8 year relationship and I'm lost...please help

Hi, I had posted this is in another website/forum but I'm hoping someone would be kind enough to take the time to read this and maybe give me some insight...

So I have a concern with my fiancée whom I’ve been with over 7+ years. We have had a lot of ups and downs in our relationship especially in the past 3 years.

I guess some background is that I am older than her by 4 years (I’m in my late 20s) and I’m already situated in my career while she is currently in medical school (just started) and she has like 8+ years to go.

We had our struggles when she first went away for college which created a long distance relationship. Then after 2 years of being long distance, I decided to transfer my job and move in with her. This is where things got bad; she had trust issues and was always complaining why I worked so much. I would even call her from my work to prove that I was still there. And yes at this point, I think most people would have left. Though it took about 11 months and insane amount of fighting for me to get up and leave. It was hard, but we ended up seeing each other about a month to talk and we decided to try to take things slowly if we could work it out.

I ended up finding a job back to where I was from so I moved back and it created the long distance again. We did this for about a year but surprisingly we were able to resolve our issues and problems. So about 9 months ago, when things were actually great and I felt we were able to communicate better, I proposed to her. Things were going well but she got into medical school and of course I can’t hold her back from her career. It’s her dream to be a doctor since she was little.

I have been fortunate to be able to transfer my job to be near her so that we can go through this together. But it doesn’t stop there; we have no control of where she may go through residency (in 4 years) and so forth. We are looking at moving at least 2 or more times in the next 10 years and it could be anywhere in the United States.

I realize I do love her and we both have made certain sacrifices for one another but I have so much doubt and hesitation. My friends and family have all been extremely supportive and express their only concerns are my happiness. My hesitation was because we had issues before and yes we are improving but certain things have not improved.

A major thing that I have issues is how we fight. This girl fights dirty...I mean she will find the most hurtful, gut wrenching, steam blowing comments and words you would have never imagined but she does it. What has improved from this is the frequency (we fight a lot less now) but the actual depth of our fight is still her being hurtful with words and emotions. I sit there and basically tell her to calm down and I listen. From time to time, she is able to apologize without me bringing up how hurtful she is. But at times, she doesn’t realize how angry she was.

There are other issues as well from her competiveness, and how she feels that I care about my friends and family so much. I honestly see my friends maybe once or twice a month if that. And she always believes I pick sides with my family but the past 2-3 years I have been pushing away my family to be on her side. My dad even understood and said it’s hard for a man to be in between but as long as I was happy. Honestly I never bring anything up about my family and friends so that no issues can ever arise with my fiancée.

Recently we had a huge fight about me coming over there. I have been stalling, with my job understanding my situation they have allowed me to move whenever I’m ready. She has her valid reasons as why am I not there with her when I told her I would be. The worst part is every time we fight and it seems we’re about to break up, I end up doing everything I can to save it and hang on to her. It is every single time when we fight; I am always the one fighting to hang on to make it work and stick together. I don’t understand why I see the problems that keep occurring but every time I am fighting to make it work. And of course we apologize, and she is sweet and great again. Yet I keep thinking this will work, always this time it can and will.

I’m starting to read so many forums, blogs, and articles about emotional disorders and I’m starting to think I have codependency disorder and she has BPD. I know this is very presumptuous but we I fit basically every description of a codependent while she is very align as someone who has BPD. Further I understand we both need professional help to be properly diagnosed.

Am I just over analyzing here? Why is it when she is ready to let go and tells me to be happy…I can’t let go?

cdd -

Many thoughts but a few of them stand out :

You're both in that time of your life where there can be conflicts between choosing career paths versus relationship paths.

The choice to marry is stressful for many people.

We can't diagnose her, but some of what you wrote is concerning. People with that disorder (BPD) often have very conflicted push/pull feelings in relationships.

You of course need to decide for yourself if this is going to work out. It does take two people to make a relationship work. It sounds like you are the one putting in most of the effort to try and get past the issues. If so increasingly you are going to burn out trying.

xdude wrote:cdd -

Many thoughts but a few of them stand out :

You're both in that time of your life where there can be conflicts between choosing career paths versus relationship paths.

The choice to marry is stressful for many people.

We can't diagnose her, but some of what you wrote is concerning. People with that disorder (BPD) often have very conflicted push/pull feelings in relationships.

You of course need to decide for yourself if this is going to work out. It does take two people to make a relationship work. It sounds like you are the one putting in most of the effort to try and get past the issues. If so increasingly you are going to burn out trying.

Thank you for responding and I really appreciate it. I started to feel no one would read my long post...I know I shouldn't be dependent of online forums but I actually went over to where she is staying for med school so that we could try to work this out. I don't know anyone here and she is so consumed with her school that this was a nice outlet for me. (I'm not actually permenantly here, I am just staying a few weeks to ease the tension between us...final decision to move hasn't been made yet)

I'm staying with her to really give this a chance and again I see its me who's putting in a lot of effort. Unfortunately the topic of couples counseling or any form of therapy has been shot down. Her academics is overwhelming and I have seen it personally where she is a perfectionist. She has not received anything less than of an "A" on all her exams so far in med school. Because she studies all day and literally sleeps 3-5 hours a night, where can she ever fit time for therapy. She is barely able to fit in 5-10 minutes to talk to me on a given day.

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me and why am I allowing this to happen...yet when I see her cry and sad, I just want to be there for her as I always have in the past 8 years. I do want to thank you again though since you pointed out many issues that I need to realize is my reality especially how exhausting and likely burnt out I will be.

You are welcome.

Don't know about the BPD matter as we can't diagnose. What does seem to be true though is that people with cluster B disorders including BPD often have emotionally difficult relationships. A key problem is that often they are conflicted and both want someone who supports them (you sound supportive), but at the same time (for complex reasons) push-away/test those who care about them.

Sorry I have no advice, but you do sound like someone who a lot of women would appreciate the effort you are making to make it work.