I don't want to hear about your secrets and private stories

So ever since I started dating, and as far as I can remember, it has really bothered me when guys tell me private stuff. Not only do I not want to hear it, but it almost makes me a little angry. For example, I've been chatting up this guy, we only had our first real conversation today. It was via FB messages. He was asking a lot about me...me not liking to share intimate details I really didn't want to get into some long story about myself but he was persistent. So it happened to come up that I don't get along with my parents. That's all I said. No specifics. He took this an an opportunity to tell me that his dad used to beat him and his mom and have witnessed them try to kill each other. Why is this okay? This always happens to me. Maybe I find this odd because I'm not an open book but I feel like this always happens to me. Men will quickly open up about something very private and I just don't like it. I don't want to hear it. It puts a damper on things. Instead of feeling deep anguish for the person, I feel kind of angry that they want to tell me these things. Twisted, I know. Which is why I'm here. I kinda feel bad about the way I react to things like that. I feel bad for feeling angry and like they've ruined the mood. It's just how I am. I don't feel a need to tell a guy I just met private and emotional stories. It does me no good. Why bring that energy into a new and exciting situation? That's how I feel. I don't feel bonded with a person when I share things like that with a guy I just met. I feel instead like it drags an element of harbored negativity that sucks the fun and "new" feeling out of meeting a new romantic interest.

Once I was on a date with a different guy....think it was our third date. He was just talking about a movie when he mentioned that he saw one movie when he was young while he was working with his parents cleaning movie theaters on the weekend for extra money. I was so annoyed when he said that. We were having a nice conversation. Was that necessary? Was it? I didn't want to know that.

I'm the same way with friends though. I hate when people feel close enough to me to start sharing the gritty details of their life. Always been that way. I hate when I meet a really fun person that I like hanging out with and they share details about their life that are not so perfect. It makes me look at them differently. I can't put my finger on it. I am not a therapist. I Dobt like feeling like you are so hurt and damaged you just need to vent to whoever will listen. Burdening me with your emotional pain. Especially with someone I just met. I feel used almost. Like they did care about how their sad stories will affect me. With a new friend or romantic partner, were all here to have fun. Why talk about that? I often see new relationships as exciting opportunities to break away from the stresses of everyday life. Create something new and fresh. I don't want to f***ing talk about my deep emotional past or yours.

When someone seems like a blast and then they tell me this, I feel like that human side to them ruins things. I don't know how to explain it. I told this to a therapist years ago and she didn't really get what I was trying to say but said that people with troubled pasts have difficulties with intimacy, which is why I do not like talking about this stuff. But If that is true idk why all these people just love talking about everything they've ever went through...

-- Wed Mar 05, 2014 6:30 am --

Anyway, I'm just wondering where this might come from or why it makes me so angry. I feel it's not normal how disinterested I become in a person when they open up to me. I feel like a sociopath. I just really don't want to hear it. Even if I've known you for a long time. But especially if we've just met.

Raven,I kind of understand what you are saying.I think it is just the fact that hearing stories wich which involve abuse or hardships is emotionally draining,because we care.Its not that we arent interested in helping people or knowing about their pasts,but there is a time and a place for everything,and getting into a new frienship/relationship,which no one knows if it will work out,isnt the place to be announcing ones private life.I am on the reserved side.I dont give out alot of info to people I know.I see no point...TMI...But some people dont hesitate to dump everything out thdere on the table.Maybe thats just a personal internal choice.Maybe some feel more comfortable putting it all out there???IDK,but I dont.I have absoluetly no problem with empathy,helping people,or listening to their problems.Thats why I joined here,to try to help others alittle.But I think when people we meet in person,throw everything out there,we maybe form a personal opionion based on that info about them,and then we view them on the opinion we made and not as they truly are.It then can interfere with the whole scope of the relationship.xx

Raven1018 -

For whatever it is worth, I think most people who spend much of their professional/personal life helping others (emotionally, physically, or both), have times they need some breaks from hearing others problems too. So it seems normal enough to me that people have boundaries/limits in this regard.

It's really then more about the matter of degree for me, and in your post you re-iterated in various ways that it bothers you greatly, and ended with a question, why? Of course only you know the real answer, but some possible reasons could include :

* Feeling overly responsible to do something to help, so reacting by not wanting to hear it at all.

* Feeling there is an ulterior motive, that they are expecting something else from you too, and so reacting by not wanting to hear it at all.

* Learning somewhere along the way that human expression of emotion is a sign of weakness, pathetic, something to be angered over.

* Feeling so overwhelmed by your own emotions/thoughts, that others emotions/thoughts on-top of that feels intrusive.

There are many other reasons as well, but again, only you really can know what is behind it.