Nervous About Getting Married

I am getting married in just a week and a half to my fiancé. We have been together 2 years. In May we visited his family and mine. Whilst with my family we went to see a baseball game. I later discovered that he had texted his ex that he went to the game while he was with my family and I. I knew they were friends but that he texted her shocked me. He said that whilst they were dating he had told her it was his dream to go to a Cubs game. He had never told me this, furthermore when my family and I asked him if he wanted to go he said that if we didn't have time it wouldn't matter. A couple of weeks later I looked at his old phone and the contents shocked me. I realized that what he called a friend he talked to from time to time was someone he talked to frequently and the contents did not seem to be platonic in nature. Whilst we were dating he would text her that he missed her, he had dreamt of her and even talked about my past with her. When we first started dating for Halloween she sent him a picture of her costume - she was wearing a corset and asked him what he thought of it. Some of the information was very disrespectful, especially in regards to my being a virgin when we started dating. He had not been completely truthful about her and the kind of relationship they had, as well as other relationships he had in the past. This ex is someone he thought was the 'One' and she dumped him after 6 months to which he was heartbroken. A year later they met again, had a one night stand and soon afterwards she got together with her current boyfriend - that was 4 years ago. The text messages up until we met and started dated showed him pouring out his thoughts to her but also showed a longing for her attention and someone to provide him with the affection she had shown him. When I confronted him he was angry about me looking at his phone. At first he said they were becoming less and less of friends and that he did not invite her to outings with our friends out of respect for me (however this was a lie and when I confronted him about this for proof he evaded answering and moved on with the conversation). I asked him to not be friends with her anymore but only after his mother got involved did he say that he would not contact her but would reply if she contacted him. He said this was because he did not want to cause drama. I acquiesced to his request. A few weeks later I saw that he was using inPrivate Browsing on internet explorer, which again caused an argument and we went to couples counseling. He stated that he did not have feelings for his ex and the inPrivate Browsing was because he wanted to retain his privacy but that he would not do this anymore.
A few weeks ago I found out from him that he looks up his exes on Facebook a few times a year - he said it's not because he has feelings for them but that he is curious what they are up to. I saw that over the past two months he had searched for the ex who was his friend 6 times. On his birthday and she messaged him but I had to confront him to learn the truth - he hadn't let me know though after the occurrences of before he said that he would. He is frustrated that it should matter to me when he says all that matters is that he loves me and wants to marry me. However I feel that his actions have been disrespectful and his inability to be completely honest is not healthy and very worrying. We are getting married soon and these details are making me nervous. Am I overthinking his actions or are my feelings justified? I have always been open and honest with him on my relationships or when anyone from the past has contacted me, because I believe this is respectful to him. Since we started dating I told him that honesty means the most to me. I was very shocked by the revelations of the past few months and I feel like I cannot trust him like I used to. I try but then someone else occurs that makes me withdraw and feel despondent.

I honestly do not have any advice for you but I thought I would just reply to show you someone heard you and listened. I don't know what happened over the weekend with you but it seems as if you already tried couples counseling - which is a step in the right direction . I just want to add that, even though we women can't understand it, it seems to me that men can really just be friends with an ex.

I was also a virgin until my first boyfriend and we were actually engaged to be married when I found out he cheated on me with porn. He said he only did it because I did not trust him and if I had trusted him he would have proven worthy of my trust. I don't know if it is true but I know that you should listen to your womanly instincts.

What will be best for you? You do not seem to have any kind of mental disorder - which means you will probably be better off than most of us no matter what you choose. Do you have a personal therapist you can speak to about your insecurities? I strongly suggest you try to get to the psychological root of your insecurities before making a decision.

Good Luck and stay strong!

Thexena wrote:I was also a virgin until my first boyfriend and we were actually engaged to be married when I found out he cheated on me with porn.

How does someone cheat on you with porn... I was actually responding to the original post to explain to her how she is crazy but then when I scrolled down and saw this I was just like wtf. So your boyfriend looked at porn and you think that means he cheated on you? Lol... This is why I am never getting married, some women are just too ###$.

-- Tue Oct 08, 2013 12:36 pm --

janhayes wrote:I am getting married in just a week and a half to my fiancé. We have been together 2 years. In May we visited his family and mine. Whilst with my family we went to see a baseball game. I later discovered that he had texted his ex that he went to the game while he was with my family and I. I knew they were friends but that he texted her shocked me. He said that whilst they were dating he had told her it was his dream to go to a Cubs game. He had never told me this, furthermore when my family and I asked him if he wanted to go he said that if we didn't have time it wouldn't matter. A couple of weeks later I looked at his old phone and the contents shocked me. I realized that what he called a friend he talked to from time to time was someone he talked to frequently and the contents did not seem to be platonic in nature. Whilst we were dating he would text her that he missed her, he had dreamt of her and even talked about my past with her. When we first started dating for Halloween she sent him a picture of her costume - she was wearing a corset and asked him what he thought of it. Some of the information was very disrespectful, especially in regards to my being a virgin when we started dating. He had not been completely truthful about her and the kind of relationship they had, as well as other relationships he had in the past. This ex is someone he thought was the 'One' and she dumped him after 6 months to which he was heartbroken. A year later they met again, had a one night stand and soon afterwards she got together with her current boyfriend - that was 4 years ago. The text messages up until we met and started dated showed him pouring out his thoughts to her but also showed a longing for her attention and someone to provide him with the affection she had shown him. When I confronted him he was angry about me looking at his phone. At first he said they were becoming less and less of friends and that he did not invite her to outings with our friends out of respect for me (however this was a lie and when I confronted him about this for proof he evaded answering and moved on with the conversation). I asked him to not be friends with her anymore but only after his mother got involved did he say that he would not contact her but would reply if she contacted him. He said this was because he did not want to cause drama. I acquiesced to his request. A few weeks later I saw that he was using inPrivate Browsing on internet explorer, which again caused an argument and we went to couples counseling. He stated that he did not have feelings for his ex and the inPrivate Browsing was because he wanted to retain his privacy but that he would not do this anymore.
A few weeks ago I found out from him that he looks up his exes on Facebook a few times a year - he said it's not because he has feelings for them but that he is curious what they are up to. I saw that over the past two months he had searched for the ex who was his friend 6 times. On his birthday and she messaged him but I had to confront him to learn the truth - he hadn't let me know though after the occurrences of before he said that he would. He is frustrated that it should matter to me when he says all that matters is that he loves me and wants to marry me. However I feel that his actions have been disrespectful and his inability to be completely honest is not healthy and very worrying. We are getting married soon and these details are making me nervous. Am I overthinking his actions or are my feelings justified? I have always been open and honest with him on my relationships or when anyone from the past has contacted me, because I believe this is respectful to him. Since we started dating I told him that honesty means the most to me. I was very shocked by the revelations of the past few months and I feel like I cannot trust him like I used to. I try but then someone else occurs that makes me withdraw and feel despondent.

Why is he not allowed to have female friends? Especially an ex... someone he was close with? Just because you were a virgin and never been close to anyone else doesn't mean you should expect your first boyfriend to never talk to any of his exs and female friends. Is this a place of insecurity you're coming from? Or do you feel inadequate about him having sex with other, possibly more attractive women, whilst still remaining on good terms with them? Does this bother you because you know if you mess up he has other options?

You don't just block people out of your life. My parents divorced when I was six years old but they still talk to each other and even on holidays I'll drive to my hometown and we will all get together. You never actually said what your problem was with him being friends with an ex. This is probably because you realize there isn't actually anything wrong with this. As long as he isn't having sex with other women then isn't an issue.

So, TrapGod, Again - This is why you don't have friends. You cannot begin to understand yourself, in fact, you came to this forum because you could not understand why you don't have friends and yet you dare to think you understand someone else?!

Having sex with other women - whether in your mind or physically IS cheating. No wonder you have to pay for sex. And No, Still having sex (whether physically or imaginary) with an ex is why women prefer it if men are not friends with their exes anymore. Why can men dictate who their wives' friends should be but we can't make that one request?

She is insecure -all women are. You would be too if you had to compete with every guy on this planet for the rest of your life - to always be compared and to have standards of physical appearance you HAVE to measure up to.

Janhayes, If you read TrapGod's post and my reply, please block him by clicking on the "foe" button (right side of your comments screen below his profile picture) so that he can't upset you again. And just keep in mind that he is also on a mental health forum so obviously his parents' divorce caused his social ineptitude. He is also hurting because he can't make any friends and "Hurt people hurt other people" because it is the only way they can feel better about themselves.

You are beautiful and your feelings are totally normal and I know you are strong enough to live through this hurdle in your life. God Bless!

Thexena wrote:So, TrapGod, Again - This is why you don't have friends. You cannot begin to understand yourself, in fact, you came to this forum because you could not understand why you don't have friends and yet you dare to think you understand someone else?! You are a jerk. Everyone on this forum thinks so and probably everyone you meet too.

Having sex with other women - whether in your mind or physically IS cheating. No wonder you have to pay for sex. And No, Still having sex (whether physically or imaginary) with an ex is why women prefer it if men are not friends with their exes anymore. Why can men dictate who their wives' friends should be but we can't make that one request?

She is insecure -all women are. You would be too if you had to compete with every guy on this planet for the rest of your life - to always be compared and to have standards of physical appearance you HAVE to measure up to.

I don't have true friends because I either have Asperger's Syndrome or Antisocial Personality Disorder, possibly both, here to try to figure out which one. I also realize that I'm a crazy asshole, just don't care.

This may just be my personality disorder but I honestly do not understand how imaginary sex with another women would be grounds for a break up. How to you is thinking of sex equal to having real sex? My sex drive is really low but it is still a natural response for me to think of sex when I see someone sexually attractive. This is normal. All my male friends talk about sex as if it is the only thing they think about it, I try to hang around females for this reason but even my female friends can be bad at this. Ironically it appears you are the one who doesn't understand, and then goes on to name call as I can sense you are coming from a point of weakness and inferiority. Notice how I am actually able to talk to you like an adult? I think the only negative word I ever used was "crazy". You seem to find the need to call others "asshole", "going to die alone", even making fun of a divorce. I am much younger than you, I will have my life sorted out in less than a year. You are stuck the way you are for the rest of your life and you obviously don't seem to care since you just gave up and turned to medication. So continue being on drugs for the rest of your life, you already have a boring terrible personality, you will never be loved by anyone, and I almost feel bad writing because I know it's actually true but I feel it is justified since you said someone bad against me first.

Hi all
Mod Orion here

TrapGod I understand you are sorting things out in your own life, but even if you disagree with the OP's values and concerns you still must respect her values and also not interrupt her thread. I am sending you a PM.

Also, for everyone, profanity and name calling is counterproductive. If you have an issue, bring it to a moderator's attention; please do not throw more fuel on the fire.

Disagreements are natural and inevitable, but an acceptable level of harmony is maintained when we respectfully- and agreably - disagree with another.

Thanx in advance for your cooperation, and for putting the thread back on track...

This advice comes from someone who is on her third and final marriage. I have always dated the "bad boys" and have always found them flirting or cheating with other women. They all want to get married to have a "mommy" take care of them. If you can't trust a man at a time when he is supposed to be so "in love" with you, before marriage, run!! Run as far as you can from this man! He will not change and you will end up being lied to, disrespected and cheated on. Believe me, they do not change! Been there...3 times, believing every lie because I was so in love. A man in love will never hide anything from you and will only look out for YOUR best interests, not his.