worry less about potential fear of abandonment or potential fear of feelings she may stir up from the past and instead her motivation may be one of worrying about not satisfying her urges since that becomes the most pressing issue when sex is suddenly not an option. The other items are nothing to worry about anymore since they require sex which is off the table.

If you hold out you basically are the man because she is more or less attacking you and you are the one holding out (for her)

or

If it does not go there, you are the man for being sensitive enough to give her the space she needs to trust you without pressuring and it would not have happened anyways if you had pressured her in this instance but still remains a possibility for you having given her the space she needs.

or

If you try to hold out but she is just too persuasive, well maybe you are not the man anymore because you broke a promise, but at least it will have been her pressing the issue and not you and you can figure out some way to make it up to her

That is my suggestion, she is only 17 (as are you) so I think giving her the space to not worry about what happens if sex happens and instead worry about what happens if sex does not happen is the way to go.