Long post... I just need some guidance... sharing my life

I didn't know where to post this because I don't really know how to categorize it. This is going to be long and I don't know if anyone can figure it out. But here goes:

My whole life I never really "fit in". I've always been a major daydreamer and both socially and physically awkward at the best of times. Situations that others experience effortlessly often perplex me. In school I was ridiculed because I was quite the ugly duckling, pretty chubby, thrifty clothing. And I was so strange. At home, although my family was middle class, I was spoiled. I wined for everything, I regret, and this lasted until well into middle school. I've only ever had a few close-knit friends; let's start with my sister "Stephanie." We argued a lot when we were younger, as most siblings do, and my younger brother (who was a menace to me when he was younger) and her ganged up on me for years. But since high school, we became closer and closer. I love my parents dearly but my father is a very angry and opinionated person and my mother is very anxious and sort of controlling. They don't get along and I've grown up watching them fight. They still fight today, calling each other all kinds of names.

From kindergarten to grade 4 I had my first friend, let's call her Amelia. She was pretty bossy and I just sort of followed her around, existing for her fancy, until I decided enough was enough. Then there was Sarah, and her siblings, and we remained very good friends even through high school, especially in grades 9 and 10, but to this day we're still pretty close, even though we don't really see each other. In grade 3, I met Frederic, and we really hit it off. We didn't always see eye to eye but that didn't really affect our relationship because we knew how to agree to disagree. We played Star Wars and LEGO together, had all kinds of fun. We remained good friends, then when we finished middle school we saw each other less and less. We dated briefly in grade 11 and sadly things haven't quite been the same between us after that.

I've always been sort of "geeky" or whatever they call it, indulging in fiction, binging on Tolkien and Star Wars in middle school, musicals, b-movies, all kinds of stuff. I read a lot at one time, too.

In middle school I developped hypochondria, I was always worried to death about some condition I might have or some peril the world might face. But a few good sessions of therapy solved that, although my anxiety never really left. Mental health issues run in my family. My brother has OCD, my sister has depersonnalization. 9th grade was rough for me, everyone sort of mocked my awkwardness, even boys, just like in middle school. I found a couple of good friends, Mel and Juliette, Emi and Rachelle. And I still had Sarah and her brother and sister. And my sister. So it was overall ok. In tenth grade I started cozying up to my best friend, Nicolas. Even today Nicolas and my sister Stephanie are the two people that keep me sane, because I know I can go to them with no matter what and they'll love me unconditionally. There was also Eric, and Zachary who I fell madly in love with and who led me on like crazy but ended up being gay (my first heartbreak). We laugh about it now, it wasn't very detrimental.

I tended to make friends who happened to be homosexual or who were "different" in some way. I joined a gay straight alliance and it somehow made me feel better about being an underdog. I was never into clothing or makeup until high school hit and then I did absolutely insane things with my hair and clothes. I went through all kinds of stages, hair colours, bunny ears, balloon skirts, I had so much fun with that. I expressed myself that way and had a lot of fun doing it. In 12th grade I got into shape and looked the best of my life for prom. I discovered David Bowie, whose work I felt a special connection to.

I kept a few close friends as I mentioned, Nicolas, Zachary, Eric, Mel, Juliette, Rachelle. There was also Pamela, who had only briefly gone to my high school but I kept contact with her because we clicked. And on a cool April evening, she introduced me to, let's call him "Pal". Pal was working in a corner store facing a high school in our area. He was the older brother of her ex boyfriend. I knew from previous conversations that he was probably into drugs, that he was probably "no good" as the expression goes. But I walked into his little store and looked into his eyes and something happened. I had and have to this day never felt like that before in my entire life.

We engaged in conversation immediately, me bearing my quirkiness and him drinking it in. He would hop over the counter just to stand beside me. I hadn't had a relationship except for Frederic. No one had shown interest except for Frederic, but it was just not the same with him. He affected me in a whole new way. When we left the store that night, he was closing and had some party to go to with his friend Jocelyn. Just before we parted he gave me his sweater because of the chilly air. Pamela received a text: "Why would you bring a smart and pretty girl into my store?" I melted. That night I pondered. He's into dope, he works at a corner store... but then I thought... give him a break girl... he's just taking a year off after graduation, making some money... and lots of people are into dope.

The following week Pamela and I were drinking in his parents' basement with Jocelyn and him. I was so naive. Brave, led by my emotions, I suggested a game of spin the bottle. We shared a passionate kiss. I fell asleep in his arms and left in the early hours of the morning, awkward and quiet in Pamela's enraged father's car. That day all I could think about was Pal. He added me on Facebook and we spoke often. We began meeting up, having dates. And then one day I told myself, he's really into dope. I mean even now I don't really have a strong opinion against marijuana specifically. I smoke now and then myself. But at the time I didn't and I didn't know if he was into weed alone and how much into it he was. So we took a three week break. But I ended up running back to him. I was crazy about him.

I let him in completely. Because although I had a few friends, only Nicolas and Stephanie I felt didn't end up eventually getting fed up with me on some level. And then there was Pal. He told me I was strong, smart, beautiful. He listened to me and made me feel like a million bucks. We baked cookies, listened to albums, sat out on the patio, took long walks. It was amazing. That summer he took my virginity and it felt so right then. We went to a cottage with our couple friends, Marie and Matthew. I had happened to have gone to middle school with Marie so we hit it off. That summer is forever burned in my memory as being the greatest time of my life. Amelia turned out to be part of the stoner crowd he was friends with. I wasn't working, he was working at a new gas station, and we spent so many magical moments together. I tried hash and began smoking weed. But I was living in a fantasy world and forgetting all my friends. When september came I got a job at a department store, deciding to take the year off. He went on to college in accounting.

By December he had quit his course, began full time at the gas station, and had begun dope dealing, which I suspect he had been doing on and off for some time. This troubled me greatly, but I didn't get too involved or try to stop him other than sharing my opinion. Things started getting complicated. He was excessively flirting with an old crush, everything I did began annoying him. But when he held me so close and kissed my head and made me feel so loved, it didn't matter. It got worst and worst. "Oh, YOU'RE a smart one," he would scoff sarcastically when I would screw something up. He forced me to ditch the condom. I had gained weight from increased appetite due to the pill and I was too lethargic, busy and tired to exercise anymore. He never told me I looked bad though, he was very good for that. The contrary, the second I brought up my weight or appearance he would get so mad at me that I had a problem with it. Another fight... the fights increased.

One thing I should have figured out about him but was too naive to is that he had never quite gotten over his ex. They had dated ten months, eight months before we met, and broken up three times during that period. But he had just never gotten over her. She was working towards being with Jocelyn, his best friend, as they had previously dated in grade 9, and eventually, they got together. As more and more drugs made their apparition or reapparition, in Pal's life, shrooms, speed, and eventually acid and coke, our relationship became less and less healthy. I started seeing the ugly side of Pal's social life. All these sketchy doings and people. Danger everywhere. And his reputation, his friends. Meaning so much more than me. Instead of complimenting me, he undermined me. Instead of treasuring me, he undervalued me. This is what he had once promised. This isn't what he had once told me he wanted. But I held that burning summer in my heart and told myself that one day, we could get back there. Because I had become so close to Pal, not just as his girlfriend but as his friend. I thought I knew him. But he had changed, somehow. Or maybe he hadn't. But his behavior had.

He moved out of his parents house and into a place with Marie and Mathew. Then they moved again because they were kicked out of the first place. It reeked of marijuana and there was SO much traffic. They dealt dope together, and their business was ever-growing. Mathew even got jumped at one point. Scared the hell out of us.

I kept my job at the department store, now working for CLINIQUE, and began my aesthetics course, which I'm still taking now. He kept dope dealing and working for a corner store. Our destructive relationship went on until this November. In late October, his ex, let's call her Jennifer, who, by the way, was still with Jocelyn, began coming over every weekend. After some crazy stuff at a party she wasn't with him anymore. I would go to work and she would spend the whole day watching movies with Pal at his apartment. Then he would go to her place, smoke up with her, watch Breaking Bad. While I was at work. And god had I ever loved him. But now I loved, yet hated him, because I knew the ugly side of him. Big personalities like that are difficult to understand. He ended up leaving me, the morning after a party, while he was still high on blow, with her on the couch, with me in my bra and panties.

In the last year and nine months I had become part of his world. And it was my fault, me and my delusions. I had become what I thought was close with his family, with his brother, with Marie and Mathew, with all his friends. But after the breakup they all seemed to loathe me. I had spent so much time away from my own friends and family. All for Pal, who didn't turn out being what he was for me at first, in the end. I'm still bewildered and hurt from all this, even though I would never go back with him. He's obviously back with Jennifer. And now, I'm left with all this. The self doubt I've always had, and ever more self LOATHING for what I accepted, what I went along with, and for what? I don't know I just feel so lost and sad and small and confused. I had trusted him so much... I had loved him so deeply... and then things just got strange. Tiffany and Nicolas have really been there for me. But my brain feels like scrambled egg right now. I don't know what to think. And, as much as I love my job, I'm really into skincare and makeup, I'm just not that into aesthetics. My marks were excellent in French and English in high school, I feel like maybe I'm missing my calling... I just don't know.

First things first, don't feel bad or regret anything that happened. You have learned a lot out of this. We have all come out of things thinking god how could we have been so stupid and naive. But if you ask any wise person how they became wise they will say by being naive and stupid first. Even now I can think of more than a few instances that can cause me to blush and think holy crap I did that for a girl... but I wouldn't trade any of them for the experiences that they gave me and for where I am now. And I'm sure I'll make more than a few mistakes before I'm done with this world.

Just remember, at any one time, you only know what you know... Now you know more, and the only thing you MUST do is never ever ever ever fall for another PAL. There are a lot of them out there. And you'll want to fall for them again and forget all the bad things Pal did and just remember the way he could make you fell. But you have to remember the bad things to.

As for your life... Take these opportunties when they come to reasses your life... There is nothing wrong with stopping and saying do I want something different. It doesn't matter if your 21, 25, 30 or 40. If you feel like you were meant for something else, then DO something else. What is stopping you? This is YOUR life, and the only person you owe anything to is you. You have a broken heart. Be with your friends, heal, find yourself again, and do what you need to do for YOU to be happy.

Wow, that's some really good advice right there. That's right, and I tend to be drawn to personalities like Pal's, but I must be more wary. I've stated I'm a daydreamer, this is true, and my life felt like a sort of story book with him in it. Because of all of his exciting and uncommon activity. But it wasn't funny and it wasn't a game. He was risking his safety and ruining lives. I had to wake up and realize that. So I'll date a leader next, that's for sure, because it attracts me, but someone who is interesting and has a big personality in a POSITIVE way. You're right, it's important not to fall back into the same situation with someone else!

As for school, you're absolutely right. I'm going to get licensed in June and when September comes around, if all goes well, I'll be in Uni with my best friend Nicolas.

Thanks for all the awesome advice sweetie, very well put! Encouraging words.

I'm working on the heartbreak, too. It's coming all alright, as well as it can considering how messed up the situation was and how much I had foolishly invested myself emotionally, but I still have these weird nightmares about Pal all the time. One, which I've had four times, where he's shot. The first time I dreamed that, we were together. The last time I dreamed it was just the other night, and when I got to the hospital this time, girlfriend Jennifer was there, telling me to ###$ off, that I didn't belong there. And I'm like don't you care he's bleeding out? I always wake up before I find out if he survives, too. I'm sick of these dreams, they force me to think of him.