I cry everyday, i dont know what to do...

Hi,

I dont really know which topic to post my problem. But since it is relating to a guy, so I thought it would be under relationships.

I am a 24 year old girl. I use to have this realy close guy friend. He and I were very close and use to talk from morning to night and from night till dawn. Over time, I fell in love with him and I decided to tell him because I knew he never loved me and i wanted to end our friendship and thought that the only way i could move on was to tell him how i felt. I thought that will relief the burden. However, when i told him, he said he didnt like me and he is schocked that I do and that he always treated me as a friend. But, then he kissed me and we ended up kissing for over a week. and then suddenly he said no and said this had to stop. Unfortunately, I cant seem to get over him. I love him so much. Everyday I cry and wish i could hear his voice again. He has turned very cold towards me. Every song or thing that i hear or see, tends to remind me of him. I try everyday to pretend in front of my friends that i am happy but inside i am just dying. I sometimes want to just end my life but then i think of all my family members that love me and i dont. I have started smoking as that seems to help me control my emotions. It has been more than three months since this has happened. But everyday i still cry. I cant seem to get over him. I dont know what to do. my frens have said to think of his bad points but i think of them and them i think of all his good qualities and start crying. I am just so confused. I have never felt this way for any guy before.

I have had boyfriends before and guys that i have had crushs on. They were all very nice guys. But, after a day or two I would be over it and move on. I was a were strong person at heart. But this guy has just crushed me and broken me. I am confused. All the things I use to love to do and that use to make me happy. Dont make me happy anymore. I feel so lonely in this world. I really dont know what to do.... I dont even know why I am typing this here on the forum....

-CrushedAngel-

Dear Crushedangel,

Life sounds hard at the moment. It sounds as though you are actually going through a grief reaction. You have lost a friend, someone who was very close to you and it feels like a death, as if they are gone forever.

Its hard to deal with. Smoking and trying to hate the person you've lost however, is not the way to deal with it. Try to be gentle with yourself. Do the things that make you feel good, try to fit in some exercise (endorphins do good things to the brain), keep up hobbies you normally enjoy, talk to your friends about your feelings of loss, try keeping a journal. It will take time, but eventually, I promise it will feel a little less bad. When you lose someone it does hurt, and you do cry, and you do feel bad. Its natural.

But try looking at it from your friend's perspective as well. He's probably feeling upset too. If you were close, then you were important to him as well, and he's lost you for a reason that he can't do anything about.

It sounds as if your friend is a little confused about his feelings.

It may be that he sincerely only wants to be your friend, but he was scared of losing that friendship. Perhaps, when he kissed you he was trying out his feelings, to see if he felt something more than friendship. Its hard to know that you're going to lose a friendship (which is what usually seems to happen when romantic feelings are unreciprocated) without trying to salvage it somehow. Maybe those kisses were his way of attempting to salvage something. But if there was no real feeling behind them, he is probably now feeling very guilty, which would explain why he is avoiding you. If he's a nice guy (which we will assume he is, as he has been your friend for so long) he'll be feeling really bad about it. You may be able to rescue the friendship, but it will probably take time and a little cooling off period, and it will probably never go back to where it was.

There is often some element of sexual attraction in a friendship. People get on better with those who attract them, and sexuality is a part of that attraction. Your friend may very well have felt that attraction, but not ever have thought of you as girlfriend material. He may like you as a friend, but simply not find you compatible as a partner.

None of that however, excuses what he did. If he has no romantic feelings for you (and it sounds as though he doesn't) he shouldn't have kissed you, even to try to persuade himself into appropriate feelings.

It sounds though, as if you need to think a little more deeply about your motives. You say you know he never loved you, but were you secretly hoping that once you told him how you felt he'd confess that he felt the same way? Did you really want to end your friendship? Unrequited love can be a pretty powerful self deluding state.

That being said however, you have ended your friendship. Its pretty much gone (at least for now) and you will probably do best by sending him a note (post or e-mail, don't get into a conversation with him, it'll just upset you and make him want to back off even more) saying that you are sorry that your friendship has ended, that his behaviour upset and confused you, and asking if at some point in the future you might be able to resume your friendship. Don't tell him that you love him. You've told him that. Don't ask him to apologise, if he's going to , he's going to. He may be too embarassed. He may just not be a very nice guy, but lets give him the benefit of the doubt.

After that, its up to him to contact you. He may not ever do that and you may have to cope with that. Hopefully, he's missing the friendship as much as you are and wants to start anew. But you can't guarantee it. The best you can do is try to approach him with dignity and to look after yourself.

Most people figure there isn't just one Mr Right out there. I know its a cliche, but cliche's are often true: You're young and your heart will mend.

Hope this was some help. I really hope you feel better soon. But seriously, quit the smoking. No guy is worth getting cancer for.

thefatman... that was an incredible post. i don't think i could've said it better.