Jealousy, need help

First of all I think I should add that I have SPD.
I get incredibly jealous and self conscious in my relationship. It makes me jealous knowing that my girlfriend finds other people attractive, when she talks to or does something such as liking an attractive persons post on facebook it's just as bad... I keep thinking that if someone like that she would just cheat on them although I really doubt it would happen, the thought is till there you know. If she ever looks at models and celebrities who have better bodies than me it makes me self conscious, it's obvious they're more attractive than me. When I told her about it she got kind of annoyed. I can see how and I told her I know it's stupid because I can't expect her to find no one else attractive, but I find things like when she would compliment or look or set a model as her wallpaper alien to me because I honestly can't think of a girl more attractive than her... I have to internet search for attractive people if I want to get a list. She was probably also quite alienated by the fact that I am self conscious, because no one would ever guess that I'm incredibly insecure and that I cry at things like my body image and the way I am, and I just don't think she understands why, although I don't want to tell her I'm SPD.
I really don't know what to do.

The problem is simply that you're heavily physically and emotionally invested in this woman, such that her actions and behaviors have the ability to cause you a great deal of mental distress. Take myself as an example. I have no physical or emotional investment in this woman so what she does on her Facebook and whatnot has no impact on my emotional bearings whatsoever. This is the norm for one who is heavily invested and for one who is not. The obvious solution therefore becomes to be more psychologically detached or not to be as heavily invested. One way of doing that is to come to terms with, make peace with, and have a plan in the possibility that she breaks up with you, leaves you, lies to you, cheats on you, etc.

It also reads like you have self-image problems. The body image problems may be improved by simple measures such as healthy diet, exercising, maintaining one's appearance, etc. Self image problems pertaining to one's personality and social standing can also be improved if one really desires. It won't happen overnight most likely but through effort, commitment, and planning, I believe it would be possible.

Kabuhi wrote:... The obvious solution therefore becomes to be more psychologically detached or not to be as heavily invested. One way of doing that is to come to terms with, make peace with, and have a plan in the possibility that she breaks up with you, leaves you, lies to you, cheats on you, etc.
...

Hey Kabuhi,

Yes, this is one possible way to deal with it, and just a personal opinion, it's also what is behind many quote/un-quote 'disorders', coping mechanisms people adopt, to avoid being hurt. Keeping others/life at a distance, and we can't be hurt, but...

An alternative is to face one's insecurities head on, accept them, work your way through them even though it is painful to do so. From another point of view feeling it, facing it, requires real strength too. The hard part with this path is that odds are you are going to have to tell your partner about your insecurities, and odds are too that they won't accept them, or worse, use them against you.

Doing so may well end the relationship (or be the beginning of the end), but at the same time, letting someone else know how you really feel can be cathartic, open the way for real change in how we feel about ourselves. It is empowering too to admit our insecurities to others, because odds are our partners have plenty of insecurities too that they are too insecure to face.

Just my 2 cents,

X

Thanks guys. I told my partner I'm insecure, and she seemed accepting really. I told her it made me jealous and I knew it was stupid.
I'm not really sure why I'm insecure... I'm pretty attractive (just saying that proves it really) and I have a nice body from working out and being in the athletics team in the past, and I'm a social person when I'm in public, in private, I retreat into my shell.
The problem with my disorder, personally, is that I don't see reality very much, i twist my own thoughts and when i get upset and start crying over these issues that she thinks other men are attractive, i get angry, and i purposely dwell on it for the feeling of rage. I only recently accepted that the world isn't perfect. I often come up with plans beforehand so I think plans for breaking up etc. would be helpful.

I need the feeling of venting. I've been looking up jealousy and it's mainly the fear that she will leave me for someone more attractive, someone who can fulfill her in the bedroom better, etc.

peaklite -

Makes sense. The first step toward dealing with insecurities is facing them.

xdude wrote:An alternative is to face one's insecurities head on, accept them, work your way through them even though it is painful to do so. From another point of view feeling it, facing it, requires real strength too.

You're certainly entitled to your own opinion, even though this reads like a bit of sophistry to me. The only difference between this and what I wrote was that I was a little more precise in identifying what I believed to be the root cause of the insecurities and provided a map for getting from point A to point B. What is written here is simply a vaguer form of what I wrote before.

Now I'm not saying that the original poster should go from point A to point B. My advice is simply that if he wanted to go to point B, which in this case is being less jealous and insecure, this might be an effective way of doing so. He's the master of his own life however, so what he decides is ultimately up to him. I'm only a provider of facts and knowledge. I provide counsel so that others may make their own decisions.

Let me try to give an example (by way of analogy) that may help to clarify what I'm thinking -

I had a pet that I really cared about. The pet was a stray, so rather skittish/scared at first, but over time became increasingly trusting. I really loved my pet, and my pet spent most of his time on or near me when I was home.

One day my pet bit me to wake me from a deep sleep, not cool, but my pet was trying to wake me and other methods didn't work. Still...

In theory I could have reacted by living in some deep seated fear that my pet might bite me again, withdraw emotionally, and played with my pet less because there was a chance that the pet might bite again. That might seem silly, but there are people who are afraid of animals, or some types of animals, who won't have one, or won't emotionally attach to one out of some fear that is very real to them. It's definitely a way to avoid being bitten/scratched/etc., avoid having a pet or playing with them much.

For me I'd rather have had the close emotional bond with my pet, play, enjoy how I felt about my pet, even though there was a tiny chance it might bite me again. If I had emotionally withdrawn, odds are that I'd have also treated my pet less affectionately, and odds are too that in turn my pet would have done the same.

So your advice is try to enjoy and immerse oneself more deeply into the relationship, but do nothing about the jealousy. That's certainly one path. One doesn't need to do anything about their jealousy, it's simply one option. One always has the option to simply tolerate it or distract himself with other things. It's also possible that one would simply become desensitized to things over time.

I'm trying to face it head on. I try and keep a cool head and think 'it's all in my head, normal people react fine to this situation'.
I haven't been diagnosed with SPD yet. It could be borderline too, or both. Who knows, but i don't feel right

Hi Peaklite.
You sound a lot like me. I'm 27 and very jealous and insecure.
I've always felt like there's something wrong with me. I'm an Aries...and like to think that's part of it.
I grew up with a cheating and abusive father and a submissive mom. So I think my paranoia comes from seeing my parents fight over the new lady my dad f*cked that week. whether it was our neighbor or some family friend. I've seen it and seen the pain my mom went thru. I got scars from their relationship before I could even have a relationship my self.
I never had problems attracting guys or having relationships. My longest relationship was 7 years long and when it ended it messed me up in a different way. It was kind of abusive too. I was always jealous and my ex didn't help the cause by being a liar and a flirt and just telling me I was crazy all the time. But that's over and I'm glad.
I have a new relationship now...It's been almost two years. My bf now is a sweet heart. He's has so much patience with me.
I was really good about my jealousy when we started. He's a really good looking guy and 5 yrs younger than me. As time went by and I became more invested in the relationship, my jealousy or "real self" showed up. Now I'm jealous of everything...from him standing close to a hot girl to him talking to or laughing at someone's jokes. I "control" it most of the time...by not saying anything. But sometimes it's too much and I lose it and say something and get upset. As soon as I finish saying something it's like my head clears up and I can think better. That's when I realize it's not his fault girls walk around being an attention whores. so I drop it. I know it's not his fault so I ask him to forgive me and tell him I'm working on controlling my jealousy better. He just tells me he loves me and he doesn't want anyone but me. which helps a lot. But I think he'll get tired of me and dealing with that and that's when I become depressed and hate myself.

I've made him not add girls on Instragram or delete girls I think are too slutty and only show sexy pics of themselves. I don't think he should be looking at those. He's good about it. He doesn't give me reasons to be jealous. But my head just makes me think he's doing stuff behind my back. Probably because my dad was always doing that?
Every time I see a girl being too nice or being the least amount of flirty around him I wanna rip her head off. I have all this anger toward women who don't respect taken men. It's almost like I wanna go around the world beating the crap out of them and teaching them a lesson.

Sorry for the long story. I'm new here.
The point of this post was to tell you what works for me sometimes. I meditate for a bit...meaning I clear my head and breath in and out counting 6 in 4 hold and 7 release or something like that. This is just to get the more oxygen circulating thru my body. then I think about all the good I do for my bf and out relationship. I try and work on being the best gf I can. I think about all the love I give him, about how good looking I am (everyone is good looking in their own way, just love yourself, even when it's hard to) and I say to myself...I'm giving him my best, I'm not lying or doing anything that would hurt him. So if he wants to do something to hurt me like cheating or lying then it's his fault and his lost and he will get his karma for it. As dumb as it sounds makes me feel better. hope this helps