Obsessed with my ex - relationship ended 4 years ago

Moved to Relationship Forum, leaving a link in Living with Mental Illness so you can gain the support of two forums, masquerade, moderatorI am convinced that how i feel is not normal. I am embarrassed and ashamed of how i feel so no one knows that i am still obsessed with him.

Background story.
When i was 18, i started a casual relationship with a man. It wasn't supposed to be serious because he was supposed to be moving overseas for work and we both knew he was going overseas so we both kept it casual. He didn't end up going overseas for work and that's when it turned serious and that's when i let myself fall for him. Once i fell for him. I was madly in love and that's when my obsession started.

He became my first love and he became my first long term relationship. It was a very passionate relationship and we fought alot. When we argued. it was reallly bad but when we made up. it was really good. 2 months before our 5 yr anniversary. He dumped me.

I did see the relationship deteriorating but the more it deteriorated. the more i became obsessed with him and the more i became obsessed with trying to fix our relationship!

We've been broken up for 4 years now and I've had no contact with him since. We do not run in the same social circles so the break was clean as we didn't have mutual friends But.....

I still think about him constantly.

In an unhealthy obsessive way. I am not stalking him or anything. I don't even know where he lives anymore as the last i heard. He has moved.

I haven't move on and i fantasize about still being in a relationship with him. Sometimes, I would even role play by myself like i was still with him. Example, If i am watching something on tv that i know he would like. I would kind of pretend he is sitting next to me watching it with me when i know he isn't or if I had a really bad day. I would sit and talk about my bad day out loud as if he was there listening.

i know this is not normal but i am so embarrassed to tell anyone.

This is the first time i have admitted to this. I want to get help because i don't want to feel this way but i don't know what to do and i am too embarrassed to go tell a psychologist about this. I am sure they'd lock me up in some institution. lol

Cloudz -

Mis thoughts :

Regarding your last comment lol back, but you likely already know therapists deal with relationship issues all the time, including yes, missing someone so much that it is expressed in our dreams and waking life. That's not going to surprise a therapist, especially given that you are fully aware

You know this forum is full of stories from people (myself included) who have been extremely emotional relationships, both UPs and DOWNs, that overall felt toxic, but are hard to let go of. I guess it's because the intensity of a toxic relationship can be addictive. We can tell ourselves it must be real love because if it wasn't, why would we have been so emotionally involved?

However there are also stories from people who eventually let go of their toxic up/down relationship, and sometimes they return to this forum (sometimes months or years later) and write that they are happier then ever and wonder what were they thinking?

No point other then what you already know - to move forward and be happy we all have to let go of the past. Sometimes we can let go in time. Sometimes we can't and need the help of a therapist to move forward.

Its alright you are completely sane and they won't lock you up... hopefully . What your feeling right now is relationship nostalgia and it'll go away when you find a new boyfriend. If you've ever watched the film Forgetting Sarah Marshall, The Five-Year Engagement, its kind of like the same thing that happens. When we lose that emotional support we receive in a relationship after we break up we tend to associate those feelings with your ex. Since he was your first, you associated love with him and you want that feeling again.

My advice would be to accept that he is replaceable. You will have those feelings again once you find someone else. If you would like guys to compliment you start hitting the gym and start weight lifting. Strength training/bodybuilding is scientifically proven to prevent obsessive and compulsive thoughts while exposing you to hundreds of hot and sweaty guys. Whenever I am feeling down about my relationship or lonely I just get on that P90x and thoughts of my ex and problems magically disappear. My point is that you have to forget about him. But then this can only be done if you have someone else and it can be hard to initiate a relationship and I assume that your ex was the person who initiated it in the past. You will have to put yourself out there and learn how to hook up with someone. It may be embarrassing and scary but it'll be worth it and you'll enjoy those feelings again without the aid of an imaginary ex.