Two issues I struggle with...

So, I'm a 24 year old guy, never dated, never been in a relationship, never done anything with a girl. I seem to have two issues that I struggle with, in this regard, though they're not necessarily related.

The first is simply that I almost never find myself feeling personally attracted to girls. I can count on one hand the number of girls I've ever actually been attracted enough to, to want to pursue. Now before anyone asks this question, yes, I'm sure I'm straight. This seems to be a common question when people hear this. But no, I'm attracted to the idea of being with a woman, in general.

Over the last eight or so years, I've met tons of different girls, and for the most part, they've been pleasant, and I've been friendly to them, but there have only been a very tiny handful I felt a personal attraction to on a more-than-friends level. And of course, those few girls were not interested in me that way, so nothing panned out. As far as I could tell, I've never had a girl express interest in dating me, either; it's always been mutual friendship.

I don't really consider myself "picky"; it's not like I have some checklist in my head of very specific things a girl HAS to have, or anything like that. I'm generally pretty open-minded, and I'm really just looking at how well I get along with any particular girl, as far as attraction goes. I just never "feel" it. That's very frustrating, to me, because I WANT to date, I want to be with someone, but if I rarely ever feel personally attracted to a girl, none of that will ever happen. I don't understand what's wrong with me, in this regard.

The other issue is simply that it's getting harder and harder for me to not think about how alone I am, and how there's "nothing on the horizon" for me, in terms of dating. For a few years, I was at a pretty good place, I had made peace with the fact that I was alone, and that meeting someone and being with them just wasn't going to happen any time soon. While I was in this "place", I really wasn't thinking much about this stuff, I was okay, I was just going about my business and pushing forward with my life as best I could.

But last year, I met an amazing girl, we hit it off so well, everything was going great. She made me laugh, she made me think, she made me feel things I've never felt before. I was more attracted to her than anyone I've ever met before, and I really thought there was something there. Unfortunately, she didn't want to be with me. I still know her (not by choice), and the last 12-14 months have been difficult, having to watch her date and lust after other guys, knowing I could never be with her.

Ever since I developed feelings for this girl, I just can't stop thinking about how I have no one in my life, I can't find anyone, I don't get to experience that, I don't get to know what it's like to be in a happy, healthy relationship with someone. I want all of that so badly, and I can't push these feelings away, I can't get back to the "place" I was in before, where I wasn't thinking about it at all. And thinking about it as much as I do just bums me out and makes me sad.

I can relate to a part of this. I'm almost never limerent. I'm 28 and can count the number of "romantically" attractive women I've met... and it's closer to 10 or so. And while some women have expressed interest in me, it has never struck me at the right time. I've tried just hanging out with lots of interesting women as friends as a sort of bridge to see if I could develop feelings like that, but it just doesn't happen. I sometimes feel like I missed the boat, because I specifically rejected women and sex at an early age and developed a complex in that direction. I practically get a high from turning people down. My issues root into some childhood experiences. I'm everyone's best friend, but nobodies romantic partner. I also pick out flaws with people a lot more than I should, and have some complexities about not really being willing to tolerate a lot of common behaviors.

What I don't relate to is the alone-ness and regret. I sort of feel like I'm just fine on my own. I'm not one of those people that's crawling around thinking I have to be attached to someone. I manage my own affairs, isolate myself from society to some degree, and like myself as a person.

I also find it oddly easy to develop platonic friendly and familial feelings for people. It's definitely odd. I want all the best friends, comrades, brothers and sisters in arms, siblings, and students... but affection and romance feel like they invade my privacy and person-hood. I relate a lot of the fears to possibly being schizoid, or at least having a lot of the traits.

Maybe you could sit down and spend some time in thought, asking yourself what you want in life? You say you feel alone - are you lonely because you're not in a relationship and would like to be, or is it because you feel that your life could be fuller? Do you feel lonely because you feel that you don't know who you are, and haven't yet developed a comfortable relationship with yourself? Do you want more platonic relationships with some females, without necessarily having a full on relationship with them.? Do you perhaps have an idealized image of what the perfect relationship might be, finding that most women fall short of your idealized standards? Do you feel that you don't particularly actually want a relationship, but are under pressure to conform to society's "expectations" that you "should" be in a relationship, because it's expected of you?

Speaking to a therapist about all the points above might help you to make some sense of your feelings. Remember, there are no rules that say a person "should" be in a relationship, and it doesn't necessarily indicate pathology of any kind if they choose not to be.

I'm going to spam this with my experience and maybe you can relate:

I never had a boyfriend until I was 22 and I thought I was fine with it, in fact, I accepted that I would be alone for the rest of my life. But then I fell seriously in love and we had a 4 year long relationship. He left me three or four months back and I was crushed. Now I have that same emptiness and loneliness that you describe and I cannot imagine not having someone in my life and living my life alone - It hurts so much just THINKING about it! I don't know what idiot said "'Tis better to have loved and lost..." Because honestly - I think I was better off not knowing how empty my life was than now - feeling so hopeless, alone and empty.

Sorry for ranting on your post but I just thought you'd like to know you are not alone in feeling worse off now that you know what you are missing...

Good Luck and stay strong!

masquerade wrote:Do you feel that you don't particularly actually want a relationship, but are under pressure to conform to society's "expectations" that you "should" be in a relationship, because it's expected of you?

Remember, there are no rules that say a person "should" be in a relationship, and it doesn't necessarily indicate pathology of any kind if they choose not to be.

Not at all, no. Regardless of what everyone else was doing, at an early age, I always knew I wanted to eventually be involved in a happy, healthy, loving relationship some day. Let's be honest, everyone WANTS to feel desired, wanted by another person, everyone wants to feel attractive. So, for me to go this long without experiencing anything like that, it's hard to feel "good" about myself. Why should I? Clearly, I'm undesirable, unwanted, unattractive.

For the most part, the rest of my life is fine, on the right track. Granted, my social life is almost nonexistent, but that's another issue I'm trying to work on (albeit, unsuccessfully so far). Other than that, I'm really not particularly unhappy with any other aspects of my life. It just bums me out to feel so unattractive and unwanted, both platonically and romantically. I want to have friends, I want to have an awesome girl in my life, but the last several years have worn me down so much that I just question whether any of that is even possible for me anymore, and that bums me out quite a bit. :/

I'm so glad I found this message board. I can relate to so much of this thread. I'd like to post more but I have to get my pc up and running. I hate posting from my phone. Good stuff everyone.

You said

Not at all, no. Regardless of what everyone else was doing, at an early age, I always knew I wanted to eventually be involved in a happy, healthy, loving relationship some day. Let's be honest, everyone WANTS to feel desired, wanted by another person, everyone wants to feel attractive. So, for me to go this long without experiencing anything like that, it's hard to feel "good" about myself. Why should I? Clearly, I'm undesirable, unwanted, unattractive.

It's a part of human nature and natural to want to be part of a loving relationship. It sounds as if your self esteem is very low and that the fact that you're not in a relationship is further affecting your self esteem, causing a viscous circle. The more you long for a relationship and find that it's not happening, the more your self esteem suffers. The problem can be that this can create a self fulfilling belief.

For the most part, the rest of my life is fine, on the right track. Granted, my social life is almost nonexistent, but that's another issue I'm trying to work on (albeit, unsuccessfully so far). Other than that, I'm really not particularly unhappy with any other aspects of my life. It just bums me out to feel so unattractive and unwanted, both platonically and romantically. I want to have friends, I want to have an awesome girl in my life, but the last several years have worn me down so much that I just question whether any of that is even possible for me anymore, and that bums me out quite a bit. :/

Perhaps a way out of this cycle is to initially work upon your self esteem, perhaps putting thoughts of a relationship on the back burner, just for now. Perhaps you could devote your time to do everything you can to build up your self esteem - therapy, assertiveness training, finding interests that you really enjoy and can immerse yourself in, pampering yourself, building up a wardrobe of clothes that make you feel good, having a male makeover such as a new haircut etc. Spend this time having a loving relationship with YOURSELF. As your self esteem increases, it's likely that you will draw and attract more people into your life, of both genders, and broaden your social circle. By doing this, you should begin to feel good about yourself, which is always attractive to others. The first step you could possibly take in order to work on yourself could be to make a determined effort NEVER to speak about yourself, or to yourself, negatively. Never say anything about yourself or to yourself that you wouldn't say to a friend or accept from a friend. Work upon the things that are POSITIVE about yourself, no matter how small they may seem.

As your attitude begins to change and your confidence grows, you should find yourself in a better position to initiate possible relationships, whether you meet them socially or through dating sites, and you will also be in a better position to cope with rejection too, which happens to us all from time to time, and not allow it to affect yourself esteem. Maybe a shift will occur in which you can draw upon positive feelings about yourself from WITHIN, and not from external sources.

I've struggled with some of the same issues regarding women and Im learning to get results i want heres how. First if you are interested in a woman let her know asap! Dont fall into the friend trap of thinking that just hanging around her somehow she will find out you like her and reward you with sex, it only happens in movies not In: real life! You want women as sexual partner only and if she wants a friend tell her to get a dog and get the hell away from her! It will only erode your esteem and confidence if you continue to pursue this woman , then she will call some other hard leg to sex her. But dont get me wrong yes you can have women friends but only if you arent attracted.to fhem.
All you need to know is in a book called SPAMMING LINK REMOVED BY MODERATOR AS PER FORUM RULES
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Redlee, aftrer removing your spamming link I read your post

I've struggled with some of the same issues regarding women and Im learning to get results i want heres how. First if you are interested in a woman let her know asap! Dont fall into the friend trap of thinking that just hanging around her somehow she will find out you like her and reward you with sex, it only happens in movies not In: real life! You want women as sexual partner only and if she wants a friend tell her to get a dog and get the hell away from her! It will only erode your esteem and confidence if you continue to pursue this woman , then she will call some other hard leg to sex her. But dont get me wrong yes you can have women friends but only if you arent attracted.to fhem.
All you need to know is in a boo

OP, if you want to attract a woman who you can have a loving relationship with, a woman who respects herself enough not to allow herself to become objectified, a woman who you can be both a friend and a lover to, a woman who will love you just as you are, then I strongly advise you to disregard Redlee's advice.

I actually think no meaningful relationship can evolve without a strong foundation of friendship. Michael Bolton song as reference: "How can we be lovers if we can't be friends? How can we start over when the fighting never ends? How can we make love if we can't make amends? How can we be lovers if we can't be fiends?"

I often hear people who have been married for a long time state: "She is my best friend and I am hers - that is the only way to have a meaningful relationship"

But if you are looking for a shallow, short term fling, then by all means - just go for sex and hope she falls in love with you before you fall in love with her or before she gets pregnant and you have to pay alimony for a child you never see or a woman you never even loved.