Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I am in a spot I haven't been in with my current relationship (or lack thereof) situation. I've dealt with a fair amount of depression and anxiety but have taken effort to heal through therapy and coping skills. Overall in the past few years I have felt really content and confident.

About 6 months ago after 2 years of dating around and figuring out what I wanted I met someone that I deeply connected with. Perhaps the momentum of it all moved things too quickly but this person was the most attentive, creative and supportive match for me yet. We were in different cities but visited on another and made plans to be in the same city. He claimed that I was really the one for him, we exchanged I love yous and even looked at some places together when I moved back. He really encouraged me to come here and stay with him and I trusted the things that he said, he even talked about marriage and was extremely affectionate. We had planned to travel together this summer and made a ton of plans for the future. I've honestly never felt so sure that someone was completely on board and ready and on the same page.

That all started to change about 3 weeks after I returned. He felt like his life was getting out of balance and started feeling depressed. He would say that he needed mental space but it was always under the premise of becoming stable forces for each other. We were very open about the fact that we both have dealt with depression and anxiety and I tried my best to be supportive and still give him room. He always said he didn't want to mess this up, that he really wanted this to work and that is why he was bringing it up.

This pattern continued and he withdrew more and more, started withholding affection and treated me in the opposite manner of how he originally did.

Now, after getting caught in a loop of his feeling overwhelmed and my feeling hurt, he claims he can't be in a relationship, doesn't want to even talk about working up to one, he just wants to spend time together and let things develop naturally. He wants to "set the foundation" and "start over". This sounds reasonable enough but it is hard for me to be in this limbo. He still calls and texts and wants to hang out, he still wants to be affectionate, just not "in a relationship". When I said I wasn't sure if I could relate to him without romantic feelings he said that was ridiculous because of course there would be romance between us and chemistry. It seems like he doesn't know what he wants, he is worried that a relationship will be detrimental to his functioning.

I am confused. I don't understand the flip or how someone could claim they are so in love and that you are the one for them and then completely change. He still talks about traveling together. I still see that he supports me in my endeavors.

I feel like I am caught in a loop though. He doesn't want to let me go but he can't be a healthy partner.

I've listened to his concerns and am respecting them but I'm wondering what the heck to do here. How do I set my own boundary here. I still see him almost every day and am yearning for us to be together. Do I try to set this foundation with him and hope it will develop into something healthy for us both or do I just cut it off? I don't want to play games and if I cut it off I would be hoping that he'd want something more but to hang out with him in this weird limbo is tough.

This is messing with my head. How do I let go? My best bet is to focus on building my life here but do I need to extricate myself in order to do that or can I show up for him and still move on with hopes that this will work?

Thanks for any insight.

I think you should break it off. He sounds like now that the distance is closed he can't handle the intimacy. He will probably always waiver back and forth due to fears of being intimate countered with fears of being alone.

I'm sure his original sentiments were genuine but now so is his fear of intimacy. You need someone who can give you the closeness you deserve and he needs someone equally needy of on and off again relations.

You sound like a great catch and there will be someone amazing for you in this new location. It's time for you to do a reset.

gofigure wrote:I am confused. I don't understand the flip or how someone could claim they are so in love and that you are the one for them and then completely change. He still talks about traveling together. I still see that he supports me in my endeavors.

It's not really all that confusing. To use a metaphor: he's not all there mentally. Assuming he hasn't been playing around with you from the beginning, you've simply hooked up with a psychologically unstable individual. Surely after this you've realized the folly of expecting stability from an unstable person.

I have a question. Do you have any clue why he was suffering from depression and anxiety in the first place?

gofigure wrote:This is messing with my head. How do I let go? My best bet is to focus on building my life here but do I need to extricate myself in order to do that or can I show up for him and still move on with hopes that this will work?

The only thing I can think of that might work is to find another guy that you're more attracted to. Date around until you find someone else that makes you forget about him, otherwise you'll keep wanting to be in a relationship with this guy. I don't think the solution to the problem is as simple as extricating yourself from the situation.