Ladies, please help me understand....

rs3567 wrote:Thanks again for listening and thanks for the advice!

No problem, I get the feeling you're stronger already, so I wish you the best in the next relationship.

rs3567 wrote:I guess that is what I mean. When I love somebody, the doors close so to speak. I am not out there looking at every girl in the bar and wondering what it would be like with them. I met some really attractive/cool girls that I clicked with very well when I was dating my ex but I didn't even give them a second thought as far as 'being with them' goes. I had a best friend who I grew with for 3 years. How COULD any random person be able to challenge that connection?

I don't know that there's an 100% easy way to do find a woman who won't do what your ex-girlfriend of 3 years did to you. Personally, I'd pay special attention to certain peculiarities in her behavior. One such peculiarity might be the words "thank you" being a regular part of her lexicon toward you, especially when it's not necessarily required at the moment. Another such peculiarity might be listening to your points in a discussion and directly addressing them intelligently rather than instantly resorting to emotional bullying.

It doesn't read to me like your ex-girlfriend did either of these two things toward you. It seems like she was mostly ungrateful for the sacrifices you made for her and regularly resorted to emotional bullying to have her way. You shouldn't necessarily look for these two things in particular; they're just two examples of what you might look for.

In general, you'd be looking for congruent behavior that demonstrates that she acknowledges in personhood in the same you do hers and doesn't simply see you as an object or asset there for her own security and amusement and to discard of when it loses it usefulness. Each of the two examples that I listed would demonstrate that she recognizes that you have virtues and value that extends beyond what you can do for her at any given moment.

I think a woman might pretend to be kind and unselfish; it might even come easily to some. I doubt a woman who's only pretending would have the presence of mind at any given moment to humble herself at any given time to recognize your kindness toward her or to listen closely and try to assuage your concerns when she's not having her way. There are just some things that the genuinely good catch would do, that wouldn't even cross the mind of the woman who's only pretending to be a good catch because at her core she's selfish and ugly. She's a phony, so she can't mimic perfectly the behaviors nor entirely understand the motivations of a woman who's not a phony. If you watch closely, the phony will slip up and reveal her true nature in time.

Thanks again everyone for the replies. I actually had a long reply to what you had said Kabuhi but my browser logged me out and when I tried to log back in it refreshed and lost the whole thing . As soon as I get a chance I will re-write it though. Everyone has been a great help though, I appreciate it very much! I am starting to realize some things I knew but probably should have acted on a long time ago but I will post them when I get the chance in hopes that maybe it'll help others.