My marriage

I have been married for 12 years and have 2 boys together. I am a stay at home mom and have problems with perfectionism mainly with looks with me and family. I recently spent a week at a treatment center for depression and alcohol abuse. I guess I was a functioning alcoholic, but the alcohol only covered the pain. I self-medicate and am on some great prescription drugs to help with anxiety and not drinking. Never in a million years would I ever think I would be emotionally connected to any other man, but it happened twice. No sex, just emotional. I feel I've never truly been in love with my husband who is amazing to me and loves me very much. We can have fun together and have fun as a family, but I am very deep and spiritual and both of those other men I had that connection with. Do you think I am just depressed and can recover with my husband through counseling, or do you think I am deeply missing something in my relationship and never loved him at all.. By the way, I married at 20.

Thank you in advance, Shana

Heya Shana


I am 23 years of age now but a serious consideration to marry a partner has never been apparent in my life so far. However, I have not managed to have a relationship lasting more than 9 months as yet. 20 years of age is a young age to be married at and people of this age are only at the early stages of adulthood - It is a time at which people are still sculpting their character. My point is that there is huge potential for a person to change at this age. Entering a bond such as marriage then is admirable and shows confidence.


From personal experience I know that people behave differently when they are depressed - Some of their actions might even be described as wreckless. Forgiving the depressed person might be difficult for a 'normal' person however. You didn't mention but have you told your husband about what has happened?


If you enter a depressive mood again you must not drink alcohol. In fact, you must guarantee to yourself that you will not resort to any wreckless action during the depressive state. Stay calm, don't rush, and do something productive or relaxing. My favourites are:

Lying on my bed while listening to music
Making a big pot of herbal tea
Doing crosswords

The biggest thing is to stay calmand slow things down.


You must give-up the self-medicating. Let your doctor do the medicating and be happy with his / her directions.


Take care always and forever,
Kevin.

Reading your post made me feel like I wasn't the onlyodd ball out in this world. I am also a married woman, but only of 6 years. I have 2 children and I'm 30 years old. I have ben diagnosed with depression and I'm on medication. I also use alcolhol as a way to relax. I do everything I need to do as a wife, educator and mother. But I still feel like there is any emptiness inside me. I love my husband and would never do anything to jeapordize out relationship, but lately it's been nice to receive attention from other men. I don't mean sexually - more so intellectually. Other can focus on the professional me when my husband doesn't seem to care about that aspect as long as I put dinner on the table and take of the kids.

Part of this could be that I was abused by my father when I was younger and memories are haunting me right now.

I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and that understand. Maybe we can help each other.

Take it easy.
-Forgotten

My husband and I started dating in Oct. of '93. I asked him to marry me in Dec. of '93! We married in August of '96!! Yep...been married 10 years on the 30th!! Together we have two children ages 7 and 5. I would have to say the first 5 years of our marriage were pretty up and down.....most down! The rest have been AWESOME!!

I too deal w/ "depression". I'm diagnosed as dealing w/ cyclothymia and OCPD...as well as I struggle with bulimia. These things can add stress to a marraige/relationship, of course. The first 5 years of my marraige were very difficult. I was just starting to really come to grips with my "struggles". Sorry...hate the term "mental illness"! The first 5 years of my marraige is when I hit rock bottom with all of it. Hell. I walked down the isle at age 21! My husband and I started dating just after I graduated highschool. I graduated in June of '93....we started dating in Oct. of '93 and we were engaged Dec. of '93. Mind you we didn't actually get married until August of '96...but basically we were together right out of highschool and together ever since. Neither of us dated a lot in highschool. Him more then I. I only had one other serious relationship in highschool. I dated casually in highschool but still. Most people that I know take that time after highschool to really get out and ...how should I say?....explore life? Take time to not take life seriously anyway. Even if they are involved in a serious relationship...they are not taking life so seriously. They are not MARRIED! I was married. My first daughter was born in the fall of '98. I was tied down to a career. My husband has been w/ my family's business now for 11yrs.!! Our friends? Well...3 of my girlfriends have also been married ...one 10 years...one 13...and one 7. But there are others that I know more casually that were married right out of highschool and divorced within 3 yrs. There are people I knew from highschool that were married a few years after highschool and are divorced....hell one girl I went to highschool w/ is on her 3rd marraige. And then some of my husband's and my closer friends are just getting married now! So I guess in that area we have seen a mix of things. But at any rate. For my husband's and my situation.....yes....I'm sure we jumped in quickly. Obviously I can't say I have any regrets!! But still....in our first 5 years of marraige.....at the 4 1/2 year mark we did seriously consider filing for divorce and the only thing that held us back was our daughter. I was dealing w/ bulimia at that point. It severly messes w/ you not only physically....but emotionally. I truly was not myself. I had myself convinced that my husband was an asshole and didn't love me anymore. I had myself convinced that our marraige $#%^ when now in retrospect I can see that clearly was not the case. I had myself convinced that he was not there for me when, again, in retrospect I was the one not there emotionally. I had myself convinced I had no friends that really cared for me. I was in a place so low ...in such a low point of depression ....a place so bad I just hate writing about it. Bulimia robs your body physically but I can't begin to tell you what it does to your emotional and mental state. The person I became....I am not proud of. I understand now what happened to me...but I am not proud of what I allowed bulimia to do to me. That was my breaking point. I went from being an excellent employee at work to being ....well...$#%^! I finally put in my notice at work. They convinced me to stay....to take 12 weeks leave and to get help for help for the bulimia....but I was so bad and doing such a poor job...making such poor choices for myself there....I had just become a person that I had not been before the bulimia...they had no choice but to let me go. It's a long story. At any rate....I had started counseling a few weeks before this all came down...but this forced me to go to more counseling....it not only saved me ...but obviously it saved my marraige. It gave me clarity into my situation. It helped me to see that this wasn't my husband...my husband wasn't the problem....it was me....my issues.....I worked hard in counseling.....my husband and I worked together on things at home. In April of 2001 we welcomed the addition of our 2nd child!! I still struggle w/ certain things....in 2002/2003 I went through some more counseling and continued to work on my issues....

I'm sorry...it's hard to sum up things and throw them out to you in a short (well ok not so short) post....try to talk about 10 years worth of marraige and where the problems were all in one little package! It was a process....but it was worth the work. I do believe that the depression plays a role and I do believe it certainly masks your emotions and creates confusion. Certainly I believe, from experience, that marrying young plays a role....but I don't believe that either need to equate to giving up and divorcing. The things you feel are missing from your marraige ....I believe that you can find them. Your husband may not even realize that you feel these things are missing and given the opportunity....he can more then likely provide you these things! It's easy to get caught up in the routine after 12 years! Especially when you have two small boys to raise. It's very easy to get caught up on the comfortable routine of getting up each morning....getting ready for work....taking the kids to school, etc. etc.

For my husband and I....I too am a stay-at-home mom...have been now for 6 1/2 years. Where we are at now works great for us. I'm a HUGE believer in communication. I'm pretty alert to things that can go wrong for couples. I feel I'm sensitive, etc. I feel like if people would just sit down and TALK and get their feelings out in the open a lot of things could be avoided. So I often talk w/ my husband. I feel we are in a good place now. We didn't use to talk in those first 5 years! Now we do. I tell him my worries. I tell him what I need! I ask him what he needs and make sure he is getting it. I tell him what I see other couples struggling with....I say...you know....we don't have that in our marraige...is that something you feel we need? You know....things like that. One day my dad came over and out of the blue we had this heart to heart about his and mom my mom's marraige. Whooh! I know!! But I was a bit shook up when he left. He shared some pretty intimate things about what, after 40 years of marraige had him upset w/ mom. Regrets, anger, etc. I thought....holy $#%^. I don't provide that for my husband. I would hate to think that some day 40 years from now he has those same feelings with me. Or god forbid he holds them now and because of that we don't HAVE 40 yrs. So when my husband got home from ...later that evening we had a long talk. My husband thought I was nuts to think he would view our marraige like my father would view his...but he took me seriously and we talked through it. It felt good. But for the longest time now we have been able to talk through things like that. I think we do a really good job of making sure we know what the other wants. Right now for us....what we want is to make our focus on our children. I mean...not 100% and like we never have "couple time"....but we don't view it like we did when we were 20 and had no children! That works for us. Right now we are caught up in the family and a 5 and 7 yr. old. But again...that is what we communicate with each other and we want that. We are usually in bed by 9pm...but through open and honest communication....neither of us goes to bed feeling like our needs as a couple has not been met! We've talked...we've found ways to address that so that it works for how we are balancing each other and our kids.

does that make sense? So....i guess....where was I trying to go w/ this for you? I guess my advice is to not give up hope. I understand what you have found w/ these two guys you have mentioned....but I guess don't mistake it either....I think it's not uncommon in your situation....but don't mistake it as a marraige gone bad and falling in love with either one of them....I think it's just the idea that hey....after all these years....someone else can find not only my body intriguing but my mind as well! Because like I said...when you have been married as long as you have....it is easy to get caught up in that routine and forget certain needs. I also think it's easy for your depression to mask certain things.....I think counseling would be great for you to help unlock some of that and provide some clarity and direction as far as your marraige goes....but of course it will also help you understand your depression......an example using my own sitatuion....for example I deal w/ OCPD....one way that comes through for me is a STRONG need for control in my environment...always having to have everything neat, clean, organized, etc. Where counseling helped me with that...well first of all it helped me to understand WHY I have to have that....and then it helped me to gain some "control" with all of that....I went from being so bad w/ it I didn't leave my house for days at a time because I just could never find a level of clean good enough to feel like I could ever stop to even go run errands...or so bad I'd still be up cleaning at midnight or one am....to now I can actually stop cleaning when I put my children to bed at 7:30/8pm! Last night I went to bed and yes...I actually left ironing out to be taken care of today! Some nights I will go to bed and leave the dishes to be washed the next day! Mind you....I have limits....dishes might need to be washed...but I'll load the dishwasher....clean the counters...and then neatly stack the pots/pans next to the sink!! So anyway. I think counseling can help you regain some control....perspective....etc. in a few areas. Maybe you can do some self counseling as well as couples counseling. I wouldn't just give up though and accept that things are just over. At least basing my judgement on my own personal situation.....I have faith to believe you have hope!!!

To Shana,

First of all, I think it's a big positive step that you got treated for the alcohol abuse problem and coming here to post on this forum shows that you are ready for change.

Being married young is never really a cause for problems. I know many success marriage stories of people who married at 20 or even younger. Angel's story is inspiring too.

Please focus on the good things in your life. You say:

my husband who is amazing to me and loves me very much. We can have fun together and have fun as a family

Maybe you don't feel love for your husband, but you probably did at one point in your life and as with many marriages the "lustful romantic" love dies but you have to work on reviving the love you had for eachother for who you really are.

The other men in your life? You say:

but I am very deep and spiritual and both of those other men I had that connection with.

Sounds like trouble. Why complicate your life? What if it gets deeper than just emotional? What if your husband found out? Are you willing to leave your marriage? Which one of the two men will you choose? What about the kids?

Think about it. You have a husband who loves you, you have 2 beautiful little children. If you get therapy or counseling your life will greatly improve and like Chuky said:

You must give-up the self-medicating. Let your doctor do the medicating and be happy with his / her directions.

Take care.

To Angel,
Thank you very much for sharing your wonderful success story. I found it very inspiring and uplifting. It gave me lots of hope. I am at the seven-year itch in my marriage where I know I have reached rock bottom. Realizing this and working on my issues I am seeing that many of the problems I had with my husband were stemming from my own issues. I am changing my negative thinking and trying to change it to positive. For example, instead of strongly believing that "I am doomed" I am believing "I can fix things if I work on myself". Thank you for the support.

You're welcome!!! And you also gave GREAT advice!! Good luck to you in your marraige as well!!!

I just want to caution....it's really easy to get to a point in your marraige...when you have been married a while....to think that you have fallen out of love......that is what happened in my marraige....well....at least in my situation for me I know that had a lot to do w/ what my eating disorder and mental illness was masking...but I would like to believe it was a combo of things too and not SOLEY the eating disorder? ....I don't know...my husband claims his love never stopped!....anyway....I do believe that you can get to a point where you just feel burnt out....like I was saying...you start to fall into those routines and you just need to shake things up....it can be easy to start to question your love and your marraige and what you have....think about it....look around you....I don't know about you...but all around me people I know are getting divorced and not after having been married very long. It starts to feel like after the first signs of trouble people don't try to work out problems anymore....they just give up and divorce....now I am not saying either posters here are doing that....and I'm not criticizing you for asking the questions you are here in writing this....I'm saying OF COURSE you are asking this of yourself....of course you are feeling this way because when you have so much of divorce going on around you....I can see where it can be easy to start to question your marraige and feelings at a time like this....I understand....when you have feelings like you do...and everywhere around you ...it feels like the way people solve the problem is w/ "divorce"....how do you not look at your own situation and see "PROBLEM"...."MUST MEAN I TOO HAVE A PROBLEM THAT CAN ONLY BE SOLVED WITH DIVORCE". Know what I mean? How do you not start to look at your own situation and scrutinize it....wonder if your own marraige is not lacking to the point that it should be ended? Sometimes I wonder if we don't see more going wrong then there is. Ok.....at least that is what I was doing in my own situation. Again.....but speaking from the aspect of dealing w/ bulimia and other areas of depression.....that compounded problems....it took small problems for me and caused me to create more in my eyes then truly was there.

So I guess I just really want to give pause to you here. I want to ask you to just really take a step back and look at your situation and ask yourself some hard questions!!! That's all!! Because I'd just hate to see someone act to quickly and throw away what could actually be a great marraige with just a little bit more work. At least...that's how it turned out to be in my case! If my husband and I had give up 5 years ago....wow...all that I'd have lost. I wouldn't be celebrating my 10 year anniversary in other week. And I hope we never loose what we have! You know...I can't predict our future of course.

Oh god...I sound so bad! I mean we are NOT a perfect couple! I hope I don't sound that way. Well I guess I do. We are not w/out fault by no means. We just have a better system in place now then we did a few years back is all. I guess I really just want to see you not give up too quick is all. Give yourselves a fighting chance first!!! That's all!!!!


((((((((((((((((HUGS of support all!))))))))