Unhealthy attractions!!

Hello all,

I was wondering if others out there are having the same issues. Firstly, I am currently in treatment for cluster B and C problems and ADHD.
I have just come out of a really intense relationship with a ASPD partner, who was only recently diagnosed. Looking back at my past relationships I can see a clear line, I continue to fall for men with NSPD or ASPD personalities!
I know I have some pretty easy triggers, and it really @£$%%% me off that the people I end up in relationships with use this against me, for entertainment. Because of my guilt about almost everything I am very easy to play with, and end up apologizing just to make sure they stay. They toy with me, blowing hot or cold, confusing me with lavish compliments followed with snide and derogatory "jokes" (when I react poorly I am the one with no sense of humor), with me unable to let go, going into fight and obsess mode instead of being able to tell them to take a hike like I really should. For example an ex boyfriend of mine used to try to trigger me, because the idea that I could loose it and go insane turned him on (this to me is sick!).

I am really sick and tried of ending up with men who treat my issues like a jukebox for entertainment. I have worked really hard to be able to live a decent life. Cleaning up the mess others made for me in my childhood, trying to overcome patterns, dealing with the stigma, 5 years of therapy and now meds too. And no matter how hard I work, and think I am doing better this time I end up with the same @£$%. I feel like a sitting duck in relationships every time, unable to find partners who respect my boundaries and always confused as to wether I am the one overreacting or wether or not they are taking me for a ride.

I would love to be able to have a steady and loving relationship, after allot of work I have things allot more under control then I used to, so for the most part I should be able to have a relationship without too much drama... the last problem being, that the only men I really seem to be attracted to are the ones with charm, whit, intense energy and no respect for boundaries at all!
How to make it stop!

You seem well aware of the issues here and what you're doing that attracts these people but I wonder more why you feel the need to have a relationship right now, when you cant keep yourself from seeing people who are not good for you. Maybe work on yourself for a while, then try dating again, or be more picky with the men.

Naomi I think in order to have the relationship you want with the type of people you want you need to change how you feel internally about what you feel you deserve.

For example if the idea of someone saying something nice and then following up with something snide was absolutely repulsive to you (not just hurtful) then these guys would not resonate with you at all.

In much of the animal kingdom (including humans) women are the ones who give off the first signals (not men even though we tend to think we decided who to approach). The mass majority of these signals people are unaware they are even communicating (and also generally unaware that they are receiving the communications as well).

The point being that you are signaling the sort of guys that are perfectly wrong for you and the source of those signals is what you kind of feel you deserve.

Often times we have patterns we wish to play out from our childhood or other situations that we kind of don't want to deal with directly but still want on some level to work out and end up picking people in our lives who kind of become the actors to play those parts.

Hope all of this makes sense and resonates a bit.

Bottom line its not about them its about you and where you are at internally. If you can take more care to be gentle and caring with yourself it will go a great way in training yourself to attract and retain the type of people who will also be gentle and caring.

Right now those traits don't resonate with you. I suspect you can be critical at times rather than always understanding with yourself etc... You will probably end up seeking out people who kind of match that inner voice you are comfortable with. So I think that first step is to change that voice and train it to be nicer to yourself and the world will follow suit.

JustHelpful wrote:

Often times we have patterns we wish to play out from our childhood or other situations that we kind of don't want to deal with directly but still want on some level to work out and end up picking people in our lives who kind of become the actors to play those parts.

I have heard this concept before, but I don't think that I do this. I just know who I like (love), who I respect, etc.........and yet I wonder if I ever have done this...