Is he doing more damage than good?

I really need an objective view on my current relationship. And to rant a bit, so be warned.

So, I met him off of a dating website right after I'd broken up with a guy I'd dated for a month. We'd chatted a bit over the months, but nothing too personal. After that break-up, I finally started taking the possibility of meeting him seriously. Soon after, we met up. First date was at his apartment. We talked for hours and eventually did have sex.

A couple nights later, the same thing happens. In our post-coital bliss, we started getting more emotionally intimate. I learned about his separation and this lengthy divorce that he's going through, though he has no money, children, or property with the woman. I think I should have gotten the heck outta dodge then, but I didn't. They'd been married about one year, then have been separated for about two years. It seems like neither of them want to deal with the paperwork, or some BS like that.

He's 25, I'm 18. I would like to believe I'm more mature than my age, though (completely independent of my parents and well on my way to a nursing career). Just throwing that out there, so I know he's gotten far more experience in life than myself.

Anyway. We've been dating for about 6 months. He's seen me through some rough times. He knows about my history of disordered eating, my perpetual cutting, and my insecurities. I absolutely love him - I'm not obsessed, or infatuated, I just have these wonderful genuine feelings towards him. He's helping me learn how to cook, working out with me, challenging my chess skills, making me laugh, and just being a "rock" throughout this horrible time of college, aha. His parents know about me, but haven't met me as they live a couple hours away. I sleep over at his place a couple times a week and we go out about once a week, not counting the gym.

But, I said those words, "I love you", during sex, rather loudly recently. I might have told him that drunkenly once, but this time was sober, though high off of endorphins. He's terrified to love again. Apparently he loved a gal that he dated for a couple months after his separation and then she left him out of the blue. He's got so much damage. Then there's the part of me that wants to scream, "If you could love her, why can't you love me?

I'm trying to be so patient with him. When we discussed what I'd said, he said that he just didn't want to hurt me. :\ He still holds me tightly and hasn't changed at all, but obviously it hurts that he wasn't as receptive to it as I would have liked. It wasn't smart of me to say it during sex, but I'm so frightened to say it when I'm not uninhibited. I don't even know if I SHOULD express my feelings.

Constantly, I'm worried that he doesn't want me and that he's looking for other women. He left his dating account open once on his computer and I did read through a message thread that was, in short, emotionally cheating. It devastated me, but we never discussed it. Then there's the fact that he still has the account, whether or not it says he's seeing someone...

It feels like I "need" him, but that I am disposable to him. I feel like we're in this state of perpetual dating and our relationship is sloooooooowly growing.

So, in short does it seem like this relationship is more destructive to me than good, or...? Gahhh.

It sounds like the rational part of your brain is picking up on the clues and red flags. You love him and what he means to you and want to form an emotional attachment. He wants you to be there for him in the ways he wants without him having to risk the same sort of emotional investment and consequential damage he has had before. Even if you are more mature for your age, where he is at in life and what he wants out of the relationship are different right now independent of maturity. You are quite possibly more emotionally mature right now than he is, specifically because he's had his emotional attachments turn around and damage him. He may even feel used, and now want to use... because it's less risk.

Ashlar wrote:You are quite possibly more emotionally mature right now than he is, specifically because he's had his emotional attachments turn around and damage him.

Ehhh, I seriously doubt that. A young woman trying to prove that she's "all grown up" is a red flag for me that she has significant room for personal maturation. I'm not criticizing, but at the same time let's not inflate the young woman's ego and put thoughts into her head unnecessarily that aren't in the least bit true.

reinheart wrote:He's terrified to love again. Apparently he loved a gal that he dated for a couple months after his separation and then she left him out of the blue. He's got so much damage.

Would you care to elaborate?

reinheart wrote:So, in short does it seem like this relationship is more destructive to me than good, or...? Gahhh.

This relationship is "destructive" to you how precisely? It reads as though you're dissatisfied with certain elements, but none of those elements can necessarily be classified as being "destructive".

Is this "destructiveness" somehow related to your history with eating disorders, self-injury, and insecurity?

reindoubt wrote:It feels like I "need" him, but that I am disposable to him. I feel like we're in this state of perpetual dating and our relationship is sloooooooowly growing.

So, in short does it seem like this relationship is more destructive to me than good, or...? Gahhh.

You're never going to be a serious thing to him. I've been that guy, I've used that excuse. May even have believed it to be true a bit, but it really wasn't.

You're a young girl, the way you conduct yourself in relationships has all the trappings of someone who hasn't yet learned to handle herself like a woman.

If I were you I'd dump him, let it hurt for a bit and take your learnings into the next relationship.

ScienceAndCake wrote:You're never going to be a serious thing to him. I've been that guy, I've used that excuse. May even have believed it to be true a bit, but it really wasn't.

You're a young girl, the way you conduct yourself in relationships has all the trappings of someone who hasn't yet learned to handle herself like a woman.

If I were you I'd dump him, let it hurt for a bit and take your learnings into the next relationship.

Ehh, I haven't read anything in her post that indicates that to be true. In fact, this guy's marriage history shows that he is a person willing to make a commitment. What makes you think that besides your own personal behaviors?

I'm not really criticizing you, but again let's not put unnecessary, delusional thoughts into her head. It reads as though she already has some psychological issues based solely on the eating disorders, self-injury, insecurity bit.

Kabuhi wrote:Ehh, I haven't read anything in her post that indicates that to be true. In fact, this guy's marriage history shows that he is a person willing to make a commitment. What makes you think that besides your own personal behaviors?

I'm not going to be justifying my post to you; my gut feeling about the situation is essentially the same as reindoubt's, if I was her I'd be heading for the hills.

ScienceAndCake wrote:

Kabuhi wrote:Ehh, I haven't read anything in her post that indicates that to be true. In fact, this guy's marriage history shows that he is a person willing to make a commitment. What makes you think that besides your own personal behaviors?

I'm not going to be justifying my post to you; my gut feeling about the situation is essentially the same as reindoubt's, if I was her I'd be heading for the hills.

That's fine.

I don't see any strong indications at this point that he's simply using you, reindoubt, or that you need to run to the hills. In fact, I see little to no destructiveness on his part unless there's something pertinent you've left out. It reads as though any existing destructiveness might be in your head or created on your part, especially since you have a self-admitted prior history toward destructiveness.

Just my two cents.

Kabuhi wrote:In fact, this guy's marriage history shows that he is a person willing to make a commitment.

That's the opposite of my conclusion from the same information.

Hi reindoubt,
I am a bit old fashioned I am 62. That being said, does not mean I was not there where you are. Experience is the greatest teacher so I will speak from my own experience. You told him you loved him. I know your emotions got the best of you so he has you where he wants you but you do not have him where you want him. Does that make sense? A man can use a woman for sex without any serious commitment. Since he has left himself open to finding others should tell you that he has not found her yet or he may think that if it does not work out between the 2 of you he can have others on standby. If he is not emotionally connected to you, he has a way out. Is it possible for you to see him without having sex? Can you tell him that you thought things over and having sex with him the first night may have not been the right thing. Tell him that you would rather not have sex with him unless there is a commitment. Do you know what he does when he is not with you?? Does it seem he makes a date with you certain nights of the week or is it spur of the moment? I don't think you want to be used. I would not tell him you love him anymore as he may find an excuse to bail out as you are pressuring him before he is ready. That is my advice. You can take it or leave it.

Ashlar wrote:

Kabuhi wrote:In fact, this guy's marriage history shows that he is a person willing to make a commitment.

That's the opposite of my conclusion from the same information.

Marriage is a heavy commitment, Ashlar. The length doesn't matter absent of more detailed information because that could have been caused by numerous reasonable factors, including the wife initiating the separation. That he doesn't file the paperwork necessary to get a divorce is somewhat interesting though, albeit not overly suspicious.

tryingtocope2 wrote:Since he has left himself open to finding others should tell you that he has not found her yet or he may think that if it does not work out between the 2 of you he can have others on standby.

I read that as possibly being the OP's own interpretation of the situation and a projection her own insecurities. Understand that he wasn't caught sexting, propositioning for sex, or sharing lewd photos. He was caught "emotionally cheating" whatever that means in the OP's mind. Somehow this claim that he was "emotional cheating" doesn't immediately raise red flags for me. More details might be needed to do that for me.