PLEASE HELP!! Getting Over A Falling-Out With A Close Female

A month ago, I had a pretty bad falling-out with a close friend that came out of nowhere.

She was somebody I met through my job at the university. We worked together as a pair last Spring and got along great. We shared a lot of the same interests and similar beliefs. Outside of work, we texted each other often & helped each other with personal problems. I already knew she had a boyfriend, but that was never a problem b/c our relationship was purely platonic.

However, things between us began to get strained in the Fall. When I realized she was graduating in December, I began to get clingy. It got worse after my friend was suddenly rushed to the hospital in October. I had started developing feelings for her, but since she was already taken, I knew nothing would come out of it. Eventually, she approached me about my clinginess, and I tried my best to disengage my feelings and distance myself a bit.

After we had distanced ourselves for a while, we were back on friendly terms. She helped me through a serious crisis in November and things between us seemed better than ever.

That was, until, she started avoiding me all of a sudden after Thanksgiving Break. I figured she was just busy/stressed from job-searching & finals, so I left her alone. However, it became increasingly obvious to me that her avoidance was directed at me.

The weekend before Finals Week, she sent me a private message on Facebook. It was the most hurtful & painful letter I've ever read. After graduating this semester, she wanted to cut ties with me. She said I was "overly attached" to her & made her feel "ridiculously uncomfortable" all semester. She accused me of trying to steal her away from her boyfriend, when this was never the case. I was always considerate of her feelings and never flirted with her. I really tried my best to respect her boundaries and adjust to her cues.

The tone of the letter kept shifting from being brutally honest about me & herself, to showing pity, to being downright spiteful. She said that she was living in a "childlike fantasy" -- that she was naive to think she could have guy friends while dating.

I replied to her message and said she really hurt me and was unfair to dump all of this on me. I begged her to give me a chance to mend things, but she still wouldn't budge on the issue. Instead, she said for us to have some distance for a while. I reluctantly agreed & said I hoped we could reconcile soon.

After that, she blocked me from her Facebook account.

The following week was one of the most painful I've ever endured. On top of studying for finals, I had to go to work every day and see my friend acting like everything was great -- she was acting extra nice to co-workers that she never got along with, as she completely avoided me. This continued even through the last day of her job, before graduation. She left work that day, saying her goodbyes to everyone but me.

Ever since then, we haven't contacted each other. A trusted confidant said that she strongly feels the boyfriend most likely warped her perception of our friendship out of jealousy when he saw us getting too close with one another. In the weeks leading up to my friend cutting ties, her boyfriend started spending much more time with my friend -- it would become more apparent whenever she complained on Facebook about guys in her classes hitting on her. When I described my friend's BF to my dad & confidant, both of them interpreted him as "possessive" and "controlling."

If that's really the case, I'm sure my friend won't go out of her way to mend our friendship until she breaks things off with him. And unfortunately, I don't see that happening any time soon...especially after she told me in the letter that she expects him to propose to her after graduating.

We were really close, and I helped her out so much (especially when she went to the hospital in October)...I don't know why she would hurt me this badly. It's been a month and I'm still struggling to get over her. I've been trying to concentrate on other hobbies. But recently, with returning to university classes & my job, I've been suffering bouts of anxiety and depression due to lingering memories of my friend in these places.

PLEASE HELP!! ;_;

***MY QUESTION(S)***

1. In her letter, my friend kept swaying back & forth in wanting to completely sever ties & for us to just have some distance from each other "for a while." Why did she seem indecisive? Is this a sign of a rash decision?

2. Why did my friend treat me the way she did??

3. Should I try reaching out to my friend one more time if I don't hear from her a month from now? Or should I remain "zero contact" until she makes the first move? A friend told me that I should try making the first move b/c she might be afraid to reach out, but I'm afraid she will block my number.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

Hi JoePianist,

Welcome to the forums. It's a little difficult to offer advice not knowing much about your relationship with your friend so please remember that what I write is only my opinion.
1) Women often have issues breaking up with men, even if the relationship is not a strictly boy-girl thing. Maybe she thought she hurt you too much and didn't want to take all your hope away. I don't think she was indecisive as she blocked your FB account.
2). I don't know... Maybe she tried to accomodate your needs but couldn't in the end. Maybe her bf got very jealous. You have to remember that for women a friendship is a friendship. And for guys it's often something more. Maybe she thought she could be friends with you but then realized your feelings for her. Or maybe she knew she could never be with you so decided to hurt you so you could forget about her and move on.
3). You should remain "zero contact". If she blocked your FB account and described you as "clingy" and "over attached" contacting her would only confirm that.

There is one main reason why you should stay away from her - if you don't, it's quite likely you won't get over her. And she is planning to marry another guy. You seem like a very nice, thoughtful and really decent guy - you deserve someone who can appreciate it and who wants to be with you. I realize it's hard - but if you keep seeing her you might loose a chance for a true love (as cliche as it sounds, it's really true... ) I hope you feel better soon.

***MY QUESTION(S)***

1. In her letter, my friend kept swaying back & forth in wanting to completely sever ties & for us to just have some distance from each other "for a while." Why did she seem indecisive? Is this a sign of a rash decision?

I'm not sure any of us can answer this. I'm sure regardless of the real reasons, this wasn't an easy decision for her. When someone makes a hard decision, they usually vacillate back and forth. I doubt it was a rash decision either way.

2. Why did my friend treat me the way she did??

Again, we don't know her, and can't say. Maybe her boyfriend was jealous and gave her an ultimatum. And lets face it, you said you liked her, and whether you could back off your feelings or not, once you cross that line there really is no going back. Having been in your shoes once, and looking back, it puts her in a very uncomfortable position. She really can't win. I know your hurting, and I know you think you can be friends and you can keep your feelings in check, but you won't be able to. You will always be looking at why the guy isn't good enough for her. Always looking for reasons why your better than him, and why you can't be with him. Frankly as the other poster said, you are better off moving on so you can move on with your life.

3. Should I try reaching out to my friend one more time if I don't hear from her a month from now? Or should I remain "zero contact" until she makes the first move? A friend told me that I should try making the first move b/c she might be afraid to reach out, but I'm afraid she will block my number.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

Is this friend of yours a mutual friend of both of yours? If so, then you may want to listen to his/her advice. Otherwise, I would advise you to move on. You've been told for some distance, and its up to her to seek you out. I know its hard, and I know it hurts. She has made her decision. There are many different reasons why she could have made the decision, but at the end of the day she did. If you truly value her friendship, you have to decide what she would really want you to do. Would she want you to back off and wait for her to seek you out. Or would she want you to keep pestering her. Put yourself in her shoes. If you want to have a chance to be friends with her someday, you have to honor what she wants. Not do what you want to do.

If she had just *COMMUNICATED* with me that she was feeling uncomfortable and coming a bit too strong, I feel things wouldn't have come to this. If she told me she wanted more space, I would have given it to her. I'm being treated like some kind of crazy stalker who can't deal with feelings of unrequited love, but I was always trying my best to adjust to her cues.

I'm so frustrated from all of this...I've made it a point to never abandon people, because I've felt this same hurt over and over again. I never thought it would happen again with this close friend too.

For tactical reasons, this is why you should always be friendly with people's significant others as well, even when they are horrible. It reduces drama heavily. It sounds like she had to make that decision, even if it was for #######5 reasons.

And trust me, I can relate to you. I've made the same mistake. My situation was even more dramatic. Despite the fact that I maintain a lot of female friends, most of their boyfriends get jealous and territorial when they are not also my friend. It's silly most of the time, but it happens. Of course, maybe there's a bit of a mirror problem here. The guys that are also awesome people, I happen to be friends with. The guys that are terrible and unhealthy tend to red flag me immediately, and I keep my distance. I can't say whether pretending to like them would be better or worse for the world, but it is what it is.

Ashlar wrote:For tactical reasons, this is why you should always be friendly with people's significant others as well, even when they are horrible. It reduces drama heavily. It sounds like she had to make that decision, even if it was for #######5 reasons.

And trust me, I can relate to you. I've made the same mistake. My situation was even more dramatic. Despite the fact that I maintain a lot of female friends, most of their boyfriends get jealous and territorial when they are not also my friend. It's silly most of the time, but it happens. Of course, maybe there's a bit of a mirror problem here. The guys that are also awesome people, I happen to be friends with. The guys that are terrible and unhealthy tend to red flag me immediately, and I keep my distance. I can't say whether pretending to like them would be better or worse for the world, but it is what it is.

In retrospect, this perspective makes sense. A couple of times, my friend tried to invite me to hang out with her and a couple of her friends I already knew. She would never mention that her boyfriend was also coming.

When I had to leave early during one of our hang-outs, the boyfriend showed up. I stayed for a couple more minutes to say "Hi" to him, but I had to leave. When I left, my friend texted me, asking if I left early because her boyfriend showed up. I told her "No" and said I really had to leave to attend something. She said that her boyfriend had wanted to meet me & get to know me.

I had always found that text strange, but I did think of the possibility that maybe she was trying to get me and her boyfriend to be friends.

To answer your questions:

1. Her perceived indecision on your part is her leaving the door open a smidgeon for a possible reunion. If things don't work out with her current boyfriend (future husband) or whatever, you're a back-up plan of sorts. I'd expect to hear from her, for example, if she's recently gotten a divorce or she wants to get revenge at her boyfriend.

2. She's cutting you out for the time being. It's possible that her boyfriend got tired of her acting chummy with infatuated men and told her knock it off. The possibility of marriage might have also played a role in her decision and subsequent actions.

3. No contact. Find another love interest.

Kabuhi wrote:1. Her perceived indecision on your part is her leaving the door open a smidgeon for a possible reunion. If things don't work out with her current boyfriend (future husband) or whatever, you're a back-up plan of sorts. I'd expect to hear from her, for example, if she's recently gotten a divorce or she wants to get revenge at her boyfriend.

I can see this as a possibility. After all the emotional suffering I've been going through, I've already made up my mind to not let her use me again, if she ever reaches out. My door will always be open for her, but that doesn't mean I'll easily lend her my trust until she really earns it again.

2. She's cutting you out for the time being. It's possible that her boyfriend got tired of her acting chummy with infatuated men and told her knock it off. The possibility of marriage might have also played a role in her decision and subsequent actions.

I also feel this is what happened -- as I said before, everything was fine between us before Thanksgiving Break. I was getting a better handle of not being so clingy with my friend, and she was reaching out to me like she used to when we met.

Things only started getting weird after our Thanksgiving holidays...she was very stressed about finals, graduation, and searching for a job to stay close to her boyfriend. I didn't contact her very much because I wanted to give her space, but when I noticed her actively avoiding me at work & not being able to look me in the eyes, I sensed something was wrong. Near the end of the semester, I sent her a short text asking if everything was okay between us. She texted back that she was stressing over a research paper at the time & she would "explain everything to me on Facebook during the weekend." The "break-up" letter she sent was very lengthy...it seemed like she had planned to write this letter for a while.

Good luck with that situation.

JoePianist wrote:

Kabuhi wrote:1. Her perceived indecision on your part is her leaving the door open a smidgeon for a possible reunion. If things don't work out with her current boyfriend (future husband) or whatever, you're a back-up plan of sorts. I'd expect to hear from her, for example, if she's recently gotten a divorce or she wants to get revenge at her boyfriend.

I can see this as a possibility. After all the emotional suffering I've been going through, I've already made up my mind to not let her use me again, if she ever reaches out. My door will always be open for her, but that doesn't mean I'll easily lend her my trust until she really earns it again.

I'll be honest Joe, it doesn't seem like you've made up your mind at all. It reads to me like if she reaches out to you, you'll let you her use you again just like you always have.