Life after toxic relationship, help please.

I have a strong emotional struggle over the past relationship with my ex who psychologically abused me.
I am so confused, and would like some advice here:(

I dated him for four months and the last one month was an intensive abuse,
basically he got furious over the fact that I had had an abortion in the past.
Then he continued with the hurtful words such as I am no worth living, I am a monster that cares nothing but my sex drive, I am the damnest girl in the world...etc.
He told me I have a mental problem and everything I had done in my life means nothing.
I have studied abroad and worked hard to get a scholarship, but all the things meant nothing, he said.
He wasn't happy that I was an outspoken person, saying it is not a preferable personality for a girl, so we had argued a lot.
It didn't take much time before I broke up with him, thankfully, but I still feel guilty about myself.
I know what he said was completely untrue, but I feel like he had destroyed my self-confidence and sometimes I think of myself as the way he described....

I feel like if he apologized that would make me feel better, but it is never going to happen.
When I broke up with him I told him it was because of his abusive attitude, then he offended himself that I only had all the faults for him to point out and he never had any flaw.

I am in therapy for depression for about 5 months,
I started it right after the relationship was over.
I am on medication and have been to counseling several times but not sure it is working well.
Can somebody give me an advice to overcome this pain please???

nekosan -

Sorry to hear this. Of course you are doing the best possible thing now working with a therapist to figure out why his words affected you so much.

I don't personally have any suggestions for you, but yes, it's a sad but true fact that people are capable of really hurting others with words, but I will write this -

It's absolutely impossible to make everyone happy all of the time. It cannot be done. In being true to ourselves it is eventually going to happen that someone somewhere is not going to agree with us, even possibly hate us for believing what we believe, for doing what we needed to do. Nobody else has lived life in your shoes, your unique experiences. Hopefully you will come to see that his abuse was his problem. You have the right to your life and to be happy too.

I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. You definitely didn't deserve it and you don't need to feel guilty for breaking up with him. You did the right thing by protecting yourself.
You are not a monster nor do you have a mental problem. It really sounds like he was your problem.
If you have not already, cut all contact from him. It will help give you the distance you need to heal.
Remember him as both the good and the bad. It seems he started showing his true colors towards the end. It helped me to remember my ex (also abusive) not for the apologies, because he never meant them (he'd go and do it again anyways) but for the things he did.
A person's character is best judged by their actions.
I think you did a very loving thing for yourself by getting yourself out of that situation.
You survived it, and I'm super proud of you.

It will take some time. Actions that affect your self-perception can really hurt
and take time to heal from.
Keep at it. Try different things. It will take a while, but it is possible to heal.
Medicine provides a band-aid, that will make it easier to go through therapy.
For some people, group therapy is best, others, different types of therapy.
Everyone has a different way of healing. You never forget how it felt,
but the pain won't affect your everyday life anymore.
The pain may be overwhelming now, but with time it can become a distant memory.
Just keep at it... you need to send yourself extra love to help yourself heal.

Nekosan, glad you made the right decision to leave. Nobody should be made to feel like this.

I.m not good with advices or words, I was in a similar boat and this was how I dealt with it-
Context: a guy I was trying to pursue but gave up, tried to be friends with, but gave up.
What happened: called me a f*cking retard, a piece of $#%^, misunderstand my words/twisted facts frequently. Said I.m weird.

How I felt: worthless. The emotional blackmail from him made me felt even worse. I find myself thinking about how I could make things right, and I find myself crying over this frequently

How I dealt with it:
1. did what he said make sense? I.m socially awkward, yes, but it's not weird.
2. Did I deserve all these nonsense? Maybe.. BUT more than that, he proved himself to be someone who can't handle his anger issues
3. Is he a good person? I.ve seen his good side and replayed our good times in my mind. BUT the bad things DID HAPPEN and no amount of good memories can sooth the effects that his bad behaviour had on me
--------
At the end of the day, recognize that the guy is just another passerby in your life. First and foremost, you have yourself to answer to.

Stay strong.

I don't know if any one of you still sees this page, but thank you for your warm messages, xdude, brokenmirror, and 22avenue.
I feel much better now I got a job and moved, feeling I started a new life. But in this two years after I broke up with this guy, I never had an actual relationship with anybody. I feel difficult to trust and not confident to be happy:( Is it a normal reaction after such a messy breakup and abusive relationship? I even feel I'm still hung up on this abusive man. And I know it's such a waste! If anyone can give me an advice how to feel happier after this kinda situation, I would really appreciate it!!

nekosan,

Abusive people are empty inside so they fill that void by trying to feel empowered by tearing others down. The happiness part, you must choose it, you, again.

I think time is the best healer and you might need to tell yourself, daily, that you're a good, worthy person. Affirm yourself.

Also, I hope your meds were never a long term idea, and only a short term modality. I hope you know fully the withdraw reactions from them and don't use them as a crutch. Remember to eat well, drink lots of water, and get some exercise.

Psychiatry is, in my opinion, largely a racket.

So it’s been 3 years... I stopped medication two years ago, as I became able to sleep without it. I fell in love with another person and that abusive jerk I talked above is nothing in my life any more. The thing is, it did not work out with this new person. So that’s another reason for me to cause a depression.
My friends support me, but do not understand why I am so obsessed with him since it happened 6 month ago and we only had few dates.
I constantly look at his social media profile and cry over the fact that he does not want me.
I exercise regularly, eat a normal amount, drink a lot of water. However I feel so empty inside.
Because he does not want me, he seems even more valuable to me somehow.
He is generally a nice guy, unlike the jerk boyfriend in my past. I tried to meet new guys, but they do not appear as good as this man.
How can I get over it? I feel like I’m dragging this for unnecessarily a long time

nekosan wrote:The thing is, it did not work out with this new person. So that’s another reason for me to cause a depression. He is generally a nice guy, unlike the jerk boyfriend in my past.

Hi! I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you would have liked, but he was just one guy. It doesn't matter how great he seemed if the attraction wasn't mutual. Mutual attraction can be tricky and I think almost everyone has been hurt at one time or another. I can see why his lack of interest would be disappointing, but it shouldn't be triggering a depressive episode.

nekosan wrote: I tried to meet new guys, but they do not appear as good as this man.

The thing is you don't know how good this guy really was as you only went on a few dates with him. You are likely building him up in your mind to be something that he could have never lived up to IRL. Give other guys a chance as may surprise you.

nekosan wrote:How can I get over it? I feel like I’m dragging this for unnecessarily a long time

Yeah, if you had been dating him a log time I could see it taking 6 months or longer to be able to put that relationship behind you but it should have been easier for you. So you said you were off meds for two years. How was you mood during this time? Was your diagnosis just depression? Do you remember what medication(s) you were on? Most people diagnosed with depression can go off their medications in a couple of years and not relapse, but not all.

Also block this guy's social media now! Its not that he is a bad guy, just that having a connection to him is hurting you and preventing you from moving forward. And keep looking to meet new people. It may take some effort but you will find someone who will stick with you and that you will fall for. And stay with your exercising. It helps the mind as well as the body.

Hi Shattered Mind, thank you for your reply.
I understand what you wrote overall. Like building up an ideal person for him, I also think so.
Actually we work in different office of the same company, so I do not think I can cut off all the connections with him. I went on some dates with different guys but I always compared them with him and keep imagining what could have been. By the time I go home, I’m always in tears thinking I was not good for this guy.

About the meds, I don’t remember the names. I took antidepressants for a year during 2013-2014. Then I started my job, and when I changed to a new one in 2016, I was very anxious and could not sleep, so took sleeping pills for a year. I got used to my new work and decided I do not need sleeping pills so stopped in May 2017. When I was taking these pills I talked to a psychiatrist that I may be depressed but she kep denying, it’s juts sleeping disorder.