Couldn't make it work...my issues or just bad compatibility?

So I've been trying to make a "relationship" work for a few weeks, despite the fact I have BPD and I thought I was doing well initially and I felt relatively ok about his poor communication and lack of effort until last weekend. The week after I tried to explain how I felt through text since he doesn't use any other form of communication with me and his responses gave me no real indication of how he felt but he told me he was having a tough week at work so I decided to give him a break and be supportive, figuring we'd probably see each other on the weekend and could chat about it then.

But Friday came and there was no mention of seeing me and after listening to him whinge about work and then telling me he was having a better day, I was pretty annoyed when I said something just wanting some words of enouragement and he couldn't give me any. I lost my cool and said I felt we were on different wavelengths, to which he responded that we should call it a day then. I said fine, ranted about how superficial the whole thing felt anyway and that I never felt like he cared. Shortly after I apologised saying I was feeling emotional and that maybe we could be friends. He then told me to relax, said he was in a bad mood and we should meet up for a drink and talk. I left it to him to follow through but he didn't. I then didn't hear from him again until Sunday where he texted me just asking if I was ok. I told him I'd been better and asked how he was. He responded that he was ok and that was it. Not another word.

Today I'm feeling I've had enough...I've been left in limbo since last weekend, being forced to bottle up my feelings because I can't talk to him and he doesn't even seem to care that I need to talk. I can't sit through another week hoping he will take the initiative to see me on the weekend. I have to do all the travelling to see him and I'm tired of having to make all the effort and not getting anything back. I hate breaking things off by text but what choice did I have? He seems to be avoiding talking to me and I'm not travelling all the way to see him just to end it. Screw that. If he can't make a bloody effort to talk to me and fix the issues then I'm not going to make an effort to be respectful and end it in person. It's more painful that way anyway. I feel cheated and neglected and I tried so hard to keep my issues at bay, but what's the point in trying to be with someone who can't be sensitive to my needs and makes me feel as though my needs are just a burden to him??

I sent him a couple of super long texts basically telling him I deserve to be treated better, that I need communication that he can't seem to offer and I can't be what he needs. I've heard nothing back. Even though in my mind it feels like it's all his fault, I can't help wondering if my BPD is clouding my judgement. I mean, living in different towns makes it all so much harder but I can't understand why he didn't just walk away to begin with when I brought up issues...why bother behaving as though he wanted to fix it if he really can't be bothered to? I feel so disappointed and depressed...this is the first "relationship" I've had in almost 3 years and it's gone so horribly wrong. Is this me just sabotaging every relationship all over again or am I doing the right thing here??

I hate to generalize, but men are really just simple creatures. That is a good thing in my book.

Clearly this person is not responding to the issues that you have with him, and you have 2 options. Get over it, or walk away. It may be a little too late to ignore it and try to make up. I've been on the other side of that relationship. You may feel like you are expressing your valid concerns, but to the other person you are just overwhelming. Clearly he has problems at work, and ther are enough real problems in life to deal with, so someone like you can across demanding and needy. He's got problems, but it's all about you. If you want to stay in this relationship, save the drama for your mama.

Most people like to spend time with people who they have a good time with. If you have been dating him for a few weeks, and you have serious problems, you should be willing to walk away. The first text you sent that he did not respond to should have been a clear message. He didn't respond and you followed with more texts about your needs, after feeling he doesn't want to talk to you. How does that make sense to you?

I think this man probably liked you, now he is waiting for you to walk away, he doesn't want to be with you anymore. He doesn't like problems, and he is not willing to confront you about no longer being interested in you. That is his prerogative. Most people don't like confrontation, and nobody likes to be told how defective they are. For some reason you have a need to insist on telling him that. You don't have a right to demand that someone be a different person. That attitude is wrong. I don't think it is because of BPD, I think it's just dumb.

There are men that don't "have game", and there are women who "don't have game." You lack good game.

deethebee wrote: He then told me to relax, said he was in a bad mood and we should meet up for a drink and talk. I left it to him to follow through but he didn't. I then didn't hear from him again until Sunday where he texted me just asking if I was ok. I told him I'd been better and asked how he was. He responded that he was ok and that was it. Not another word.

Did you text back "yeah, let's do that" or something of that sort? If you didn't give any confirmation, it may have come across as though you'd brushed his suggestion off. Recall in your previous text message, you had suggested breaking off the relationship and simply being friends.

deethebee wrote:If he can't make a bloody effort to talk to me and fix the issues then I'm not going to make an effort to be respectful and end it in person.

Don't end it in person, but be respectful. Always be respectful, especially if someone hasn't mistreated you. Be respectful even if they have mistreated you however. That one piece of advice can go a long way to making relationships with BPDs run smoother.

After reading everything you wrote, I'd say the problems in your relationship are probably a combination of your issues and bad compatibility. I think you're somewhat difficult and I don't believe it's all his fault (For example, from my perspective I can't even tell if you're broken up or not. It reads as though you terminated the relationship, but that you don't consider the relationship terminated. This is obviously very confusing and, although not knowing you personally, your PD implies that you are probably very confusing in other ways.), but I also don't believe he's highly compatible with you and the right thing to do might simply be to break it off.

Michelle, I appreciate your input but the way you've written your post really lacks a supportive tone and since this is a forum for mental illness I would ask that you try to adjust that as the way you have come across is very triggering to me and I don't appreciate the accusatory words. Please remember that what I have written is a very small snippet of the entire relationship. I realise what my options are - hence why I ended it with him.

It's not really fair to tell me I'm being overwhelming when this is something that could have been resolved if the guy would just pick up the phone and CALL me instead of letting feelings brood over text. I have very valid reasons for feeling upset and all I wanted was some communication to fix it or see if it could be fixed at least...yes he may have problems at work but we all have problems, but that doesn't mean those problems should overshadow the other person's needs. I have put his needs before mine up until now and I need someone who has space in their life to be able to meet my needs as I meet theirs. He was getting everything he wanted from the relationship and I was putting in all the effort. There are 2 people involved and I have a right to be happy as well and if I'm not then why should I just keep my mouth shut so that there's no "drama". It's absolutely NOT all about me. I have been supportive, never talking about myself, always willing to listen, trying to encourage him, trying not to pressure him. You are assuming it's all about me just because I wanted him to communicate with me about how I felt I was being treated!! Jeez, I know women can create drama but it's so damn unfair to be accused of it just for having reasonable needs, like being listened to and not ignored, feeling like the other person cares, wanting to be taken out on actual dates, wanting some effort put in...

I don't even know what first text you are talking about that he didn't respond to...my first text today was telling him I was going to email him and that he could decide what he wanted to do once he'd read it. But I decided not to send an email so I instead just sent another text explaining that and telling him it wasn't working out and we couldn't give each other what we need. And I know very well that just because I feel like he doesn't want to talk it doesn't mean I know the whole truth...I'm assuming because he hasn't made en effort to meet up and talk and I'm confused. I'm not getting answers so I've told him how I feel and ended it. I haven't demanded anything! I have told him I would never make him do anything he doesn't want to and I haven't insisted on telling him he's defective - I've told him how I FEEL and I said I don't want to be a burden on him. It's obvious to me that I have needs he isn't able to fulfill and I've tried to show my understanding of that now and make it easy on him by walking away and I've told him that without things getting resolved it gets worse and harder to repair.

So anyway, thanks for your very unhelpful and accusatory post. I don't really need any further input from you.

Kabuhi - No I didn't text back. I was feeling highly emotional and I felt it better to not respond again. Maybe it did come across that I brushed it off, but his text the following day insinuated that we were still together (he called me "my sweet"). He'd also said he was in a mood and I didn't want to push him so I left it to him to come to me because it was in fact HIM who suggested calling things off before I did - I simply said I hoped we could be friends still.

Well I think I was respectful in the way I ended it anyway. I tried not to be accusatory and just explain how I felt and say that I can't be what he needs and don't want to burden him. This way I'm hoping it comes across that I realise he can't really meet my needs, but I still don't think my needs are unreasonable. I've tried to mitigate the damage but with BPD, feelings getting shoved under the carpet just exacerbates things and I desperately wanted to have a discussion to just move on from it. I wished he would have just called me but obviously whatever issues he's been having at work are more important than my happiness and I need someone who can do both really.

I suppose I am difficult, but I try not to be...and believe me, the pain I go through I really am trying. But what happens when something goes wrong and you don't live close by and you just have text communication and the negative feelings have to drag on for ages? It drags me down and I can't deal with it. It's not fair and when someone knows I am a bit more sensitive than the average person I don't get why they don't just make a phone call and it could all be sorted in a matter of minutes?? Maybe I am confusing but so is he. I've told him I'm confused and lost and I guess the way the message was written was realising that things aren't working and allowing him to walk away and I will do the same but I suppose there's also an opening in case he wants to talk. That is how I feel. I just want to move on one way or the other really and start feeling better because I feel crushed at the moment because I liked him, but I can't believe that it's all me...I've tried so hard and I felt like everything was on his terms and his life and needs were dominating things. I would have to travel to see him and pay for train fare despite the fact I am not working at the moment and then he'd be too tired from work to organise anything for us to do and I'd have to settle for staying in and watching TV constantly. That's all we did aside from our first date!

Anyway, thanks for your insight...as sad as it is I'm sure it must be time to move on. I guess he's the type of guy who just needs a really laid back girl with low expectations and as I said to him, I can't be what he needs. I suck in relationships anyway but I have tried

The difficulty with BPD's personal testimonies for me personally is distinguishing between what's legitimate and what's simply devaluation of the other person by the BPD to protect himself/herself. What part is legitimately the other person's doing and what part is the BPD fabricating in his/her mind? BPD's alternate idealization and devaluation of other people, especially romantic partners. For an outsider, and maybe even for the BPD herself, it can be difficult to get a grasp of what's really happening. I don't want to sabotage "a good thing" (in this case, a romantic partner who actually treats the person well) for a BPD person, but at the same time I don't want to ignore "legitimate" complaints.

I can't really say I understand what you're experiencing, although I do believe that you're genuinely trying. Hopefully you'll be able to get healthy and can find what you're looking for romantically going forward.

Kabuhi wrote:The difficulty with BPD's personal testimonies for me personally is distinguishing between what's legitimate and what's simply devaluation of the other person by the BPD to protect himself/herself. What part is legitimately the other person's doing and what part is the BPD fabricating in his/her mind? BPD's alternate idealization and devaluation of other people, especially romantic partners. For an outsider, and maybe even for the BPD herself, it can be difficult to get a grasp of what's really happening.

I can't really say I understand what you're experiencing, although I do believe that you're genuinely trying. Hopefully you'll be able to get healthy and can find what you're looking for romantically going forward.

You're right, it is hard for me to figure out how much I am imagining and how much is real. That's why communication is so important to me...if I can express myself and hear what the other person has to say maybe something can be fixed, but when they can't communicate I become emotionally stuck and I want to walk away because otherwise I feel I'm burdening them too much. And as I say, when it drags on without proper communication for over a week I can't keep a lid on what I'm feeling because I have no resolution in sight and I don't know what's going on.

Well I guess either way that's that...I've messed it up and he isn't coming back I guess and maybe it's time to step away from relationships again. I just don't trust myself anymore. I wish I could talk to him and explain this stuff but it's too much to put on one person so it is best if I back off, as much as it hurts.

I'm really sorry Deethebee,

My only intention is for you to understand how your actions can come across to another person so you aren't so vulnerable. You or anyone like you. You did the right thing and walked away. Good for you.

I am a women and understand the need to communicate. Men are not like us and I see too many women that demand that men behave like us. It is a wrong expectation. Have female friends to communicate with.

Male friends are for flirting and having fun. If you make them feel good they are like putty in your hands. Women have the power, just got to know how to use it.

You can't go off on other people and expect them to respond well. Understand that everytime you feel the need to "communicate" your feelings you will likely push the other person away. You have a right to your opinion, but you have NO CONTROL over how another person responds to that opinion. If you have dire needs to "communicate" issues that aren't positive, know that there is A 50/50 chance the other person will not accept that. You can't possibly be surprised by that anymore. I have gone off on plenty of BF's but it was usually to push them away or I wanted an excuse to fight with them so I could go out with friends. In other words I didn't care about the outcome.

It is simply smarter to understand what makes other people tick, than to compulsively ramble out everything that goes through your head and demand that others respond sympathetically. It doesn't work that way. If you dont have control of those actions, you should be able to have enough experience to know the consequences of those actions and accept responsibility.

I just wanted to put things in perspective for your benefit so you dont continue to have the same problem.

Michelle, I do often understand how my actions can come across - I just don't always care. For example I don't go and rant at someone unless I'm expecting to break up with them. It's only afterwards that I then freak out and no longer know if I've done the right thing. And this is the problem with having mental illness - I NEVER know if I've done the right thing and I always think I should have done things differently no matter what it is I have done.

I don't agree with you on the expectation of communication. There's not much point to any relationship without communication and every relationship expert would agree on that. If you think I'm talking about him calling me constantly just for the sake of "chatting", I'm not. I mean if there's a problem or things get tense and there is no communication you can't then get through that, can you? It just sits there unresolved until one of you breaks. And maybe that means I'm lacking in the communication department too, but it doesn't mean I think it's any less important. Without communication you also don't know where you stand or what is happening in the relationship. I would get daily texts from the guy just telling me about his day. This told me nothing about where we stood or when I might even see him again and this is important when you live in different towns. I didn't like having to be the one always having to initiate plans.

I never "go off" on people and expect them to respond well either. I do my very best to keep rational even when I'm angry. I do not say things I don't mean out of anger, but if there's an issue I will say it in the most constructive way I know how. If telling someone that you're not happy with something is pushing them away, rather than being assertive and giving them the option to stop doing it, then I would say that person isn't worth being with anyway. If someone ignores me when I'm talking to them (something he has done) and I just say nothing, how exactly am I placing any value on myself? Don't I deserve to have someone's full attention when I'm talking to them? And if I say nothing then what's to stop them doing it over and over again and making me feel awful and not want to open my mouth at all?? And I'm not talking about ignoring me when I'm upset over something, I'm talking about regular conversation topics. It doesn't have to be made into a big issue, but it should definitely be addressed. What kind of self worth are you placing on yourself if you allow someone to just ignore you when you're talking? I'm afraid that not everything in relationships IS positive. Problems arise all the time. You can't just ignore them for fear the person will not accept how you feel. Don't you see how unfair that would be if you raised an issue with your bf and he just said, "That's not my problem". Relationships are about working together to make it work. I admit that maybe I am creating or imagining issues that aren't there, but I don't know how to recognise them yet. What you're saying appears to be a very broad opinion of how relationships should be though and I don't agree with you on that. No relationship is perfect.

As for saying I ramble out everything that goes through my head and expect sympathy - that's another assumption you're making based on a very small amount of information. I try to say the things I feel are important and need to be resolved. In general I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all. If I was just shouting about how I feel all the time then yes I can see where you're coming from, but that has not been the case in this situation so it doesn't apply.

And finally, I have heard back from the guy today and he has tried to turn things back around again it seems and is saying he's got a lot going on and I should give things time to grow. Clearly he still wants us to see each other despite the obvious fact that I am not coping with the way things are. I have tried to stay strong though and told him I'm not ready to be involved with anyone and he's better off with someone more laid back and with lower expectations. It's a hard thing for me to do considering my attachment to him but I guess it's for the best.

That's great that he called you back. That shows he really likes you.

My only point is that we as women think the same way as men and they don't understand us and never will. Communication is important but if he tells you he is having a hard time at work, that is communication. You have to be understanding as well. People have different ways of communicating. Not responding is communicating.

Men communicate differently. Sometimes silence is communication. Being able to be content together in total silence is beautiful. When I tell you that nobody likes problems, confrontations, and criticisms that is not lack of support for you, it is total support for your success. You have a problem with my communication of my feelings, why? Because it is critical.

You see how my critical support of you feels ugly. That is my point. I may be 100% correct but what does that matter if all I do is annoy you. Keep your issues and complaints with those you care about to a minimum friend and only for issues that are truly valid, such as clear violations of respect. Needing validation and reassurance should simply tell you that you shouldn't be giving so much on your end.

He's not perfect and neither are you. I could be more imperfect than both of you. That is ok. Don't we all want to be appreciated for who we are?