Never out of balance

Hello!

This is my first post here, so please, if I post on wrong section or anything like that, please be patient.

I have realized I have an issue, or may have, I want to ask you here about something.

I recently lost my grandmother, quite by surprise, actually. We were close etc, but what struck me was that I didn't feel sad or anything like that. On the contrary, the only thing I tried (mentally) to do, was to get back on "balance", that is to, to have my peace of mind back. I succeeded since I have learned how to smooth out my possible alterations in my mood (by eating certain kinds of foods, listening to certain kind of music etc)

Now, just today, I realized something quite disturbing. I don't want to fall in love, or even have a crush, since that would upset this mental balance. Being a young man, this can be seen as somewhat problematic. However, this has been so for quite a while, but only the death of my grandma brought this up somehow. I, in some way, handle the emotions of sadness in a similar way as the emotions of affection.

And an other thing. Any time, a girl/woman implies that she might be interested in me, I almost always find her somehow repelling from that point on, not necessarily before, though.

I just needed to share this, thank you!

I'm like this. I find relationships to be difficult and full of hassle, and I never wanted to be in one. However, as fate would have it, I've been in mine for 2 years now. What I learned, was that although it disrupts your mind initially, you do learn to adapt and it's actually nice having someone be there for you.

If someone came up to you and told you they had feelings for you, what thoughts would run through your head?

The first what I would think would be something along the lines: "this is embarrassing" and also, I would feel like a shock wave would hit me (quite literally, actually).

I know this because such occasions have occurred in the past.

I understand. Perhaps you're at a stage right now where you are better off on your own, and there's nothing wrong with that. Does it bother you that you feel this way?

You may well be right. However, since I'm almost 25 and this condition has persisted over the span of my entire life, I must say that I find it, if not disturbing, at least somewhat peculiar.

It is true that there are certain kinds of seasons in individuals life and maybe this is one of them.

Of course, the fact that many of my relatives have for good a many years inquired about why I have not a special someone does not make this thing any easier. The truth be told, all of my siblings and cousins have or have had someone or are dating someone, so I am a bit of a weird case here.

In any case, I must say that I'm not worried. Perhaps my relatives are but that is their concern.