I miss a man almost twice my age

I'm sorry if I had posted this in the wrong section.. but I was hoping if someone out there could maybe be a mirror and help me realize what I need.

Hello Im Madeline or 'Mad' (17- turning 18 in march), i'm fairly new to this site and i'm going nuts. I'm sorry for the lengthy writing in advance.

I had met a 32 year old man 6 months ago online. This was dangerous and stupid (i'm fully aware). It's just that I had this deep fantasy of being "raped" by someone older? I intentionally was thinking this would have been a safe one night stand and that I was thinking if I did this I could get it out of my system and move on... But it was anything but that.

We saw each other just about 1-3 times a week since we've met. It turned into a sort of friends with benefits situation but the thing is.. I imagine most people doing this only contact each other for sex and nothing more. But we joke and laugh , chat about the $#%^ that were going through, talk of our life stories, we travel off somewhere, eat out, hang during the holidays, and lots of movies and just laying in bed and cuddling.

I looked forward to seeing him every single week and the time passes a little bit.. I see that there's so many charms that I love so much about him, name a good quality of a man.. he's got it. We've talked before that the relationship we have and it has a limit because our life styles are so different and I understand of course. Maybe if I was 25 and done with college with a career I could help him out with financial issues if he needs it.. He has told me that a relationship has two parts which is money and chemistry. If I had the other half I probably could have had a chance but It actually hurts knowing it wouldn't workout

I see myself going past a small crush now and the feelings that I have are getting stronger. I had promised myself that I would've have been gone long before I ever fell for him.. which I did go... The morning when I told him how I felt and that i'm going to cut off the relationship he had cried (maybe because I had played a song that represented how I felt.. it was called Say Something by a great big world).. I asked him "why are you crying?". he responded "Because I like you and i'm going to miss you".. he didn't really believe that I was going to do it. I had even showed him my phone and me deleting our messages and his number I asked him if he'd do the same.. He refused to.

I gave him a tight hug when I left and then I cried when I got home.

It's been a bit and I miss him so much it aches.. His birthday's coming up late January I was thinking I'll leave him a present. Then just never appear. Would that be an okay thing to do? I just want to let him know that he meant something to me.

I have this feeling that I shouldn't have left him? That somehow he could have fallen for me too? I was just trying not to get hurt but I regret this choice so much. This relationship isn't at all right but I WANT to be with him. Am I really over head?

Well our heart and emotions play strange games, things never go exactly as we plan them out, especially in the matter of love, it is tough to control our feelings. Here you are, took a seemingly wise decision of cutting ties with him, so that you are not hurt when you actually breakup in a bitter way.

So tough to offer an advice is this situation, on the one hand you are head over heals in love with him and on the other hand it is clear to you that this is not going to work out for you.