One Way Friends ??

Thanks NotMe. Kindred spirit I think and almost exactly the same story as mine. Im going to share more of my observations, see if these help rationalise anything.

I've found lots of women attractive and I think we have to realise, it's normal to find women, even married women attractive. I think it's rubbish to say we can never be friends with them. As for women having a sixth sense and knowing we like them, I must be covering my tracks well because the married women I am getting on well with, haven't guessed. Is it all the married women, or just some you're having a problem with?

I don't know if this is the same for you, but I find once I actually become friendly with them, some of the mystery disappears as I get to know them. They continue to be attractive but there's less awkwardness. Maybe we are confusing a sexual attraction and infatuation with simple shyness? Maybe we're so desperate for friendship with great people, we're too nervous?

The women I am no longer attracted to, I still feel awkward around, but it's because they're quite pouty with me, like they're flirting. They're married and make me feel uncomfortable. But I rise above it. The ones I liked but never talked to at the start, we're now increasing our communication and the friendship is evolving.

The one I desperately want to be friends with, who I got on well with, is killing me. Unlike the others she is now starting to avoid me. I figure this is because: I've upset her; I've said something dirty on Facebook she doesn't like (not about her); she finds me attractive; she knows I find her attractive; she think's I've ignored her as I kept myself to myself; maybe she was flirting with me, got no response and is now embarrassed. I don't know if you've thought bout these possibilities? I only recognise that because being Shy myself, that's how I would behave.

Im proud of my integrity. I've not lead her on. But before being ignored, I thought she was flirting with me, she sat next to me several times, wore visible thongs, tight t-shirts - almost testing the water. A few weeks after this, she stops with the tight clothes, stopped sitting next to me, doesn't talk to me, can't look me in the eye, looks down, or gives her focus to someone else, if Im next to someone she will glance quickly past me and tunnel vision to the person next to me. She's been getting flustered, possibly over compensating with risky jokes and loud laughter, over the top and out of character but high functioning. Her husband looks grumpy and similarly out of character. To all intents and purposes they still present as a solid family.

Do you have any other clues or observations like this?

Another possibility, is my psycho ex is putting the poison down. This woman is still friends with my ex on Facebook even thought she told me herself she was a psycho and everyone knows it. She likes several of my exes pictures even recently. It hurts she sees me and ignores me twice a week but has time for a psycho. The thought she might be taking her side over mine is awful.

Things don't add up. If it's anything other than, I've offended her, I really have no chance of fixing this.

Since my last post, I decided to check my behaviour to make sure it's not in my head. Maybe this process could help you. I make sure Im not acting differently around them. I work out if Im heightening my perception of her behaviour, how do others behave around me, they may behave the same way but Im unfairly judging her. I look at her behaviour, what is she like with other people, other men? Of course she may not be avoiding me, she may just be busy and needs to talk to someone else. Then, can I do more? Can I be more friendly, take the initiative more? You can't expect people to give you their undivided attention all the time. Just because they don't speak to you this week, doesn't mean they won't next week. Do you speak to everyone else at regular intervals, does she? Analysis, check, try, keep things friendly, keep a lid on the emotion until you're sure. After enough of that and you're sure, it's time to ask in my opinion.

I've set myself a time limit to try and be friendly and make sure my pereceptions accurate and not misread. Then I'll just go for it.

How healthy any of this is, I don't know. I strongly suspect we probably have a bit of OCD or something else. This probably comes across as really strange to others, but to you and me, it makes absolutely perfectly logical sense. There's a method that relies on more than just feeling, it relies on quantitative measurements and observation. Hopefully a psychologist will come along and tell us what this is!

Could any of the possible issues I've said be true for you? Any psycho exes in your life? Have you rejected any flirting? Could you have been too guarded and your behaviour judged as complete disinterest - even in friendship?

Sorry. I didn't mean to write so much. Things just start flowing. I hope some of it inspires you. But please, don't answer my problems here, I got a separate essay about it. Does anything I've written make you think differently?

Hey again, Blue

The women I'm having problems with are actually the single ones. The couple of married ones I know I actually get along with quite well. Maybe it's because there's more of a chance of something happening with the single ladies and there's not that kind of pressure with the married ones. If I sense that then I'm sure they do too! Creates kind of an awkward tension at times.

I act very guarded around most women in fear of saying or doing the wrong thing and then getting totally rejected. I also have a touch of Avoidant PD which I'm trying to deal with. I almost feel like I'm not worthy of anyone's attention. I also feel like I'm bothering them when i try to talk to them so sometimes I just don't approach them at all. As you said, I'm sure a lot of my guarded behavior has been interpreted as disinterest when in reality it is anything but that.

So, I'll be trying my best to stop the avoidant behavior.

Thanks for your interest.

Hi NotMe,

Sorry for the misunderstanding.

Are you actually interested in these women romantically, or just for friendship? I see you write that there's more of a chance of something happening. But are things awkward because you want things to happen, or scared of things of happening? Maybe you're not even bothered about things happening but you know it could, and that in itself creates a tension.

Do you ever find you're so constantly in conflict with yourself about how to behave, caught between instinct and the two halves of your brain, worrying about how your behaviour will appear?

I think definitely see if you can stop being too judgemental for a short while and try to look at things objectively. Are you being fair. Try to be less avoidant, doesn't take much, a little more than Hi (yes I worry about this too thought about doing more than I usually do and how this would come across). If there are still problems, address them then. Don't short change yourself. Give it a time limit for your own sanity.

Hey Blue,

I'm actually just interested in friendships right now, but if something else happened I wouldn't
totally object. LOL

There are some details of my situation that I'm omitting for the sake of privacy and security so it's hard to comment without revealing everything. That said I'll do my best to explain.
Part of my issue is that I've known these girls for a fairly long time and I've pretty much been
"Friend Zoned" by them. So now I think that to expect more than a friendship would be unrealistic. I'm at the point where I can say more than just "Hi", but sometimes it seems like they're in a rush to get away when we actually start to converse.
There is definitely some tension when I'm around them and I think it's because they might be sensing my conflict also.

I also have issues with feeling rejected or ignored when in reality these people just may not be that interested in being closer friends. So maybe this is the best I can expect - I just don't know. I thought of sharing this with them but I figured they'd see it as needy or clingy so I decided it wasn't a great idea.

As you pointed out there is an inner conflict as to how I should behave vs. just being myself. I almost feel like I need to put on some kind of act around them because the "real" me is not good enough for them. I try to resist doing that but it doesn't always work.

Thanks again for your thoughts

This also deals with the locus of control imo.

Thanks for your opinion, Pimp. If you wouldn't mind could you explain a little further since I'm not totally grasping how this relates to my situation. Thanks!

I would happily.

One way friends, or any issues such as this (subordinate/boss, lover/friendzone, etc) are almost always a symptom of the contrasting locus of controls.

For this situation, in your unfortunate situation, you are, as it appears to me, basing your intrinsic state upon an external control, aka, how that person feels about you affects how you feel in general.

This ties in with your own words:

also have issues with feeling rejected or ignored

NotMe wrote:Hey Blue,

I'm actually just interested in friendships right now, but if something else happened I wouldn't
totally object. LOL

That makes sense. Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

NotMe wrote:I'm at the point where I can say more than just "Hi", but sometimes it seems like they're in a rush to get away when we actually start to converse.

Im in a very slightly different position but understand how this is difficult and just generates tension and awkwardness.

NotMe wrote:I also have issues with feeling rejected or ignored when in reality these people just may not be that interested in being closer friends. So maybe this is the best I can expect - I just don't know. I thought of sharing this with them but I figured they'd see it as needy or clingy so I decided it wasn't a great idea.

Well, if you haven't got much of a relationship now with them, probably just come out and say whatever's on your mind. If you can cope with any fall out?

When you say feeling rejected or ignored, seeing Pimps reply, I just wanted to check. I don't like feeling rejected or ignored and I think it's normal to feel that when people are rejecting or ignoring you. But at the same time, if you knew this was happening, would you be OK with it? I don't like those feelings. I don't think anybody does. My problem is not knowing what's going on. Is that yours or is it just worrying about rejection?

Hey guys,
Thanks for your replies - much appreciated.
Pimp, what you are saying is true. I've always allowed peoples' opinions
of me kind of control how I feel. Especially if it's someone I like.
I don't know why it happens or how to stop it, but it's definitely an issue for me.
Maybe I have some sort of PD myself, but other than being somewhat Avoidant, I
don't really think I fit into any PD category per se.

And yes, Blue, I don't like feeling rejected or ignored. Sometimes I wonder if maybe that's
not really happening, but I'm just perceiving others' actions in that way. In other words,
I pass someone and they don't say Hi so I immediately assume they are avoiding or
rejecting me when really they are not. Is this some kind of insecurity on my part? I guess
I'm a bit confused at times.

I did take the risk of asking one of these friends what was going on. I said something like, "Haven't heard from you in a while, did I do something to upset you?" Her reply was "No, why would you think that." Interestingly, though, I haven't heard from her since then. Now I'm thinking I shouldn't have
said anything at all. I seem to be in a constant state of second guessing myself. Any ideas of
why this might be happening?

NotMe wrote:And yes, Blue, I don't like feeling rejected or ignored. Sometimes I wonder if maybe that's
not really happening, but I'm just perceiving others' actions in that way. In other words,
I pass someone and they don't say Hi so I immediately assume they are avoiding or
rejecting me when really they are not. Is this some kind of insecurity on my part? I guess
I'm a bit confused at times.

I sometimes have a tendency to think that. It depends on how long the friendship has been there and how deep it is. If I have a deep friendship, and one of my friends ignores me, I'll be a little upset, I'll ask why... they might say, sorry, didn't see you. That's fine. Do that too many times and with consistent behaviour in any other areas and I'll start doubting the relationship. Don't jump to conclusions, it's easy to do when you put someone up on a pedestal and their behaviour is under the microscope. Step back, and check, ask if they really did ignore you, or could their be another explanation.

If they see your face and then look down then yes, they're ignoring you. Why? Don't know.

NotMe wrote:I did take the risk of asking one of these friends what was going on. I said something like, "Haven't heard from you in a while, did I do something to upset you?" Her reply was "No, why would you think that." Interestingly, though, I haven't heard from her since then. Now I'm thinking I shouldn't have
said anything at all. I seem to be in a constant state of second guessing myself. Any ideas of
why this might be happening?

It sounds like you need to actually maybe accept they're just acquaintances, not friends. They don't think about you being friends. She's probably not being rude, just on the big old relationship scale, you're not important to her. You probably haven't done anything to upset her, but at the same time, you're not important enough. I don't think you can make friendship happen. Their loss, if they want to be like that.

Im thinking like that at the moment with my problem.