How do I deal with insecurity?

I havent had a relationship in a long time and I have started seeing this girl.
I dont let her know I am not secure with her.
I know I am her main if not only interest. But I cant help but feel someone else will come along eventually and be better than me or that she is incapable of having a relationship after X amount of time.

We all have different needs when it comes to relationships. By the way you describe things insecurities are mostly in your head.

There is a super interesting book about Adult Attachment theory called Attached which talks about insecure adult attachment types vs. secure adult attachment types. One of the things that differentiate people with secure attachment types from insecure attachment types is that secure types feel a responsibility to the other person for their emotional / relationship needs and they are generally good at telling the other person in the relationship what their needs are.

The insecure type has a tendency to keep those needs quiet and secretly expect them to be fulfilled.

If your girl friend is a secure type, telling her your needs will likely make you more endearing and you may pleasantly surprised to find that she attends to your needs and soon the insecurities kind of disappear.

I personally think it shows strength of character to say hey I really like you, and sometimes my mind runs off with these crazy scenarios about me losing you for various reasons such as.....

The only problem is if you are an anxious attachment style and she has an avoidance attachment style she could hear that, feel pressured and it could cause her to devalue you and push you away. (i.e. Oh he is insecure, high maintenance, needy, clingy etc...).

You need a relationship with someone who is secure so that you can be free to express whatever you feel (insecurities included) and the other person can partner with you to give you what you need in the relationship. Best way to find out if she is secure, tell her about your insecurities. She will either embrace you sharing more about your personal feelings and you will be more endearing or she will kind of be repulsed by it which is also good because it would let you know she is not the right person for you. Its a win / win if you can take the plunge and just talk to her.

She has fearful RAD. I dont know what attachment style I have.

You sound like you know a lot. So are you saying I should not bother telling her my needs?

I have told her I am insecure about my looks, I have had cosmetic surgery and I wanted to get another procedure done but not anymore and I have stopped caring. She knew this before we started seeing each other, she says there is nothing wrong with me.

I asked her what she needs in a relationship, and in a nutshell its just a lot of space, and be taken out of the house on occasion.

Well it seems to me that she knows what she wants and is ok telling you that she likes to have space so that would appear to be an encouraging sign to me.

I think if she is a fairly straight shooter which it sounds like she is then you would hear about something if it bothered her. So your insecurities probably are not warranted, but if you wanted to I think you could ask her one time what she thinks about the fact that your mind sometimes gets away from you and has thoughts like (whatever you ruminate about).

The key I think is to make the conversation low stakes (you are not accusing her of anything that goes through your mind) its more of a meta conversation about thinking in general and its not therapy so its not a one hour conversation. Keep it short and light and meta and I think you should be fine to approach it with her in my opinion.

Her previous boyfriends she dated for about a year and they were both emotionally unstable, I am not.

We have similar interests (dont want kids, like same music, same hobbies).

We are both willing to go to couple counselling if needed (this wasnt spoken about but implied as she has been to it before with her ex).

I am worried about telling her I have insecure thoughts about her because I think its possible it could be a self furfilling prophecy.

For example installing red light cameras in my city has caused more people to run red lights because its like saying to them "hey people run red lights" and people think "well I will too then if this is no longer taboo and they wanna try target it". I am afraid if I tell her I am worried she will leave me for someone better then it will only help sway her if given the opportunity.

SBBro wrote:Her previous boyfriends she dated for about a year and they were both emotionally unstable, I am not.

We have similar interests (dont want kids, like same music, same hobbies).

We are both willing to go to couple counselling if needed (this wasnt spoken about but implied as she has been to it before with her ex).

I am worried about telling her I have insecure thoughts about her because I think its possible it could be a self furfilling prophecy.

For example installing red light cameras in my city has caused more people to run red lights because its like saying to them "hey people run red lights" and people think "well I will too then if this is no longer taboo and they wanna try target it". I am afraid if I tell her I am worried she will leave me for someone better then it will only help sway her if given the opportunity.

You've had several surgeries on your appearance and you are insecure, she's into you because you are unstable like her previous boyfriends. Surely you see that?

She did say I was weird, and that she just attracts weird guys, she didnt not mean it as a put down just an observation so didnt really think too much about that except that yes we are both a bit unconventional you could say.

You need to realise people have emotions and insecurities without being unstable. When you start to act irrationally and detrimentally because of it thats when its called being unstable. I could easily afford the surgery and it was recommended, it was not due to BDD. So it wasnt an irrational decision, I even brang it past my psychologist who didnt question it.

Very interesting and rather serendipitous that I ran across this tonight. My GF and I got into and argument this weekend which, in short, ended with her calling me insecure. I tend to be more toward a "covert schizoid" personality (and she more towards being a narcissist) and as such, I was taken aback by that assertion as its not something people generally would associate me with as being. I came here and did a search on "insecurity" and this thread came up. While I have a minor in psychology and a pretty good familiarity with disorders of personality, I really never have paid a lot of attention to researching "insecurity".

After having researched, I looked into (because of this thread) "Attachment in Adults" and what I found was, was that she is right BUT I also found that so is she. We just differ in our "approaches" to it. I'll quote a link from Wiki that demonstrates our "styles".

"Anxious–preoccupied[edit]


People with anxious-preoccupied attachment type tend to agree with the following statements: "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like", and "I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them." People with this style of attachment seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extent that they become overly dependent on their partners. Compared to securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They often doubt their worth as a partner and blame themselves for their partners' lack of responsiveness. People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment may exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships.


Dismissive–avoidant[edit]

People with a dismissive style of avoidant attachment tend to agree with these statements: "I am comfortable without close emotional relationships", "It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient", and "I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me." People with this attachment style desire a high level of independence. The desire for independence often appears as an attempt to avoid attachment altogether. They view themselves as self-sufficient and invulnerable to feelings associated with being closely attached to others. They often deny needing close relationships. Some may even view close relationships as relatively unimportant. Not surprisingly, they seek less intimacy with relationship partners, whom they often view less positively than they view themselves. Investigators commonly note the defensive character of this attachment style. People with a dismissive–avoidant attachment style tend to suppress and hide their feelings, and they tend to deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the sources of rejection (i.e., their relationship partners).

Obviously (or maybe not), me leaning towards being a covert schizoid and her leaning more towards narcissism, I tend to be more of the "Anxious-Preoccupied" type and she is definitely more the "Dismissive–avoidant" type. While I realize that identifying the problem is the first step towards resolution, I know more needs to be done. The problem is, WHAT?

I would be interested in the opinions of you learned people and any suggestions or help that you may care to impart.

Thanks for your input.

P.S. I didn't mean to redirect the thread, I just thought it might dove tail with what has already been discussed.

I'm insecure as hell about everything, although I'm pretty attractive and intelligent, literally everything. i'm constantly scared i'm not good enough.