Whar is this behaviour about???

I've been seeing a guy for about 6 weeks and we seem to have fallen into some pseudo relationship. The way he talks it's as if he thinks we are already in a long-term relationship but we only see each other once a week since we live in different towns.

On our first date we just went out for drinks and since then he hasn't taken me out again. Whenever I ask him if we're doing something on the weekend he says yeah but never makes plans. He often tells me to just come over and we'll decide from there, but we never end up doing anything and I'm getting frustrated. I hate having to push him to take me out and I can't understand why he can't organise something without me having to help him. I don't feel particularly special travelling all the way to see him only to have him leave it up to me what we do. Obviously he isn't fussed about going out but I don't think it's healthy to have a relationship that exists solely inside of one room. I find it very suffocating.

I have given him hints about films I want to see and what I want to do, but he doesn't bother to check film times and have something planned for when I get there. I don't know how to feel about this at all or what this behaviour says about him. When I go out of my way to visit someone, I think it'd be nice to have them make an effort and plan something I would enjoy doing. I don't know how to talk to him about this without being critical but it really makes me feel unappreciated. Is that silly or are these feelings valid?

This past weekend I had been travelling about all day before I went to his place and I felt so disappointed to get to his place and see he couldn't even be bothered to tidy his room and when I complained about not going out he said it's up to me...I couldn't even get him to decide on what day he wanted to see me initially. He just said I could see him whenever I want to.

Apparently this guy wants you to take all the control in the relationship...when he says its up to you did you suggest something?

This relationship is pretty new so as there are no deep feelings involved...you could tell him just what you said that you would appreciate some initiative and that youre outgoing type of person and blah blah
in a nice way maybe when you chill together

and if he doesnt get it and youre not happy...move on cause maybe your personalities just dont match

I dunno, there MAY be deep feelings involved. I've been trying not to get too intense but when we see each other we are spending long periods of time together - unlike most people at this stage might just go out and do something for a few hours and then part - I'm staying over at his place and leaving at some point the next day. I worry that this type of arrangement has made things appear more serious than they are at this point and maybe that's why he's so passive, like he's already at the stage that we just do whatever instead of trying to "woo" me. But he didn't woo me in the first place so I feel like we've skipped a huge chunk and I feel a bit cheated. Probably my fault though for not being more assertive about that in the beginning...I did make comments about it, but since he's obviously happy to stay in bed and watch movies he leaves it to me to push the issue. I'm just not comfortable with that though.

I have told him that perhaps we should cool things right down and spend less time at his place from now on. It's hard to backtrack, but I feel like he's becoming complacent and lazy too soon when I haven't even decided if I want a relationship with him or not. It's difficult once you've already slept together but I guess I'm going to have to just go home and not stay at his place anymore as he seems to be showing laziness in more areas than just going out and doing things...he ignores me when I'm talking sometimes, doesn't ask about my life and at times seems more interested in watching tv than talking to me. I think maybe if he knows he has limited time with me and I'm not just going to hang out in his room all night and day then he will pay more attention to me - as he should. Still feels like once he gets comfortable he just gets lazy and I'm not sure if I like the idea of that...

Any thoughts?

Ok my opinion he got wayyyy comfortable with this wayyy fast...by the way it sounds hes more into finding someone help him do things around the house and clean???

if he was already looking for a relationship he MIGHT think its ok to just jump straight into things but that makes me question his motives for a relationship anyway. Did you discuss this with him like what is he searching in a relationship? just to see youre on the same side of things?

cause it could create problems later for a couple when things are not clear as to what the 2 partners want/need
i suggest you cool things off but not cut him off...just maybe tell him youre searching for someone to also do fun stuff with/ hang out/ stuff like that and ask him if hes willing to do that on a regular basis

then you could meet in the middle and sometimes also do what he likes aka watch movies at home/talk

so tell him these things and see what he says maybe? communication is super important...

idk im not very good with this but just saying...you could say look dude i like you i think we can make this work but maybe some days we could also do stuff that i enjoy and make me feel appreciated...
cause youre not his mom youre his gf you do deserve someone on the same wavelength

Well he lives in a shared house so it's not like I help with anything around the house - I just stay in his room. It's weird because I would have thought he'd have wanted to introduce me to his housemates if I'm there every weekend. It becomes suffocating sometimes as well when I get there and his room is an absolute mess and then I've gotta stay in that one room for hours. Ugh.

I think he was looking for a relationship but I don't know what kind. In the beginning I mentioned being unsure about the age gap (he's 13 years my senior) and he said he doesn't expect anything, he's just taking things as they come. But he has said he likes me a lot and I'm "special" - whatever that means. I keep wanting to ask what it is about me that makes me so special considering we've barely done anything with our time together. Yes we have a connection, but there's only limited stuff you can know about a person until you actually do more together.

I've tried to explain where I stand - that I'm open to a relationship but am not ready to get overly serious at the moment. I'm not entirely sure he gets it though as he keeps behaving as though I feel pressured and telling me he doesn't expect anything from me. Maybe it needs clarifying AGAIN when I see him. I don't know why he doesn't get it.

I think he has such a busy week with a labour intensive job that he likes to just chill out mostly on the weekends. He's open to doing things but he's not fussed. The issue is that he's not considering what I might want but I think he's starting to realise that I need more than just lie around in bed. I wouldn't even do that at my own home. He's not a great communicator so it does get frustrating so I guess there's that issue already in the background. I was ready to just walk away but I guess I should try talk to him and see if he's capable of thinking of my needs for once.

deethebee wrote:Well he lives in a shared house so it's not like I help with anything around the house - I just stay in his room. It's weird because I would have thought he'd have wanted to introduce me to his housemates if I'm there every weekend. It becomes suffocating sometimes as well when I get there and his room is an absolute mess and then I've gotta stay in that one room for hours. Ugh.

I think he was looking for a relationship but I don't know what kind. In the beginning I mentioned being unsure about the age gap (he's 13 years my senior) and he said he doesn't expect anything, he's just taking things as they come. But he has said he likes me a lot and I'm "special" - whatever that means. I keep wanting to ask what it is about me that makes me so special considering we've barely done anything with our time together. Yes we have a connection, but there's only limited stuff you can know about a person until you actually do more together.

I've tried to explain where I stand - that I'm open to a relationship but am not ready to get overly serious at the moment. I'm not entirely sure he gets it though as he keeps behaving as though I feel pressured and telling me he doesn't expect anything from me. Maybe it needs clarifying AGAIN when I see him. I don't know why he doesn't get it.

I think he has such a busy week with a labour intensive job that he likes to just chill out mostly on the weekends. He's open to doing things but he's not fussed. The issue is that he's not considering what I might want but I think he's starting to realise that I need more than just lie around in bed. I wouldn't even do that at my own home. He's not a great communicator so it does get frustrating so I guess there's that issue already in the background. I was ready to just walk away but I guess I should try talk to him and see if he's capable of thinking of my needs for once.

hey. you sound very frustrated with this whole thing
oh so he works a lot eh? some guys that work a lot dont really want to go out much during their free time and prefer to rest...depends on the person really

you need to decide what you want. if you tell him you want him to take the initiative to go out more and and stuff and it just doesnt get through to him and you are not HAPPY with how things go

then leave him...its only been 6 weeks and you may find a better match, someone more outgoing that fits your style better...he seems like he really annoys you and thats not a very good start is it?

do you have BPD? idk but i think i saw your username there??

anyway i have that and it took ages until i learned how to set boundaries for myself
its important to actually relate to the person not only to have a connection for a relationship to work
you need stuff in common and to talk the same 'language'

if it were me (just ME) i wouldnt think its worth it to have issues so soon into the relationship

Yep I have been frustrated, and yes I have BPD so the whole thing has not been easy for me at all. I've been very close to ending it a couple of times already, but I guess his attitude is what keeps me giving it another go. I'm used to guys who just say, "Oh well let's not bother seeing each other anymore then..." but he seems to actually want to try to improve.

We have had a bit of a text conversation about it...not ideal but that's his preferred form of communication so I've tried to tell him briefly how I feel and he's agreed we should cool it and go out and do more things together. It just remains to be seen whether or not he will take the initiative to organise something. I haven't asked him about his plans this weekend and usually I would be the one to initiate conversation about it so I will leave it to him now. If he wants to see me I'll ask if he can plan something, but I want him to realise that unless he makes the effort he's not going to get to see me.

I mean, he's outgoing when it comes to his friends. He gets an invite and he goes even if he's really tired but he doesn't seem to initiate plans, he just does whatever his mates are doing so I guess he's not used to having to make plans. I don't know how long it's been since he dated someone before me so maybe he's just not using his brain.

You're right that it's not great to have issues so early on...but I always have issues early on with everyone so it's hard to tell if it's them or the BPD, you know? I've been single for such a LONG time and I am always very quick to end things if I get upset. I'm trying to do things differently this time...he may not be the right guy for me but we're still figuring out what we have in common so it's really difficult. Men are rubbish communicators and I find it hard to express my needs so there never seems to be an idea situation you know? I don't know if I relate to him and vice versa...it's tough to figure it out.

deethebee wrote:
You're right that it's not great to have issues so early on...but I always have issues early on with everyone so it's hard to tell if it's them or the BPD, you know? I've been single for such a LONG time and I am always very quick to end things if I get upset. I'm trying to do things differently this time...he may not be the right guy for me but we're still figuring out what we have in common so it's really difficult. Men are rubbish communicators and I find it hard to express my needs so there never seems to be an idea situation you know? I don't know if I relate to him and vice versa...it's tough to figure it out.

Men ARE rubbish communicators many times yes...agree...what i noticed most of them just dont want drama
if youre nice and fun to be around they cool with that
most men dont look for a lot of things just a nice and fun girl who understand them
i think sometimes its us who makes things soo much more complicated...

yea he seems used to just go along with plans not making them...he agreed thats cool
try not to get angry at him like a lot...maybe he doesnt know how to act else for now

It's still so irritating to be completely ignored or interrupted when you're talking, even if they are men and are generally poor communicators. When he wants to talk about himself, hell, he can talk!!

I have tried to be fun to be around and as easy going as possible, but it's hard to do that when the guy isn't making an effort. Makes me feel devalued as a person and then I just feel crappy around that person. I'm not sure I can ever understand men!!

I do try not to get angry with him too much...or at least to let myself cool down before saying anything. Sometimes I wonder if they don't imagine the drama though. I had a text from him the one morning (obviously sent before he went to work) and I replied later on while he was AT work. It was quite tense but I then get a reply from him saying he can't talk now as he's got a lot of work to do...as if I was pressuring him to drop everything and answer me!! I said nothing of the sort and that's the great thing about texting - each person replies in their own time. It annoyed me that he would think that I'm really that unreasonable and I did soon set him straight, but that was like he was imagining pressure that I wasn't putting on him you know? He didn't even have to READ the messages if he was busy!!

Anyway thanks for listening to me. It's been a great help and fingers crossed things improve

deethebee wrote:It's still so irritating to be completely ignored or interrupted when you're talking, even if they are men and are generally poor communicators. When he wants to talk about himself, hell, he can talk!!

I have tried to be fun to be around and as easy going as possible, but it's hard to do that when the guy isn't making an effort. Makes me feel devalued as a person and then I just feel crappy around that person. I'm not sure I can ever understand men!!

I do try not to get angry with him too much...or at least to let myself cool down before saying anything. Sometimes I wonder if they don't imagine the drama though. I had a text from him the one morning (obviously sent before he went to work) and I replied later on while he was AT work. It was quite tense but I then get a reply from him saying he can't talk now as he's got a lot of work to do...as if I was pressuring him to drop everything and answer me!! I said nothing of the sort and that's the great thing about texting - each person replies in their own time. It annoyed me that he would think that I'm really that unreasonable and I did soon set him straight, but that was like he was imagining pressure that I wasn't putting on him you know? He didn't even have to READ the messages if he was busy!!

Anyway thanks for listening to me. It's been a great help and fingers crossed things improve

no problem
i have guy friends and yes they can talk a lot about themselves but when it comes to listening/ pay attention..lol things change but ik they try and most of them are very busy too
he must be quite observant if he did reply to your text to calm you down tho..even if it was not needed

i dont understand men either
i just take them as they are...lolz

and dont try to be fun...be yourself and he should like that if he likes you cause its a relationship and sooner or later things will show
im sure youre a fun person if he likes you tho and this shows cause you wanna go out do stuff...

and you welcome anytime (: