How do I help him move on?

[This thread doesn't obviously involve anyone with an identified personality disorder or mental condition, so I'm moving it to Relationships, with a shadow thread left in SOF&F - mod Orion]

So I'm trying to figure out how to fix a situation I'm dealing with. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 4 years, and before that we were friends. So he knows that before him, I dated mostly black men. I even said before that my type was black men. Now, we are together and he cannot forget that I said this. (My boyfriend is white) It doesn't help, but one time I cheated by kissing another man who was black. Through it all, I love my boyfriend. I want to marry him. He wants to be with me too, but I need help trying to figure out how I can help him move past what I've done and said in the past. He doesn't know how to fix it either. What can I do to help him realize that my preferences have changed and that I am attracted to him and only want him? Thanks

angie -

A couple of questions just to get a clearer picture.

How often does this aspect of your past come up?

Under what conditions does it come up?

angie


One thing I always tell myself and others is that every great life has had in it a great renunciation. What I mean by this is in order to get to the next stage of your life, you have to change everything. You have to change the person you used to be, the things you used to like, and give up what you don't need. When you are able to do this, you will be ready to take the next step.
So the questions you will have to answer to yourself will be:
1) Am I ready to settle down with one man for the rest of my life?
2) Am I ready to change my life-style completely to something I've never tried before?
3) Am I ready for the responsibility of children? (if you want children)
4) Am I ready to give up dating?
5) Have I found out enough about myself to know who I am?

Marriage is a big step, and you need to understand that once you do marry someone, you are taking the next step in your life. You will need to answer all these questions and more that you yourself might have about your life. Please think carefully.

I could be off the mark, but I get the impression that you really haven't outlined the problem for us in full detail. My suspicion is that you used statements in the past that you prefer black men as a way to hurt him and to imply that he wasn't adequate. If that's the case, then the problem may not be your "preferences" but rather a lack of trust. I know you probably received some satisfaction from doing so, but men typically don't enjoy being attacked, especially by those who are supposed to be closest to them. If this is a favorite pastime of yours, then any experienced animosity towards you seems to be a fully natural consequence of your actions.

Now if I didn't make it thoroughly clear, I'll reiterate my main point. The major issue I'm speculating isn't that you're attracted to black men and have fooled around with black men in the past. The issue would be that you're manipulative and consequently untrustworthy. If this is the issue, the natural solution therefore is not to be manipulative and consequently more worthy of trust. I don't know if any of this is hitting home.

When were you telling him that you prefer Black men? When you were just friends, or after you became involved.

If the ONLY time you told him was when you were just friends, then it's easier to accept that you've expanded your tastes. If you've been saying that while you're a couple, then it's insulting.

I knew that my H "liked blonds" before we were together. I'm a brunette. However, once we were together, he hasn't said anything about blonds. He may still "prefer blonds", but at least I'm not hearing it.

I do think the fact that you cheated on him is an issue whether or not the man was Black. You're going to have trust issues.

From my personal experience most people I know, and myself included, are careful about talking about their past romantic/sexual relationships with their current romantic/sexual relationship partner. Discussing past relationships is one of those 'grey' areas where people may find that they can talk about them with friends, but when it comes to their lover, doing so can trigger feelings of insecurity, wondering why is the past coming up, etc.

It's why I was also curious about how often the matter is coming up and what triggers it to come up. Is it a matter that he brings up? If so in what context?

That written, it is easy to be aware of others faults and insecurities; it's our awareness of our own faults and insecurities that is hard to face.

My ex used to prefer blondes- all his previous girls were blonde. I have black hair but I thought he liked me for my personality until I caught him cheating with several beautiful blondes. It broke me. I know now that I will never be pretty enough for any man to love.

So maybe it isn't the fact of what you preferred before, but rather the cheating that created his insecurity about this issue. I suggest seeking professional help even if you think it is trivial- since something my ex thought didn't even matter, led to us breaking up and now I hate myself so much no one could ever love me again.

Thexena -

That's really ugh to read that you feel that way about yourself though you are in good company. It's not true that that we are unlovable, but many of us (myself included) have felt unlovable after a relationship that went bad, one in which we put too much of our own sense of self into another person's hands that didn't deserve it.

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Generally I believe everyone has some insecurities to varying degrees. How we handle them can vary from being aware/acceptance, to covering them up, to despising ourselves (and others) for them, and more.

To make a very broad generalization - It does seem to me that the most secure people have nothing to prove, while often those with the greatest insecurities often spend a lot of time proving/re-proving it.

Also to make a broad generalization, as much as I enjoy comedy, I'm very aware that some comedians get a laugh at their own expense, while others focus most of their skit on getting at laugh at other people's expense. Of the two types, I think of the former as the more secure, because it is much harder for most of us to laugh at ourselves.

Likewise it is relatively easy to be aware of other people's insecurities, but harder to acknowledge our own. Relationships often go bad over "insecurities" but often too they go bad not because one partner is more secure, but because one partner is less empathetic. If the situation was reversed, the shoes on the other feet, often those who really believe they are secure are just as easily (if not more easily) triggered.