Jealous, insecure, and going crazy!!

I've never been jealous and insecure before, but I have never been in a serious relationship, and I have fallen completely head over heels for this guy that I've been with for a few months. He said that he loved me and knew that he wanted to marry me before we even started dating. We've known each other for a little over a year and he said that he was trying to become really good friends and establish a strong foundation for our relationship.

I learned about this ex when we were dating. He had known her for a few months before getting together, and he fell in love with her. Apparently, he falls in love quickly... They only were in a relationship for about a month, and it was long distance.

Anyway, we had been dating for a few weeks before he was leaving for a few months. He told me that he wanted to go back to being just friends so that he could get closure with this girl. He said the way they left things were weird and messy. The worst thing was that she lives in the place that he was going to for the summer. Just about a week after he left, he called me one night, a little drunk. He was out with a big group of friends/co-workers, and his ex is part of that group, and he saw that a guy was hitting on her. He told me that he got a little upset about that. I got really sad/upset and asked if he still had feelings for her and he said yes. The next when we talked about it again, he said that it wasn't that he ever wanted to get back together with her, but his feelings were that his pride was hurt. He has told me this numerous times and he's told me that he's wanted to be with me since the moment he met me and everything he did was to make sure that our relationship would get off on the right start. He did admit that he failed. He also told me that it wasn't a hard choice to choose me over her and that once he realized how hurt I was that he still had feelings for her, he got over her right away, like the next day, because he didn't want to lose me. He also said that he was actually mean to her and yelled at her because he could have lost me.

Anyway, in the past month, she came up twice. First, she liked a couple of photos of us together on facebook. He was telling me that so many people have liked our photo, including his ex, and he asked if that was ok. I said it was, but I don't know... Then, something happened in the place that he was during the summer, so he texted all of his friends to see if they were okay. He was really sad that day. When I asked him if his friends responded, he said yes, and mentioned only a few names. The first name he mentioned was his ex's and he told me what her text had said.

He's told me several times that he's over her, he just thinks of them as another person/friend, and he only wants to be with me but I have trust issues in the first place, so it's even harder for me to believe him. However, I keep feeling like he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me or her and he started dating me even though he was unsure. He keeps on telling me that it was not like that at all, that he never wanted to be with her.

I'm still having a hard time believing him, believing that he wants to be with me, believing that he wants to marry me. This is driving me crazy!! Do I have anything to be concerned about?

Thank you for any feedback and for reading this really really long post.

Honestly I think you have all the right in the world to be jealous & insecure. I think he's finding reasons to keep in touch with her. When you are done for good with someone you usually don't want any type of contact with them of any sort. Usually from personal experience I've had a real hard time moving on after a messy break up. Don't know what it is but it doesn't allow me to move on so easily. The human brain has sooooooo many flaws !

greenlantern-

We all feel what we feel, and it's common enough that we beat ourselves up for it. This is one of those topics that different people have different personal responses to. There is no right or wrong way to feel. In addition, some people will say it wouldn't bother them if they were in your situation, but nobody can really know how they'd react until they are in the same situation.

A question though. If you have been in other relationships, have you felt this way before? or is this new to this relationship?

You have reason for concern. But on the other hand it sounds like you two communicate very well. I cannot get my husband to even have feelings to discuss other than anger. I know about the going crazy with unknowing of where you stand. Beware of that falling in love fast thing. Half the time it is just a lie your telling yourself to avoid some other feelings. I have proof in front of my eyes to confirm where things went with another woman-you are unsure of the extent of his summer contact. The insecurity and jealous are quite natural responses-IMHO your body knows whats going on even when you lie to yourself. I am still devastated over whats happen,Im sure you are too. Hope you are able to trust him-unless your body is telling you a different story.

Reading your post was... unsettling. I feel like I have written this 4 years ago and I can't remember it. I was in the EXACT same position with my first ever boyfriend. He was still friends with his ex and like you say - every time something happened in the place where she lives he would first be concerned about her. And she was always on his fb as a taunting reminder that she was his first love and that I was only second best. I also have trust issues but my first bf and I would have gotten married if I could've overcome those issues. - seek help NOW. I was EXACTLY where you are and you both need to go to a counselor or some other 3rd party that can play referee: If I tried to tell my ex how insecure I felt with him and his ex still being friends he laughed it off and said that I was the girl he wanted to be with forever not her. If I had dragged him to a counselor and told him in front of a witness how insecure it made me feel and maybe get the counselor to interpret what he says in return things might have turned out differently for us. But in the end all girls that hugged him became a threat and my already low self-esteem plummeted and I snapped. He couldn't handle it and he left me. I really really want to spare you from this pain. Have you ever thought WHY you have trust issues? You need to work through them with some psychologist or counselor.

My trust issues comes because my parents did not want me and my foster parents loved my younger sister more than me. I was always second best - not worth anyone's time or affection. When my dad came back into my life he forgot me at school, left me until late at night at my karate practice - and it taught me once again that I was not worth anyone's time and that I couldn't trust people to remember me. It did not help that my dad (who was supposed to be my role-model for men) cheated on all his wives (he had 3 in total) so I learned from him that, even with vows, men will always cheat and thus could not be trusted. In the end my bf thought "What the heck - she doesn't trust me anyway so I might as well just cheat" and when I found out he tried to put it all on me: "You never trusted me anyway so why try and earn your trust?" - that $#%^ hurt.

Maybe you have something similar that caused your distrust in men's word? Other than that I can only say that men - unlike women - can really just be friends with exes - and that is why you should not be jealous. But Jealousy is a powerful emotion. It is essentially the fear of losing someone we love. Because we are vulnerable when we love we can be hurt very easily and that makes us afraid to risk to believe that the other person can actually be trusted with our precious trust. Love requires Faith and Trust other wise it will never work.

Good Luck! I am really praying for you and I hope you don't make the same mistakes that I made - trust me in this - you will regret this jealousy and mistrust more than ANYTHING you may ever regret. Rather risk your love completely (Love is an all or nothing gamble) than risk being jealous.

Stay Strong and risk to trust!