Make the Hurt and pain go away...

I am a 26 year old, white female from South Africa.

In my culture mental diseases are treated with disgust and mistrust. I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression 4 years ago and have been taking medicine for it but my family rejected me because of it.

My ex-Fiance and I broke up 2 months ago because I could not deal with the porn he was addicted to. I am hurting so much... First I tried to ignore the problem, then I was angry at him, and then I realized it was my fault, that I was not pretty enough or good enough in bed, that is why he preferred videos of other, blonde, skinny and sexy women above me. I started dieting but after 2 months had only lost 2 kg despite only living off protein shakes. I wanted to dye my hair blond but no color would take on my black hair.

That was when my ex told me he doesn't want me anymore. I feel so rejected and hurt. I keep going through the stages, over and over. I want him back, but I know he doesn't love me.

In my culture it is very important for a woman to be a virgin and if you are not, you will never get married. I gave my virginity to my ex because I thought we would get married when we saved up enough money. But now I will never ever find someone who loves an ugly, black-haired slut like me.

All my friends left me when I told them I was no longer a virgin because they know I am a slut. I have no one to help me get through this and a psychologist is so expensive I can only afford to see him/her once a month.

I was a very spiritual person before but I think this is my punishment for not waiting until I got married before I gave up my virginity. God doesn't want me to be loved.

I just want the pain to stop. But I am too scared to commit suicide, but I don't want to live anymore. I started cutting myself to try and take away the pain in my heart with physical pain but it only helps for a short while.

I can't sleep. I have to force myself to eat. I just want the pain to go away...

Dear Thexena,

After reading this, it seems like this has been very intense for you to go through. I just wanted to let you know that there is always a way to turn your life around, you just have to believe that it will for you.

I live in the US, where for the most part it is encouraged to remain in a monogamous relationship but also to sew all of your wild oats before marriage. I am not an expert on South African customs, so if this is different, realize that is coming from an American perspective.

My first thing I would say to you is I don't think you have done anything wrong. We were meant to connect with people and reproduce, and fighting against these two instinctual traits is not healthy for anyone around the world. I believe that religion, politics, and ideologies have warped us so much into thinking that sex is a problem when it is not.

Second, you need to realize that a true friend will always stick by your side when you are going through troubles. If all of your friends left you, then that to me means that they did not like you for who you truly are and/or were jealous of you. People come and go in life but the ones that love you will never disappear.

Lastly, if you are truly hurting and want change, maybe you should try to move somewhere new. I used to live in Japan for a while because I needed a break from living in the US. While it didn't quite workout for me, I learned a lot and will never regret the decision because it taught me so much life lessons that you can't learn through a book or movie. There are plenty of opportunities and you are still young! A breath of fresh air could help clear your spirit.

There is my two cents. I hope you could take something away from it. Remember that today is the beginning of the rest of your life and it is up to you to seize the day!

Thexena wrote:I was a very spiritual person before but I think this is my punishment for not waiting until I got married before I gave up my virginity. God doesn't want me to be loved.

Wow, god is a petty little turd isn't he? And very obsessed with genitals. Frankly I think he should be sacked and me given the job, I'm far closer to omnibenevolent than he is and I don't blame victims and protect their attackers. If I was doing god's job you'd be very well looked after, and your scumbag fiance and the friends who abandoned you despite the fact you did nothing wrong would be getting a little punitive justice (although I'd be doing away with the idea of punishing people for eternity for trivial crimes).

Thexena wrote:I just want the pain to stop. But I am too scared to commit suicide, but I don't want to live anymore. I started cutting myself to try and take away the pain in my heart with physical pain but it only helps for a short while.

You ever considered trying to escape? You'll know better than me - is there anywhere in South Africa that's more progressive than where you are now? You're clearly surrounded by extremely superstitious people, you may want to look into finding a less superstitious and religious area. If there is no such place, you may want to consider what your options for escaping South Africa itself actually are.

Thanks Guys. I really do try to get a job overseas but no one wants to give me a chance since I do not have a lot of experience.

But I appreciate your words of encouragement.

Science and Cake, I do not know if you would be more forgiving than God but it is just God's Will for my life and I'm tired of trying to make my life better when it is clearly against His Will.

Thexena wrote:Science and Cake, I do not know if you would be more forgiving than God but it is just God's Will for my life and I'm tired of trying to make my life better when it is clearly against His Will.

God doesn't exist. None of that stuff exists. Your situation is hard because it's a bad situation, not because some evil god is pulling the strings.

My life isn't easy because god made it easy - it's easy because people in the UK (where I live) don't get persecuted for the things you're being persecuted for. If there is a god, he's pretty racist because he punishes South African women differently to British men for the same crimes.

If you want change, you'll have to make change yourself. You'll have to think about your situation, think about escaping moving away or interacting with the people around you differently. If there are people doing well copy them, pretend to be like them, do anything except wait for some god to torment you or fix you.

ScienceAndCake,

I come here for support and an outlet for my pain. I appreciate your different beliefs but don't criticize mine. You are also angry and hurt and "Hurt people hurt other people" so I get it. But honestly, I am struggling to cope as it is and I am tired of being judged. So please, keep your hurtful comments to yourself, I want to die as it is without you telling me the only thing I cling to is a lie.

And this week is just as hard as last week as I got rejected AGAIN, been told I was weird and not good enough to be friends with by someone I cared for very much. So at least TRY and be supportive instead of trying to see how many people you can get to commit suicide.