My low sex drive is affecting my relationship - HELP!

For the past two months or so, I've been losing interest in sex more and more. I just don't care for it. Its not that I don't want it altogether but i only want it here and there... not even once a week. My boyfriend is 28 and literally lost his virginity to me about a year and a half ago so his sex life has still just begun.

Lately I've been doing little stuff for like a minute or two and he's saying I'm teasing him. He's actually bothered by it. When I do little stuff, I don't mean to be sending him the message that I want sex but apparently, that is what he is thinking so when i stop doing whatever it is I'm doing he gets upset and says I'm a tease.

He said tonight that he has been mentally adjusting to not having sex and not expecting it. I feel like since he is still new to sex, I am messing him up if he's convincing himself of this stuff. I feel like Im going to have to force myself to have sex with him and kind of pretend I'm into it...

anyone else go through this kind of dilemma?

noreally_imfine wrote:anyone else go through this kind of dilemma?

Yep. I didn't fancy her that much. If you get into a relationship with someone you don't fancy all that much you always reach a point where you no longer want to have sex with them. One day you wake up and realise you never want to have sex with them ever again.

At this point are you turned on by him at all? If not could there be any reasons why not?

ScienceAndCake wrote:

noreally_imfine wrote:anyone else go through this kind of dilemma?

Yep. I didn't fancy her that much. If you get into a relationship with someone you don't fancy all that much you always reach a point where you no longer want to have sex with them. One day you wake up and realise you never want to have sex with them ever again.

At this point are you turned on by him at all? If not could there be any reasons why not?

I've always wondered if its the physical attraction. I find my boyfriend more cute/adorable than sexy and handsome. But i love him and his body but still more in a cutesy kind of way. I've always felt sex to be more routine like. In past relationships I've always let the guy be in control and now, since I'm the one who's had more experience, i feel like IM supposed to be in control and don't know a damn thing to do! I like be submissive when it comes to sex. Maybe his lack of experience bores me too. In fact, i know it does and I'm a bad teacher at telling him what to do. When i tell him what to do, he says he sometimes does it or tries to and i still dismiss it?

I know that making out is one way i almost always get physically aroused. I can have great sex with him but its more once in a blue moon.

I honestly don't want the fact that I only find him cute/adorable to be a reason to believe it won't work out between us. I don't want to ever be in a relationship with a guy who is too attractive. 1) i have a VERY low self esteem. 2) i find them to be jerks more often and full of themselves. the more attractive, the uglier they really are in my opinion. I do find my boyfriend beautiful in a very unique way.

noreally_imfine wrote:I honestly don't want the fact that I only find him cute/adorable to be a reason to believe it won't work out between us. I don't want to ever be in a relationship with a guy who is too attractive. 1) i have a VERY low self esteem. 2) i find them to be jerks more often and full of themselves. the more attractive, the uglier they really are in my opinion. I do find my boyfriend beautiful in a very unique way.

With respect, it doesn't sound to me like you're attracted to him anymore, and that you want the relationship more than you want him.

I've had a few relationships go this way, and the first couple of times I felt extremely bad, because you're ultimately considering ending a good relationship with a person you love simply because you're not attracted to them anymore. But as much as it doesn't seem like a noble thing to do, sometimes it's impossible to do anything else if you want to live happily.

Again, with respect that situation where you're teaching a very inexperienced partner sounds like my idea of hell. It's also really common; a pattern of behaviour that repeats itself endlessly in the field of relationships is getting with a partner, finding out that you like them apart from the lack of sexual chemistry, and simply letting the sex go to hell in exchange for an easy life. But lack of sexual fulfillment twists us all up inside, it grows like a rot, slowly enough that by the time it reaches breaking point we're terrified at how much of our lives we've thrown away.

I won't give you any advice on how to "mend" things between you. People bleet and talk nonsense about increased communication, understanding one another and a load of other things that have no impact on your libido. The only thing I'll say is that you need to take some alone time to really consider the scale of this obstacle. Let's say you went away from your boyfriend for 2 days, and just had some time totally on your own - do you think that you might suddenly realise that you actually don't want to continue this way?

noreally_imfine wrote:In past relationships I've always let the guy be in control and now, since I'm the one who's had more experience, i feel like IM supposed to be in control and don't know a damn thing to do! I like be submissive when it comes to sex.

Well that's not good obviously. There are exceptions, but generally women don't like to feel like they're in control especially regarding sex. Women get turned on more by being "ravished" by a strong, dominant man and men get more turned on by being aggressive and "taking what they want". In hindsight, these two dispositions actually compliment each other quite nicely when acted upon in a mutually consensual way.

In fact, i know it does and I'm a bad teacher at telling him what to do. When i tell him what to do, he says he sometimes does it or tries to and i still dismiss it?

Yeah, so maybe stop doing that.

I don't want to ever be in a relationship with a guy who is too attractive. 1) i have a VERY low self esteem. 2) i find them to be jerks more often and full of themselves. the more attractive, the uglier they really are in my opinion. I do find my boyfriend beautiful in a very unique way.

Then why not try to build your current BF up to be the dominant male that you seek? I don't know why women don't try this method more often. It obviously requires vivid goal setting, long-term planning, non-aggressive, mutually beneficial communication and interpersonal skills, etc. but many of the masculine traits that women find attractive can be developed or taught. If he too skinny, persuade him to lift weights and eat more. If he slouches, then persuade him to stand up tall and straight. If he's doesn't take the lead enough, encourage him to make quick decisions and worry less about whether he's right or wrong. If he lacks confidence, inform that he is no less than anyone else and that what other people think is no more valid than what he thinks.

I've seen many women nag and complain, but I've never actually seen a woman putting the same time and investment better spent into helping their lover "better himself". It's true that men typically possess a disposition toward one or the other. The end result, however, could be that you end up with a guy who has the aggressive, dominant traits that the attractive "jerks" possess but also retains the responsible "good guy" traits that he probably already possesses. Isn't that what most women want in a partner? The solution is right in front of you, but obviously you have to execute properly. The good part is that you can help a "nice guy" develop "jerk" traits because generally they're more thoughtful and cooperative. You can't really impose "nice guy" traits on a "jerk" because they're more self-centered and care less about what you want.

Then again, maybe the entire act of having to teach a guy in the first place is turn off for you. Maybe that's why more women don't take this approach.

Kabuhi wrote:Then why not try to build your current BF up to be the dominant male that you seek?
...
I've seen many women nag and complain, but I've never actually seen a woman putting the same time and investment better spent into helping their lover "better himself".

Good ideas.

In fact, why should be bother wiping his arse? He should just bend over when he's done and she can deal with that too.

Your partner isn't your bloody mother.

ScienceAndCake wrote:

Kabuhi wrote:Then why not try to build your current BF up to be the dominant male that you seek?
...
I've seen many women nag and complain, but I've never actually seen a woman putting the same time and investment better spent into helping their lover "better himself".

Good ideas.

In fact, why should be bother wiping his arse? He should just bend over when he's done and she can deal with that too.

Your partner isn't your bloody mother.

Nice strawman argument. Why shouldn't a girlfriend support her boyfriend? It seems like common sense to me. It's not about being your partner's mother; it's about trying to give back and be a positive influence, rather than simply being a parasite trying to build your own self-esteem and tearing him down. If you're constantly tearing him down, how is he possibly going to be the type of man you're attracted to huh? Again, this is simply common sense for how a good partner behaves. A woman who's not willing to share happiness or assist others in finding happiness doesn't deserve happiness herself. Go with the jerks then.

In this scenario, the selfless woman benefits herself from her willingness to help others, even at her own expense and vulnerability. She ends up with a good guy who she's also sexually attracted to; the best of both worlds. Why not stick with one guy and build him up rather hopping from one guy to the next hoping to somehow win the sexual mate lottery? Of course, she wouldn't personally be building him up. She'd persuade and encourage him, but he'd the one building himself up.

Why not give it a try or would the thought of continuing a relationship with this guy simply be too repulsive to you on the off-chance that he could improve with positive support? Is it that you think it's unlikely or impossible? You simply don't want to bothered to help your partner? Why is this way of thinking so averse to you (that I'll help my boyfriend become a man more attractive to women)? Tell me honestly. I'd really like to learn what going on in your mind because I don't have a clue and I'm not a mind-reader.

Kabuhi wrote:Nice strawman argument.

Funny how this can sound like a baseless attempt at evasion when it's not followed by any description of why you feel I misrepresented what you said. Almost as if you're simply using the phrase "Nice strawman argument" when actually you know full well I made no attempt to redefine your argument or attribute a different argument to you.

Kabuhi wrote:Why shouldn't a girlfriend support her boyfriend? It seems like common sense to me. It's not about being your partner's mother; it's about trying to give back and be a positive influence, rather than simply being a parasite trying to build your own self-esteem and tearing him down. If you're constantly tearing him down, how is he possibly going to be the type of man you're attracted to huh?

I never mentioned one partner tearing into the self esteem of another. When a partner negatively and deliberately attacks the self esteem of the person they are with this is usually an extremely negative sign that you're not in any sort of normal relationship. Unfortunately the opposite, where a partner needs "building up" would be a bad sign, although in my opinion nowhere near as bad as the former.

Kabuhi wrote:Again, this is simply common sense for how a good partner behaves. A woman who's not willing to share happiness or assist others in finding happiness doesn't deserve happiness herself. Go with the jerks then.

You're slowly trying to change the topic of discussion from the highly specific, fundamental personality change I originally rose objections about to a much more general supportiveness. Allow me to remind you of the specific thing I was objecting to, which I hope you can see is very different to what you're describing.

Kahubi wrote:Then why not try to build your current BF up to be the dominant male that you seek?

Fortunately you do lapse back into your original rhetoric, so the debate can resume.

Kahubi wrote:In this scenario, the selfless woman benefits herself from her willingness to help others, even at her own expense and vulnerability. She ends up with a good guy who she's also sexually attracted to; the best of both worlds. Why not stick with one guy and build him up*1 rather hopping from one guy to the next hoping to somehow win the sexual mate lottery*2? Of course, she wouldn't personally be building him up. She'd persuade and encourage him, but he'd the one building himself up.*3

1. Because she's not his bloody mother. You don't seem to have extracted the poignant piece of information from this so I'll make it apparent with an addendum - "Because she's not his bloody mother - and she probably doesn't want to be either"

2. It's not equivalent to winning the lottery. Finding a person you have chemistry with is relatively easy, unfortunately people are often confused or don't have purity of purpose when seeking a partner, so they'll get into an unhealthy scenario.

3. If this were true he'd have arrived like that

I'll add an aside, this is purely a matter of my experience but I think most people will agree there's some truth to it - it doesn't actually work the way you're describing. One of the most common mistakes in relationships, especially true for women, is that they'll get a partner and try to do exactly what you're describing, and there's always one outcome - it never works. A change in attitude actually comes from within, 100% of the time, and simply being asked or even encouraged, positively or negatively, simply doesn't work. Very often it's younger, inexperienced women, and by the time they've done it a few times they'll learn to stay well clear of men who failed to grow up.

And finally, there's a certain deranged sexism in your view of a woman's role that sits very uneasily with me. This concept of a woman building up a man smacks of a lazy misogyny that assumes the woman begins perfectly well adapted and, if she has the misfortune of landing with a manchild, has to somehow transfer her universally well adapted state onto the man. It assumes women should be ending up in relationships they're not happy with and then making the best of them, and it takes a huge dump on women who have busy careers or who are dominant themselves and simply find the idea of helping a maladapted child figure out how to turn her on.

I'm going to leave you with a few of the things you've said that I think embody the sexism inherent in your view. They all suggest a certain obligation of women to men, and use guilt and shame as reasons for their enforcement.

Kahubi wrote:In this scenario, the selfless woman benefits herself from her willingness to help others, even at her own expense and vulnerability.

Kahubi wrote:stick with one guy and build him up rather hopping from one guy to the next

Kahubi wrote:Why not give it a try or would the thought of continuing a relationship with this guy simply be too repulsive

Kahubi wrote:You simply don't want to bothered to help your partner?
Why is this way of thinking so averse to you (that I'll help my boyfriend become a man more attractive to women)?

Dear ScienceAndCake,

I think you might have a case of the "we want what we can't have's". Because you are gettting sex all the time from your boyfriend at anytime you want is probably why you are getting bored.
You don't need to go into specifics, but the type of sex you are getting probably isn't exciting anymore I bet. Just in the bedroom I would guess? After a while, with anything we do in life, doing the same thing the same way just gets boring. If I could suggest, try talking about this with your boyfriend and ask him what he thinks. Maybe you need to try something a little more adventurous?
I think if you talk with him about how you are feeling and make the suggestion of trying out new things, your spark for him will hopefully be re-energized!

Distant Angel wrote:Dear ScienceAndCake,

I think you might have a case of the "we want what we can't have's". Because you are gettting sex all the time from your boyfriend at anytime you want is probably why you are getting bored.
You don't need to go into specifics, but the type of sex you are getting probably isn't exciting anymore I bet. Just in the bedroom I would guess? After a while, with anything we do in life, doing the same thing the same way just gets boring. If I could suggest, try talking about this with your boyfriend and ask him what he thinks. Maybe you need to try something a little more adventurous?
I think if you talk with him about how you are feeling and make the suggestion of trying out new things, your spark for him will hopefully be re-energized!

Swing and a miss on every single point.

Including my gender, hilariously.