Getting over insecurities about your partner's ex

My partner has lied to me about things in the past. She has not cheated on me but somehow with all the lies she said it made me feel as bad as being cheated on. She told me she lied so that I won't get mad at her. It's been months since that happened but I still feel the same anger every time I talk about it. Is it normal? Now I'm paranoid that she will do it again although I know she will not make the same mistake again. My paranoia is destroying our relationship. Is this normal for me to feel this way after a longtime? Why do I feel so insecure?

I think it's normal.

What's particularly curious to me is that you seem to think that these are things that will fade over time. What could have possibly given you that idea?

The only solution I can think of is to become cold and hardened toward your partner. You have to dissociate to a place mentally where you don't care what your partner does. If you're psychologically invested in your partner, then what your partner does will have an impact on your mental well-being. If you're not then, then what she does won't matter. That seems to be the way things work.

Of course you ought to ask yourself the personal questions first: "Why am I in this relationship?" and "Is it worth it for me to emotionally detach myself?".

This isn't a reply to your message

but I felt I had to reply anyway because its more of a message to someone else who said something along similar lines ? to that person id like to say wtf are you talking about? who are you talking about ?! OK, when it comes to telling the truth sure I don't trust you any further than i could throw you but apart from that i really don't understand what the hell you're on about.

I am sorry I only see your message now. I was also in a relationship where my ex lied to me once. It made me very jealous - not only of his ex that he was still friends with but of every girl I thought was prettier than me - I became paranoid and in the end it destroyed our relationship. I know that if I could have only trusted my partner that we would still be together and engaged. They say trust has to be earned but I really truly believe that what we get when we love someone is worth more than what we risk by trusting that person. I think you two should just have a session with a counselor who can play referee and who can mediate the conversation and then you kindly and gently just tell your partner how it made you feel when they lied to you (don't try to do this in private with just the two of you because it WILL escalate into an argument - Believe me)

I lost something precious and virtually perfect because no relationship can survive without trust. "Faith and Trust and Pixy dust"

AngelWings -

I don't think there is any absolute rule about people, or right/wrong as such. It is really up to each of us to be honest with ourselves about how we feel, and to make a choice to forgive or not. Likewise how much trust we put in others to start versus later in a relationship varies. Obviously living with mistrust and paranoia is not a great way to walk around feeling all the time.

Talking with a therapist could help in better understanding what is behind the feelings of paranoia and insecurity. That written, yes, couples counseling may be helpful too.

Question - When she told she had lied, what was your sense of it? Did you get the sense she felt remorseful and it would not happen again?

I think living with feelings of constant mistrust and paranoia isn't a great way to be and I don't think you need mistrust and paranoia to know or find out if a partner does prove themselves unworthy of you in some way - there are other ways than that.

- Its a bit like me driving round in a constant state of alertness and stress looking over my shoulder every few seconds instead of installing one of those speed management devices! lol

I think mistrust and paranoia really does come from somewhere internal and that you don't need it to protect yourself from being mistreated. The idea isn't that you allow people to walk all over you, its more that you learn different ways both to make sense of what you feel and why but also to be aware of what's going on between you and other people.

This is a complex and common topic/issue for sure.

One of the posters above wrote about a means of dealing with it; complete emotional dis-association. Some people also do that in general, avoid emotional entanglements so avoid the possibility of feeling hurt. That's certainly a way, but it comes at a cost too.

There is a grey area though, and if you think about it, there are probably 'lies' that would have less impact. For example if a partner lied and said "I ate a piece of cake" but really ate two (say out of some embarrassment about over eating), most of us wouldn't take it very hard. There is no threat to our egos, and we are aware that others (and ourselves) simply do not have perfect records when it comes to telling the truth.

Other lies though can affect our ego, our sense of self worth. In particular lies involving emotional/physical relationships with others can have leave us feeling like there must be something wrong with us, that we are less valuable, that we can't trust them at all, etc. Those lies can leave us wondering why - why did our partner chose someone else over us? And more.

There is a grey area though between the extremes of our ego being entirely dependent-on/affected-by others, and complete dis-association. The grey area is murky, but the reality is that people are imperfect (including ourselves), and it's in the grey area where we can have relationships with others while still retaining our individuality and feel good about ourselves even if a partner is imperfect.

Again, a therapist can help in working through our self-esteem issues that can lead to either extreme. There are also many books on building self-esteem; a common thread among them is that the past is the past, and nothing we do/think can change the past. In many ways the past is like a dream; just a selective mix of memories (I bet there are also good memories of the past too, but we can be so selective about which we remember). The only thing we have control over is the now and to a degree the future. It is unfortunate if we miss life now, and the possibilities in the future when we get stuck on re-hashing the past. When we live in the past the only ones who really lose? Ourselves.

Thexena wrote:I am sorry I only see your message now. I was also in a relationship where my ex lied to me once. It made me very jealous - not only of his ex that he was still friends with but of every girl I thought was prettier than me - I became paranoid and in the end it destroyed our relationship. I know that if I could have only trusted my partner that we would still be together and engaged. They say trust has to be earned but I really truly believe that what we get when we love someone is worth more than what we risk by trusting that person. I think you two should just have a session with a counselor who can play referee and who can mediate the conversation and then you kindly and gently just tell your partner how it made you feel when they lied to you (don't try to do this in private with just the two of you because it WILL escalate into an argument - Believe me)

I lost something precious and virtually perfect because no relationship can survive without trust. "Faith and Trust and Pixy dust"

We are working on it right now. I have told her a lot of time how I felt and it caused a lot of arguements. Giving your trust to someone is really hard to do most especially if that person has broken your trust in the past. I know I have to trust my partner to make things work. I dont want to do more damage by being paranoid about things but its really uncontrollable at times.

-- Tue Oct 08, 2013 1:13 am --

xdude wrote:AngelWings -

I don't think there is any absolute rule about people, or right/wrong as such. It is really up to each of us to be honest with ourselves about how we feel, and to make a choice to forgive or not. Likewise how much trust we put in others to start versus later in a relationship varies. Obviously living with mistrust and paranoia is not a great way to walk around feeling all the time.

Talking with a therapist could help in better understanding what is behind the feelings of paranoia and insecurity. That written, yes, couples counseling may be helpful too.

Question - When she told she had lied, what was your sense of it? Did you get the sense she felt remorseful and it would not happen again?

Yes I felt she was remorseful. She promised to never do it again. But at the back of my, everybody caught lying would say the same thing right? Up until now she is showing and giving her best to make up for what she's done but somehow it isnt enough.

-- Tue Oct 08, 2013 1:16 am --

katana wrote:I think living with feelings of constant mistrust and paranoia isn't a great way to be and I don't think you need mistrust and paranoia to know or find out if a partner does prove themselves unworthy of you in some way - there are other ways than that.

- Its a bit like me driving round in a constant state of alertness and stress looking over my shoulder every few seconds instead of installing one of those speed management devices! lol

I think mistrust and paranoia really does come from somewhere internal and that you don't need it to protect yourself from being mistreated. The idea isn't that you allow people to walk all over you, its more that you learn different ways both to make sense of what you feel and why but also to be aware of what's going on between you and other people.

Thanks for that. Mistrust and paranoia really does affect me as a person and the relationship I am in. But how do I get rid of these? I've done almost anything and the only this that has kinda worked is dissociation.

The big problem is that you need to forgive her for lying to you. - That is they crux of the issue. If you do not forgive her - and I mean truly forgive her, not just say you did - your relationship will also blow up like mine.
You do not need to be religious to forgive people for any little/big wrong they did to you, but the moment that you realize that the lie does not detract from the special relationship you have, you will already feel better. It may seem silly, all this worrying over something so small but it is really important to take this and see it as an opportunity to learn something about what really matters in life.

I am a person of Faith but even so, I really struggle to forgive my ex for his betrayal - not only that he did it, but also that he tried to hide it from me and then lied when he realized he could not hide it.
But I know that I need help to learn how to forgive because at this moment, this pain I feel is simply stemming from that mistrust, paranoia and that I cannot forgive the person who wronged me.

Sorry if I sounded preachy, but I really think that forgiveness is the only way to stop feeling like this.