Relationship recovery

Hi

Please don't judge me from this thread. I admit I was in the wrong and am truly sorry.

October 2012 I cheated on my wife. Not sexually but by texting another women (the wife's friend). We got caught texting and it all got nasty.

A year down the line and she's taking to her friend again. Things seem to be progressing, however since March 2013 my wife hasn't so much as held my hand, let alone anything else. She won't talk to me when we are sober. If we've been drinking and I bring the subject up she goes off her head. Telling me that when she found out last year she felt she had to 'try' and keep me. Then she said she realised it should be the other way round And says some nasty things too. I've tried explaining that by not having any kind of intimacy between us (I'm not just talking sex) she is driving a wedge between us. I feel so distant from her. I can feel myself getting more and more bitter. I'm not even sure the love is there anymore!

To make it more complicated we have 3 children. My sister has recently been told she has terminal cancer with 6-12 months to live. I can't leave my wife at the moment cause that is more pressure and stress on my parents and my kids.

Problem is I am really feeling the stress and pressure being stuck in this relationship!

Really not sure what's going on or what I should do!

Confused -

Sorry I've got no great advice other then the obvious -

Make sure you are communicating you are sorry without blaming. There may be issues that need to be discussed too, but need to be dealt with after/if she forgives you.

You can't make her feel differently, but you can clearly communicate how you feel.

If you two are unable to work out between you two, and if possible, a 3rd party couples counselor can sometimes help.

Confused77 wrote:Telling me that when she found out last year she felt she had to 'try' and keep me. Then she said she realised it should be the other way round And says some nasty things too.

Wow, what went through your mind when she said that?

My thinking regarding marriage is that neither husband or wife should have to try to keep the other. When you marry, you pledge to be there for one another through thick and thin. Having to try keep the other person around is something that should have been discarded the moment one's vows were made. That statement doesn't reflect well on your wife's character in my eyes and is a major red flag toward how she views you and how she views marriage in general.

Confused77 wrote:Really not sure what's going on or what I should do!

I think acknowledgement of your misdeeds and apology is okay, just not to the point that you're demonstrably embarrassing yourself. Perhaps she does deserve an apology, but I doubt she is deserving of self-flagellation on your part. You should always retain a level of dignity, while refraining from being overly conciliatory I believe.

I also think it's appropriate for you to visit your sister and that would be my course of action, but I can certainly understand that you're feeling insecure with your marriage and your being afraid to leave. My view is that if that contributes to her cheating or filing for divorce, then the marriage was most likely done anyway.

If I may ask, what was the marriage like before the text-fling with your wife's friend compared to how it is now?

Thanks for your replies.

It is really strange. Our marriage before the 'fling' is pretty muck how it is now. We went through the stage of her and I really making a go. But now...she'll go to bed about 7pm. I'll stay up till
Midnight. We don't talk about stuff. She get irritated by me. She doesn't want to hear anything I have to say.

This is all what happened before the texts. But a bit more magnified now. At this moment in time, if the wife's friend turned round and said come with me, then I would. I feel bad for saying that but the place I am at the moment......

I know I betrayed the wife and I am so sorry and apologetic. I really do mean it by the bottom of my heart. But not getting anything back gets quite hard work after a year. Like I said I feel bad cause I was the one in the wrong!

That last post is important because your initial post made it seem like all of this started after the affair, but your most recent post suggests that your marriage has been going through the death stages even since before the affair happened. Thus all of her behavior can't solely be written off as her being hurt by the affair. Her problems extend far greater than that.

How long have you been married? Also I hope you aren't offended by my asking but, by any chance, do you regret marrying her in the first place?

We've been married fora little over 14 years.

to say i regret marrying her is difficult thing to answer. I have 3 wonderful kids whom i'd do anything for.

Was I too young (21) yes.

Did I rush into it, yes.

Was it the right thing to do, at the time it felt like it.

I hate regretting things i have done. They are in the past, nothing i can do about it. choices i have made have led me to this point in time.

Do I care for her, yes.

Do I love her......I'm not sure. I thought we were living completely separate lives until the affair. afterwards, when i saw how much i hurt her it ripped me to shreds inside. I felt like i really loved her and i completely ruined my life.

however, now I feel i dont love her, i mean i care for her, i hate to think anything i do would upset her.....

I dont know im so confused!!