Need some advice on how to approach this

Hi, I'm new to this forum, but I have a problem that I can't trust to anyone I know in person to talk about and keep it confidential. I have been in a long distance relationship with the girl I love for almost 3 years now. Previously we have lived apart from each other on separate coasts, but I have moved to where she lives so that we can be together in person rather than online. But I'm confused about her behavior changes online and in person. When we are online she is a dynamic, funny, smart, and willingly sexual person. We have had many online "dates" and she willingly talks about herself and how she feels when she doesn't have to actually look me in the eyes in person. We both talked extensively about my moving to where she lives so that we can be together in person and we both agreed that is what we wanted. I just moved in a couple of weeks ago, and now we are falling into the same problems we had a couple of years ago. A year after we started dating online I came to visit for a week to see how we felt about each other in person. When I arrived she was like a totally different person. She wouldn't look at me directly, wouldn't talk to me, flinched whenever I tried to touch her, and just generally avoided me like the plague for the whole week. I figured the relationship was over after she met me in person, and sure enough a few weeks later when I returned home she sent me a long letter online saying she wasn't ready for a real relationship. Two years later she messages me after no contact whatsoever and says she feels she is ready for a relationship now and regrets her earlier decision to leave me. We start talking again and when I finished school a year and a half later we agreed to move in together. But now that I am her we are falling into the same routine we did when I visited last time. She is more open to talking now, and she doesn't avoid me as much as she did before, but she still says that she doesn't feel like she is ready for a full relationship and feels we are more like best friends than boyfriend/girlfriend. However, I don't think her reaction is entirely honest. After talking with her friends and family I have learned that she has negative reactions to being touched or talking face to face even with her own family. Her own mother has to practically force her to hug her or talk to her. Online she has expressed to me that she is interested in a relationship and wants to be with me, but in person she retreats back to her old self. But here is the problem that I am having now. While trying to fix her internet connection one day while everyone was gone to town or working, I happened to stumble across her porn collection on her computer. I consider myself to be an open minded person and wasn't sure what I expected to find, but based on her personality I was definitely not expecting to find BDSM videos and Yaoi hentai videos and manga. The BDSM videos were wide ranged, everything from female dominated individuals strapped to tables and forced to sexual interaction with vibrators, men dominating women, either with just one man and one woman or multiple partners, lesbian strap on domination, homosexual domination between two or more men, and even fantasy rape videos. There were somewhere between 26-35 videos and her internet search history showed persistent searches for yaoi hentai. This puzzled me because normally she is such a closed off person that I wasn't expecting to find dominating type porn on her computer. It's likely that the rest of the family doesn't know about that side of her because no one else enters her room or uses her computer, and most of the family is mostly computer illiterate, so I'm not sure that any of them would know where to look to find the material. Now I am kind of at a loss as to how to approach the topic with her and find out if maybe she is pulling away from me in person because she is afraid I will leave her if I found out about her fetishes or if maybe she was expecting me to be more dominate in the relationship, and when I wasn't she started to become disinterested in a physical relationship because I wasn't sexually exciting for her. I want to talk to her about it and see if me knowing about this side of her changes her mind about not wanting to be with me, but I'm not sure how she will react and wanted to know if anyone here has experience with the BDSM fetish or knows someone who is who might be able to tell me how best to approach her about the topic. I know she has this material and watches it, but I don't know if her personality tags her as a submissive and wants a dominate partner, or if she likes watching the material because she wants a submissive partner but is afraid to ask me for that.

1. Don't bring up the porn. Unless you're going to tease her about it, nothing good will come out of it.

2. Get out of the friendzone immediately. Stop acting like her friend. You're not there to be her friend and do things that friends do. She has to validate herself to you otherwise you leave.

EDIT: You should also understand that there are 2 sides to a coin. You hold her responsible for her actions but, at the same time, there's probably about a 50/50 chance that she blames you for not being firm enough and leading her properly as her boyfriend should.

Relationships are not "equal". It may not be fair, but it's your duty to lead her. If you don't take charge of her right now, she'll look for someone else who does.

I appreciate the feedback. I wasn't sure I was going to bring up the porn issue until or if she decided on a physical relationship anyway. I will likely hold off on that until she either approaches me with that herself or it comes up during one of talks of her own accord. As far as taking control and "leading her as a boyfriend should" I don't know if that is the proper approach to take. Every time anyone has tried to lead her in a certain direction she has clammed up and retreated back to her sanctuary. And it's not like I haven't made it very clear to her that I intend on a full relationship. Sure, we hang out, we talk, and during most of the day we act like friends, but other times I have tried initiating physical contact or talking about relationship topics, but every time I do she just retreats from me again. When I asked her about why she keeps pulling away she said that she feels like she is broken and doesn't know what she can offer me in a relationship and also that she doesn't know if she is ready for a committed relationship or that she ever will be. As I said, I am trying to lead her and be the dominate one, but every time I do she just pulls away more.

zarthosfox wrote:Every time anyone has tried to lead her in a certain direction she has clammed up and retreated back to her sanctuary.

I'm guessing you haven't been there every time someone has tried to lead her in a certain direction, so you don't really know how she responds to authority in every situation. Maybe she just needs to get used to it.

And it's not like I haven't made it very clear to her that I intend on a full relationship.

That's not good. You've committed too soon by telling her that essentially giving her control. You also committed too soon by traveling across the country to be with her giving her even more control. You're going have to get that control back somehow if you want out of the friendzone she's put you in.

Sure, we hang out, we talk, and during most of the day we act like friends, but other times I have tried initiating physical contact or talking about relationship topics, but every time I do she just retreats from me again. When I asked her about why she keeps pulling away she said that she feels like she is broken and doesn't know what she can offer me in a relationship and also that she doesn't know if she is ready for a committed relationship or that she ever will be. As I said, I am trying to lead her and be the dominate one, but every time I do she just pulls away more.

When she pulls away the first time, you simply try act like it didn't happen and try again a few minutes later. If she pulls away again, don't apologize (why should you apologize?) and begin withholding affection from her until she comes to you. By following her when she pulls away, you're essentially ceding too much control to her. If she pulls away every time you try, then simply stop initiating physical contact altogether. The problem is not that's she broken or ready for a broken relationship. The problem is that you're being too nice to her and that she's not attracted to you because you've been friendzoned. The good news is that, if that's case, you can take action yourself to get out of the friendzone.

Your ultimate trump card, of course, is terminating the relationship because you're not getting what you want, but I don't know if still have that in your back pocket after your cross-country expedition.

I don't understand why you cannot be more forthcoming with your feelings about why you want to be in a romantic relationship with her. Instead of playing mind-reading games or cat-and-mouse, why not tell her the reasons why you like her but you don't know how she feels about you.

Mentioning the internet porn/yaoi would require a lot of delicacy.

I don't think there is a word that adequately describes how I would feel if a boyfriend/male friend found out about my interest in yaoi. Certain female friends, I have told, but somehow I don't think my male friends would appreciate the thought of anyone let alone a female being entertained by the thought of two guys making out, let alone having anal sex.

In any case, as long as you approach this from a "I care about you that is why I am bringing this up" rather than a "there is something wrong with you that needs to be addressed," I think she will be understanding.