Jealousy, and my own hypocrisy

I have a real problem. (I should probably mention I'm borderline now, so maybe this is fear of abandonment?)
I'm in a relationship with a girl I'm deeply in love with, and who (I assume) is deeply in love with me. We've been together a few months now so I guess we're still in the honeymoon phase.
But one thing always gets me - 99% of the time I'm jealous, and clingy but in my own head. I find myself constantly checking whether she's been online or not to see if she's ignoring me or talking to other boys. I know this is irrational but I can't help it, I'm 99.9999999% sure she would never ever cheat on me, even emotionally.
The jealousy issue basically swallows my whole life, I constantly think, what if she thinks the guy she's talking to now is more attractive than me? Is she mentally undressing him? When we're watching TV and the actors are all big ones like Brad Pitt I nearly have a panic attack and I literally start sweating sometimes over what she's thinking. This one time she liked a picture of a model (with like 10,000 likes anyway) on facebook and I cried myself to sleep. I told her I get jealous but I can't tell her the extent, after all, how can I expect her to find no other guys attractive? I also find girls attractive, and I think about models and stuff too. How do I get over these thoughts of her? Because I'm being a hypocrite when I myself am looking at models too.

peaklite -

Perhaps a different approach would result in some insight?

In this case a different approach might be to allow yourself to look at models/others etc. and work on not feeling guilty/wrong about doing so. I do understand the double-standard/dilemma (and why people with BPD have trouble trusting others), but perhaps it's also a problem that by being overly critical of yourself for looking, you are projecting too much significance for doing so unto your partner too?

p.s. Though for someone with BPD this may not work either. Where many people will say to themselves "okay, it's just looking and just as it doesn't mean anything to me, it doesn't to my partner", someone with BPD may think the worst, like "if I can look without feeling guilt and have sexual thoughts, my partner will too and is/may betray me".

xdude wrote:peaklite -

Perhaps a different approach would result in some insight?

In this case a different approach might be to allow yourself to look at models/others etc. and work on not feeling guilty/wrong about doing so. I do understand the double-standard/dilemma (and why people with BPD have trouble trusting others), but perhaps it's also a problem that by being overly critical of yourself for looking, you are projecting too much significance for doing so unto your partner too?

p.s. Though for someone with BPD this may not work either. Where many people will say to themselves "okay, it's just looking and just as it doesn't mean anything to me, it doesn't to my partner", someone with BPD may think the worst, like "if I can look without feeling guilt and have sexual thoughts, my partner will too and is/may betray me".

That last bit is kind of what I'm like. In MY mind, it's "well, if she thinks he's so hot, obviously she'll never meet him as he's famous, but WHAT IF she met him? would she cheat on me with him because he's famous and attractive?"

Think of how this reflects on your relationship in the mirror. If you are afraid that your relationship is going to be broken off because she has the opportunity to be with someone she finds more physically attractive, than what is the grounds of your relationship to begin with? Are you just with her because you are the most physically attractive person she's found that is willing to be with her? If that's all you see in this, it's all a futile waste of effort. Would you jump ship for a prettier boat?

You have to put more than that in and expect more than that. You have to have confidence in more than that. You have to value yourself more than that.

Ashlar wrote:Think of how this reflects on your relationship in the mirror. If you are afraid that your relationship is going to be broken off because she has the opportunity to be with someone she finds more physically attractive, than what is the grounds of your relationship to begin with? Are you just with her because you are the most physically attractive person she's found that is willing to be with her? If that's all you see in this, it's all a futile waste of effort. Would you jump ship for a prettier boat?

You have to put more than that in and expect more than that. You have to have confidence in more than that. You have to value yourself more than that.

I'm with her because I love her... we're both attractive people. I'd never leave her for someone prettier. But I don't know if she feels that way.

Being a jealous BPD person myself, I get it. I really do. I'm better than I used to be, but I've got to be careful because it can still consume me badly. I'm really bad with the "what if" scenarios, and I'm also scared of being ignored so he can get off to these better things. It's a terrifying experience.

Now the only thing I've found that helped me start overcoming it was boosting my own confidence, and trusting them even when it's difficult. Just take a deep breath and tell yourself "She's with me. She's with me because she loves me. If she loves me, she won't hurt me like that." I've also found one thing in particular that was very liberating. Because you can't control her, and if she wants to she will, there's no point in worrying about it until it becomes an issue. (I also understand if that is triggering. For a while, it really bothered me.)

Also, about the hypocrisy, I've got a sexuality problem myself (long story), so when he began helping me feel attracted to others it put me in that situation. I learned that instead of feeling guilt for it, try and analyze how you are. Does this person mean anything to you? Would you leave your girlfriend for them? Ask yourself these questions, because I'm sure her answers will be the same as yours.

aliveatnight wrote:Being a jealous BPD person myself, I get it. I really do. I'm better than I used to be, but I've got to be careful because it can still consume me badly. I'm really bad with the "what if" scenarios, and I'm also scared of being ignored so he can get off to these better things. It's a terrifying experience.

Now the only thing I've found that helped me start overcoming it was boosting my own confidence, and trusting them even when it's difficult. Just take a deep breath and tell yourself "She's with me. She's with me because she loves me. If she loves me, she won't hurt me like that." I've also found one thing in particular that was very liberating. Because you can't control her, and if she wants to she will, there's no point in worrying about it until it becomes an issue. (I also understand if that is triggering. For a while, it really bothered me.)

Also, about the hypocrisy, I've got a sexuality problem myself (long story), so when he began helping me feel attracted to others it put me in that situation. I learned that instead of feeling guilt for it, try and analyze how you are. Does this person mean anything to you? Would you leave your girlfriend for them? Ask yourself these questions, because I'm sure her answers will be the same as yours.

thanks a lot. i try to think about the 'if she wants to cheat, she will' and it does actually make me feel better, because then i'll know she wasn't worth it.