I'm devestated and I hate myself so much!!!! ;(

Ive been having an extremely tough time lately. I FINALLY began to accept the fact that I'm gay after going through a living hell for years. This is because I got a boyfriend, even though he lives in Texas and I live in Massachusetts. We made all these plans to live together in an apartment after we graduated college, and he would always tell me how much he loves me, and how he's "never felt anything like this before" which was all just a bunch of #######4. Then today, right after he got back from Indianapolis, he just broke up with me out of nowhere and is like "I want someone who lives close to me", when just yesterday he was saying how distance wasn't an issue, and that he would do anything to be with me. I just am so mad at him because he made me believe that he really cared about me.

All my friends and family resent me so much for the way I behave because I was recently diagnosed with psychosis and depression, and I know it's hard to believe this, but when I was with him, my psychotic symptoms disappeared, and now I'm going to regress back into a living hell. My whole family and best friend resent me so much because of the way I behave, even though I try sooo hard to be normal. ;( I hate that being gay is so hard, and that because I'm psychotic that I constantly upset everyone around me. I pray so hard every night to God to find me a soul mate who truly cares about me, so that I'm not alone my whole life. I thought I FINALLY found that person, but apparently I didn't, and now my heart is broken. ;(((( I feel like I may never find a soul mate because my psychosis makes everyone hate me, and I have absolutely zero motivation to do anything.

I am on strong antidepressants and antipsychotics which helped for a time, but now they don't. Just when things seem like they are beginning to get better, more $#%^ comes into my life. It has been this way ever since my mom and other family members began dying. I was already hospitalized once because of my urge to self harm, but I don't want to go again because they didn't help me the first time. WHY IS GOD DOING THIS TO ME!!!!?? I HATE BEING GAY AND PSYCHOTIC, and I put everything into the relationship, and even felt comfortable to come out to everyone because of him, and now I just hate every aspect of my life so much!!!! Why do I have to be this way!!!!??? Please help me, I am so hopeless right now!!!!!!;(((((

wxglobemaster448 -

Welcome to the forum.

A few thoughts :

Have you talked with your doctor about the medications you are on? I ask because if you feel they are not working the doctor needs to know. There are often alternative medications, or adjustments your doctor can make.

No it's not hard to believe what you wrote. Most of us do feel much better, happier, and healthier when we are in a relationship. Whether that's a relationship with someone of the opposite sex or same sex doesn't (or shouldn't) matter.

All of that aside, this forum is full of stories from people who have had someone in their life who they really loved, but it didn't work out for various reasons. Finding and maintaining a relationship is difficult for most of us. The long distance aspect to yours is especially hard even if there are no other issues.

Thanks dude! And yes, my doctor recently upped my dosage of meds to see if it helps.