"friends with benefits" thing going out of hand

Two weeks ago me and a friends went to my place to simply watch a movie together. For a quick background, it's been a few years since I met her, we really understand each other, we support each other in any way we can when the time comes.

So basically after the first 20 minutes of the movie, she kisses me for no reason, I play along, and the thing ended a few hours later in bed. Same thing happened last weekend. When we hang out during the week we behave as we usually do.

So here's the hole I fell into and can't get out: I often miss her, I think about her more often than I'd like to. I always want to hear her voice, and I always feel unsettled, anywhere I go. I'm starting to care about her more than I should, and that's not all. I know I could just tell her and maybe it'll workout, but here's the thing. She's into girls as well, and she spends some time with her ex girlfriend as well, so it's really uncomfortable for me, because of the way I feel right now.

I recently broke free of the "ex girlfriend curse", I'm feeling good, I was at least. Now it's like it all started again. I want her, but I can't have her the way I'd want to. How do you deal with this kind of thing, I'm letting myself get involved like this again, and it just gets worse day by day.

Tell her how you feel. She will either let go of the girlfriend or ask you if its cool to bring her in. Or she will drop you. Been here before and you won't lose either way. If you stay quiet then you will keep feeling the way you are.

Alxv1 -

It is fine to be someone who can't just have sex, who becomes emotionally involved. It is also fine that you are someone who wants to be in an exclusive relationship. Being honest with ourselves about how we really feel about sex/relationships is essential.

I agree with the advice to talk to her, but also it may be that you already know (or believe) that she will react in the negative to exclusivity. It could be if you raise the issue that will be the end of the sex, but who knows maybe not. Do you think it would be the end of the friendship though? Many people find it hard to remain 'just friends' once they've become physically involved, but the situation you are in now is likely to just increasingly torment you if you continue and say/do nothing to change it.

Brassmonkey wrote:Tell her how you feel. She will either let go of the girlfriend or ask you if its cool to bring her in. Or she will drop you. Been here before and you won't lose either way. If you stay quiet then you will keep feeling the way you are.

Yes I know, I'm looking for a way out, but I don't want to make a drama out of it, I don't want to say something like "Okay, goodbye then" is she says to me "We can't have that"..

xdude wrote:Alxv1 -

It is fine to be someone who can't just have sex, who becomes emotionally involved. It is also fine that you are someone who wants to be in an exclusive relationship. Being honest with ourselves about how we really feel about sex/relationships is essential.

I agree with the advice to talk to her, but also it may be that you already know (or believe) that she will react in the negative to exclusivity. It could be if you raise the issue that will be the end of the sex, but who knows maybe not. Do you think it would be the end of the friendship though? Many people find it hard to remain 'just friends' once they've become physically involved, but the situation you are in now is likely to just increasingly torment you if you continue and say/do nothing to change it.

Indeed, our friendship is strong, weird but strong. I don't think it would end even if things went badly, but you never know.. We haven't seen each other in 4 days and I just texted her a few minutes ago "I miss the sound of your voice.. " and she replied " .. I miss the heat of your body..". As you can see I'm not really able to understand if she's into me just for the sex, or if she might feel something more as well. I need to hang on a little more maybe, to understand better, if I just tell her all those things now just like that, there's a high chance she won't even talk to me for some time, or worse.. Oh man, I feel like I'm 15 again hahah

It's called being possessive and selfish and greedy. Things we should strive to let go of. If you have someone eager to share their body and affections with you should count yourself extradinarily lucky, not seek to have more. Take what's offered and be thankful. You'll need to spend some time thinking about yourself and come to see that this is what's going on. And to give you a glimpse of your future if you can't be content is she'll simply not have sex with, or spend time with you anymore when you try to make her give in to your irrational expectations.

If people aren't emotionally mature to begin with, casual sex is a really bad idea. Typical paradigm assumes monogamy so casual sex is always going to involve possessiveness and jealousy. So finding people who've worked through the paradigm and adopted a new one can be difficult. But it must be done if you're going to live that way. If you can't feel genuinely happy at the thought of a lover having other lovers you need to stay away from them in that context. Your continued presence is only going to cause drama and harm.

So the urge for a monogamistic Relationship is "possessive, selfish and greedy"?
Does that imply F-ing around is emotionally mature?
Oh well....
The twenty or so purely sexual "relationships" or encounters I had always left me feel as follows:
A little guilty when my female counterpart wanted more and I didn't, deeply embarrassed when it was only temporary arousal (alcohol?) that "made me do it", a little empty and sad when we never saw each other again, and - worst of all - depressed when I wanted more but she refused to go any further, merely considering me a F buddy.
Whereas I enjoyed my few long-term relationships a lot and I wish I was in one again!

She is a very, very lucky girl no matter how you look at it. "Men need to be needed but women want to be wanted" And you, my friend, WANT this girl. Even more because you know you will have to fight to keep her.

You are also WORTHY of being loved and I think if you just gently tell her (maybe while you are making love...) "I am falling in love with you" and see how she responds? If she responds negatively you can always pass it off as "In the heat of passion" thing... I think wanting a monogamous relationship is a great thing and shows that you have graduated into maturity from "casual sex". Grow, I think you are also learning that intimacy and knowing someone INTIMATELY are two totally different things.

Good Luck and I hope it works out!

P.S. Can I clone you? I also want a guy that doesn't just like me for sex but who wants to be with me and only me forever... *sigh*

HesDeltanCaptain wrote:It's called being possessive and selfish and greedy. Things we should strive to let go of. If you have someone eager to share their body and affections with you should count yourself extradinarily lucky, not seek to have more. Take what's offered and be thankful. You'll need to spend some time thinking about yourself and come to see that this is what's going on. And to give you a glimpse of your future if you can't be content is she'll simply not have sex with, or spend time with you anymore when you try to make her give in to your irrational expectations.

If people aren't emotionally mature to begin with, casual sex is a really bad idea. Typical paradigm assumes monogamy so casual sex is always going to involve possessiveness and jealousy. So finding people who've worked through the paradigm and adopted a new one can be difficult. But it must be done if you're going to live that way. If you can't feel genuinely happy at the thought of a lover having other lovers you need to stay away from them in that context. Your continued presence is only going to cause drama and harm.

Indeed, one thing is to think what to do, and an other is to feel what to do, and those two collide with each other, a interminable conflict between heart and mind. It can tear a persona apart, regardless if the person is "mature" enough to deal with it or not. I don't consider myself mature, I'm still 21 after all, but I feel like I know how to deal with it, yet I don't. Maybe I'm thinking "I should let go" and then I feel like that wouldn't be good. This will go on until a side overcomes the other. Meaning, I either suppress my emotions to the hardest, or I go all in accepting the risks.

Grow wrote:So the urge for a monogamistic Relationship is "possessive, selfish and greedy"?
Does that imply F-ing around is emotionally mature?
Oh well....
The twenty or so purely sexual "relationships" or encounters I had always left me feel as follows:
A little guilty when my female counterpart wanted more and I didn't, deeply embarrassed when it was only temporary arousal (alcohol?) that "made me do it", a little empty and sad when we never saw each other again, and - worst of all - depressed when I wanted more but she refused to go any further, merely considering me a F buddy.
Whereas I enjoyed my few long-term relationships a lot and I wish I was in one again!

Yeah I know what you mean. Even though sincerely this is the second time I have this kind of relationship with someone, I wouldn't say it's a waste of time or anything like that, overall I enjoy every moment and I'd do it again over and over. I might personally get hurt in the process but I know I'll get over it sooner or later.

Alxv1 wrote:...
Indeed, one thing is to think what to do, and an other is to feel what to do, and those two collide with each other...

Exactly right

We people often are conflicted, and we may put ourselves into situations where we 'think' we can/should feel something, only to find out how we really feel once we are in the situation.

You feel what you feel and that's okay. There is a lot of social pressure on people in my culture to have sex casually, but you are likely in the majority when it comes to how you feel about it in the situation.

Besides, if the situation was reversed, and it was you who had another partner, who knows? She might also feel something other then 'neutral' about it. She might also 'think' it's cool because she is not the one in that situation.

Hi, it's been a while, almost a month I think. I just wanted to update the situation.

Well, surprisingly, it was her who told me about the issue, she said she's thinking about me, us, more than she'd like to. She was afraid to start anything more than a fwb relationship because of her past experiences, but we slowly stared dating regularly. Things were going pretty well, and still are I think.

She moved for a week (she'll be back next monday I think, today is saturday), to her parents' house, they're pretty far away from here, she missed her little sister as well as her parents. I'm happy for her, being able to distract herself, to have fun.

But it's kinda the contrary for me, the day she went to the airport I sent her a message as I can't call her during the flight, and after that I didn't hear from her anymore. Yes, my morale is pretty down, I can't stop thinking about her unless I focus on something important. Even when I go to the gym, I just can't stop thinking about her. We spent the evening together the day before she had to go, and it was different compared to our other "dates", in a positive way, the look in her eyes was different, the way she kissed me was different. I can't get it out of my mind.

I know I'm just overreacting because I miss her but still, wouldn't she feel the same? Why wouldn't she reply to my message at least?

Anyway, that being said, we're obviously more than just fwb now. And we both feel comfortable like this, we both like the way it's going right now. But it's during the times we don't see each other that it all gets weird. I always feel anxious, I have no idea why.

That's all I guess.. Tell me about your own experience if you'd like to, I'm always happy to reply, cheers