Can't stop thinking about partner's past

Hi everyone,

I suppose this is a bit of an odd topic for a first post but I was on here about a year ago asking for some advice on something else and received some incredible advice from some great people. I sort of lost touch with the forums while completing my last year of university but I'm back now with a (very long) query regarding a very sensitive topic that I feel I cannot speak to anyone I know about.

Last time I was here, I was asking for some advice on dealing with my partner's anxiety and depression. While things have changed since then, our relationship has never been without pressures and strains. I have been an integral part of him moving on with his life (he was recently diagnosed with Dependent Personality Disorder and is only just returning to work for this first time since we started dating) and he was a huge part of my recovery from an eating disorder. Ironically, I'm studying psychology and am looking to go onto training as a therapist! We began dating 2 and a half years ago when I was 19 and he was 21 (I am now 21 and he is 24). I had never been with anyone before him, while he had 3 sexual relationships before me. While this didn't bother me much before, it has become an increasingly touchy subject for both of us.

I'm not entirely sure what the trigger was but I do know that I began to fixate on his past more and and more around a year ago when I was just going through my final stages of recovery. In fairness, neither of us have been totally innocent in this. Although I had already made it clear I didn't want to know anything from his past relationships, he flippantly and jokingly mentioned some things I really didn't want to know in the beginning of the relationship. For the first year and a half of the relationship, he still had his ex's name carved into his bedroom wall until I moved in last year and we redecorated. He also had stickers that she put on his wall that he never bothered to take down (I did it myself eventually). I found photos of the two of them, pictures she had drawn for him, and other souvenirs while decorating the room and he thought it would be funny to show me girls' underwear and pyjamas that were buried deep in the cupboard from many moons ago while clearing it out. His parents have also had the extremely annoying habit of mentioning exes quite a few times in front of me until he asked them to stop.

Although some of these things were accidents and he has grown up a lot in the past year or so, tried his best to compensate for all these things and comfort me, etc, I am still haunted by images of him being in bed with these other girls. He tells me all the time that I am the best he's had, that his sex life was never exciting before me (there were things he could not do with other people before he met me due to medication) and that he loves being with me. However, I can't stop the images from flying around my head and every so often it all comes back up again because something that's been lingering around inside my head has been triggered by some event or something that's been said. I just keep thinking that someone else has been where I have and that someone else has touched what I touch and it makes me sick. To add insult to injury, I have recently experienced pelvic floor weakness which I am receiving physiotherapy for. While it is getting better, this coupled with the horrible images has made sex a bit of a sad song for me. I have had problems gaining pleasure and I have found myself crying afterwards and wishing things were different.

Almost everything else about the relationship is beautiful - we have always been very intimate, we love each other so much, we do everything together and we are always there for one another through thick and thin. I know that the past is the past and that he is by no means promiscuous in comparison with many guys his age but that doesn't always console me. I want to stop making him feel like he is soiled as he really shouldn't have had to put up with it for so long but I don't know how. I've never been vicious or hurtful and have tried speaking about it but I know he probably feels he is walking on egg shells around me as it has never completely gone away. As a prospective therapist, I'd probably know all the right things to say if someone else had this problem but I just can't do the same for myself at the moment.

Any wisdom that could be shared on this would be appreciated so much. I'd be so thankful and I promise to stick around more often this time to help others on the forums where I can.

Regards

Hello under-ice.

In a land of weirdos, there's no such thing as an odd topic or first post.

I'll start by saying that you are not alone here, for as I am currently experiencing the same thing as you are. Obviously the details are different, although we're actually sharing many of them (even my girlfriend's having had 3 sexual relationships before me ). And of course, I'm a male in a heterossexual relationship, while you're female.

I'm obviously not going to lecture you on the subject as I can barely cope with this myself. In any case, just know there's somebody else here whom you can relate to, as I know I can relate to you too now. In case you are interested, here's the thread I created last year about my issue, which has also been updated very recently (this same month). Maybe my accounts of it and the advice I was given may help you in some way.

Lastly, if you ever need to talk to someone in a more personal way about this I'll be glad and available to hear you through PM. I can't guarantee I will be able to help you, but I know I'm someone who will understand your problem and hear you out.

Under-Ice wrote:I had never been with anyone before him, while he had 3 sexual relationships before me. While this didn't bother me much before, it has become an increasingly touchy subject for both of us.

When one understands everything that a sexual relationships entail, I think it's fairly normal to be....disappointed??....that a partner has sexual relationships in the past. For you, perhaps his insensitivity regarding the topic of his previous relationships triggered that realization more vividly than you would have liked. It's also easier to acknowledge these feelings if one hasn't had sexual relationships in the past because there is no underlying hypocrisy.

Under-Ice wrote: Although some of these things were accidents and he has grown up a lot in the past year or so, tried his best to compensate for all these things and comfort me, etc, I am still haunted by images of him being in bed with these other girls.... I just keep thinking that someone else has been where I have and that someone else has touched what I touch and it makes me sick.

Yeah, I know what you mean. It really is disgusting, isn't it? And it gets worse as the sexual partners and the debauchery of the sexual acts themselves increases. The past is the past, but the past can also be quite disturbing.

Under-Ice wrote:Any wisdom that could be shared on this would be appreciated so much. I'd be so thankful and I promise to stick around more often this time to help others on the forums where I can.

I don't what you'd say about this as a prospective therapist, but I can only give you the same advice that I've given others on this forum. The feelings stem from being emotionally invested in another person. If you're set on this relationship continuing, then you have to take those feelings and bury then inside of you. Never talk about it and don't think about it? Hopefully over time maybe you'll become somewhat desensitized to it and it won't bother you so much.

Naimesis wrote:I'll start by saying that you are not alone here, for as I am currently experiencing the same thing as you are. Obviously the details are different, although we're actually sharing many of them (even my girlfriend's having had 3 sexual relationships before me ). And of course, I'm a male in a heterossexual relationship, while you're female.

The first thing that popped into my mind was that it's almost exactly identical to your situation (even down to the 3 sexual relationships). The genders are reversed obviously, but tbh it doesn't even read like it written by the stereotypical girlfriend. My guess is that the relationship itself is somewhat atypical with the female Under-Ice being the more stoic, rational partner and her male DPD partner being the more sensitive, expressive one. Oddly, I've also seen this framework appearing in homosexual couples where the gender is the same. The framework existing makes sense in theory I guess since the stoic partner provides reassurance and stability to the relationship and the emotive partner creates a sense of intimacy.

Kabuhi wrote:Yeah, I know what you mean. It really is disgusting, isn't it? And it gets worse as the sexual partners and the debauchery of the sexual acts themselves increases. The past is the past, but the past can also be quite disturbing.

It's interesting you brought that up. I knew that my GF was not a virgin even before we started dating, but it never really nagged me before and after. It was only some time after. It's curious because it is consistent with the evolution of our sex life - as we got more comfortable and open with one another in the sexual aspect, I allowed myself the thought that these moments we were sharing and were precious and unique to me were not exclusive, and that others had already shared the same experience with her. Suddenly it was a mix of feelings - impotence of being the unexperienced one, disgust of having what others had before me, envy that I was not on the same level as her, insecurity that perhaps these moments were not so special to her anymore...

Kabuhi wrote:I don't what you'd say about this as a prospective therapist, but I can only give you the same advice that I've given others on this forum. The feelings stem from being emotionally invested in another person. If you're set on this relationship continuing, then you have to take those feelings and bury then inside of you. Never talk about it and don't think about it? Hopefully over time maybe you'll become somewhat desensitized to it and it won't bother you so much.

I'm not going to tell you whether you should or not talk to your partner about this, because you know your partner better than anyone else here and I think you're the best person to decide it. But I can add that Kabuhi has advised me before against telling my partner, but I still did. It went bad and I regreted it on that moment. It just made me feel even worse, although to be honest there may have been relief on the fact that I actually tried it.

And excuse my sudden intrusion on the thread.

Naimesis, thank you so much for your reply. I definitely will have a look at your thread and of course, it would probably help to have someone going through a similar experience to talk to about the matter. I hope that you are coping with things a lot better now as it such an unpleasant experience.

Kabuhi, thank you too for your reply. I have tried to bury it but it only seems to work for a while. Maybe I need to work on responding to things that I find threatening or hurtful, then it won't be so present in my life. Accept that what is, is? You're right in a way about our stances in the relationship. I am the "stoic" one in a sense - the academic/career-driven one always holding the two of us up and trying to encourage him to make something of himself. We are both creative, expressive, very romantic people to be honest. I'd even say I'm the more expressive one at times in the soppy/emotional sense but not when I'm bottling up all of my feelings on these things to avoid arguments. I suppose as a result I'm taking the weight of the relationship while feeling like my feelings haven't always completely been regarded with these sensitive topics. Then again, I ended up getting to the point where I started prying for information because I had been given so many half details, which was my fault.

Also, in light of the last post, we have spoken about it plenty of times - sometimes through arguments when things have been bottled up for too long and sometimes in a very calm manner. The good thing is that he is very understanding so long as I speak to him reasonably about it but I don't want be go round and round in circles over it forever! It's not healthy for the relationship and, understandably, he gets upset when it is brought up in a negative light.

Naimesis wrote:I allowed myself the thought that these moments we were sharing and were precious and unique to me were not exclusive, and that others had already shared the same experience with her. Suddenly it was a mix of feelings - impotence of being the unexperienced one, disgust of having what others had before me, envy that I was not on the same level as her, insecurity that perhaps these moments were not so special to her anymore...

That's putting it better than I could ever hope to put it.

Naimesis wrote:It just made me feel even worse, although to be honest there may have been relief on the fact that I actually tried it.

I can understand the sense of relief. You can rationalize why you shouldn't do things all you want, but there's a nagging lack of closure until you've actually done something and experienced the negative consequences of doing so. Sometimes someone telling you something (or maybe telling yourself) isn't enough and you need to get burned to learn that the stove is hot and shouldn't be touched.

Under-Ice wrote:I suppose as a result I'm taking the weight of the relationship while feeling like my feelings haven't always completely been regarded with these sensitive topics.

Unless you're a different poster with the same handle, I remember your posts from previously. I told you to bury it deep inside you, but notice the part that I italicized and ended it with a question mark. I have no idea whether you're capable of that level of emotional disconnect, if you'd even be interested becoming that, or if it'd be healthy. See everything I write is calculated. I actually had a secret motive in bringing up the partner roles and your response allowed me to bring that motive to light.

I assumed that you had assumed the stereotypical boyfriend role in the relationship firstly because you stated that your boyfriend suffered from dependent personality disorder and also from what knowledge of you I previously had. However my question to you is are you happy in that role and are you not feeling neglected? You mention that you suffered from an eating disorder so surely you have your own emotional interests. Do you feel like your own emotional interests are getting met in your current relationship? You can answer yes btw, I'm simply genuinely curious.

Kabuhi wrote:Unless you're a different poster with the same handle, I remember your posts from previously. I told you to bury it deep inside you, but notice the part that I italicized and ended it with a question mark. I have no idea whether you're capable of that level of emotional disconnect, if you'd even be interested becoming that, or if it'd be healthy. See everything I write is calculated. I actually had a secret motive in bringing up the partner roles and your response allowed me to bring that motive to light.

I assumed that you had assumed the stereotypical boyfriend role in the relationship firstly because you stated that your boyfriend suffered from dependent personality disorder and also from what knowledge of you I previously had. However my question to you is are you happy in that role and are you not feeling neglected? You mention that you suffered from an eating disorder so surely you have your own emotional interests. Do you feel like your own emotional interests are getting met in your current relationship?

I had posted here about his depression and anxiety and how he didn't seem to be going anywhere for a long time but nothing on this topic specifically. I don't remember you replying to that one but the idea of burying this "deep inside" me scares the life out of me to be honest. I really don't want it being a part of me, like a dirty secret I'm keeping to myself. I want to be free of it and know that it shouldn't be something that affects me in my day-to-day life anymore. That's why I think talking about it and getting it all out in the air is a good thing I suppose.

Yes, to be honest I entered the relationship with a lot of emotional baggage of my own. I lost my mother to suicide at 14 years old (she was 36 and she also left my dad at 42 and my brother at 2) and from that point-onward all I did was look after my family as the woman of the house and work, work, work to get myself to university so I could one day help people like her. She suffered an eating disorder and so I began volunteering for eating disorder support groups but ended up falling victim to my cause within half a year into the relationship and was hit by an eating disorder myself, I believe because of a lot of unfinished business and little time for grieving. Thankfully with a bit of self-dedication, a great therapist, and my partner's help to be honest, I got over it last year and I've been unaffected ever since. However, as much as he's been great to me, what he gives he also takes away on the other hand. All the sorries in the world don't take away the overexposure I had to his past while I was in a very vulnerable state already.

On top of that, I have never ceased being his rock. I've constantly encouraged him to pick himself up and get on with his life (his parents unfortunately never gave him that) and have felt like I was fighting a losing a battle at times. I suppose I sometimes feel some resentment about the fact that he used to work while he was in his previous relationships and no longer does (despite my constant tireless efforts) while I'm constantly working towards a life for us. He's kind of on borrowed time at the moment with us having plans to move out of his parents' home after I graduate this summer. To put it short, it's all very intense and I don't really know where my intrusive thought fit in it all apart from being very intensely in love with him.

I really appreciate all of your time, by the way.

I don't remember you replying to that one but the idea of burying this "deep inside" me scares the life out of me to be honest. I really don't want it being a part of me, like a dirty secret I'm keeping to myself. I want to be free of it and know that it shouldn't be something that affects me in my day-to-day life anymore.

Right, that's what I figured. I suggested to Naimesis that he do what he did because I knew that talking to his girlfriend about it would make him feel worse in the end. But to matter how calm or stoic you may seem on the outside, you're still a woman and you have a desire to have intimacy with the guy you're with. It's important for you to be able talk with him and share your feelings with him.

To put it short, it's all very intense and I don't really know where my intrusive thought fit in it all apart from being very intensely in love with him.

Yeah, when you put it that way I understand a little better. I don't know the perfect thing to say regarding the intrusive images. Maybe there is no perfect thing to say. We live in a society where people are living contradictions. By that I mean they desire monogamy, but live out promiscuity. You can see how that might lead to conflict.

Maybe it's the way you grew up and what you're used to, but you don't always have to be the "rock" as you put it. There's nothing wrong with wanting to play the other role and I think I may have detected a lingering desire in this thread that you might be interested in doing so. I don't know how much it will help, especially with a DPD where you have walk on eggshells, but maybe it'd be more satisfying for you personally to make yourself emotionally vulnerable and continue to seek reassurance. At the same time, understand that what's done is done and there's nothing anyone can do erase that.

Yeah, you're right. Every woman wants to be looked after and I've been the one doing all of the nurturing in the relationship apart from when he has given me the emotional support I've needed. I suppose I just need to learn to let go - constantly seeking reassurance has only ever reinforced it, caused him to feel like I don't trust him and left me unsatisfied and seeking yet more reassurance, unfortunately. It's a vicious cycle. I think I just need to avoid all discussions of that sort and let him make the changes he has to make, if he is going to. Maybe then, when I feel a little more commitment has been shown, I'll feel different.

Thanks for letting me have a good vent, that in itself has been helpful but having such a helpful response has been a lovely bonus.