Was I rejected because of my looks (feeling helpless)

Hi all

I am a mature student (age 34) that has enrolled at a college and is living with other students in a shared house. I have never been very successful with women but I don't let it show when around people. I'm upbeat etc.

To cut a story short, I was the first to move into my new student house. After 2 days a woman, also a mature student (age 29) moved in as well. We will call her Hayley. To my surprise she was going to be on the same course as me (Graphic Design). I was very polite with her and we started chatting about the course and course topic in general. I admit I found her very attractive but didn't hit on her in any way. I don't know if she sensed I was attracted to her but she might of. I asked her f she had a boyfriend and she said NO.

Anyway, she had to leave and go back to her real home for 2 days (200 miles away).

Then other people started moving in, mostly younger guys and 1 other girl. (5, people, 7 in total).

Fast forward 1 day the girl on my course (Hayley) returns and we all decide as a group of 7 to go out that night to bars and clubs (to get to know each other better and bond a little I guess). I was wanting to get to know Hayley but she dissapeerd with another guy from the student house not to be seen again by me that night. We shall call him Paul.

The night ends and we all go back home. 2 hours later Hayley comes in with her arms wrapped around Paul (he's 26). They started having loud sex that night in her room which made me feel like utter $#%^. Bear in mind they've only known each other for about 8 hours! Why couldn't it of been me I'm thinking.

A couple of days later she starts acting really moody with me for no reason, ignoring me, not wanting to be in the same room as me (student kitchen, living room) and then she said something to the other girl living in the flat that Paul (the guy in the house she hooked up with) was so much 'better' than me. She can't even walk with me to the campus at 8:30am every morning. Paul also starts being a macho dick with me, making fun of my appearance in front of the other guys.

I know I shouldn't be jealous, but this a recurring theme of my life: meet a girl and thinking she'll give you the time to get to know you better, only for her to ignore me completely and go of with another guy. I often feel its because of my looks that I'm instantly cancelled out. What else could it be if a girl doesn't give her time to get to know you?

[edited by mod Orion - sorry Bert no pics allowed on Psych Forums of yourself or others, in order to preserve your anonymity, and the privacy of the others]

Bert Parsnips wrote:What else could it be if a girl doesn't give her time to get to know you?

[edited by mod Orion - sorry Bert no pics allowed on Psych Forums of yourself or others, in order to preserve your anonymity, and the privacy of the others]

It could also be anything from your demeanor to your age. Maybe you weren't sexually suggestive enough when you first met her when obviously you could have been since she slept with a guy within 8 hours of meeting him. There was no need for the princess treatment or the "getting to know ya" phase. It doesn't take women very long to decide if they're interested in you or not.

You sound like you are living with some right cretins. I remember when I first went to university and I lived in halls and the people around me were the biggest cretins ever, it was awful. I don't envy you living with people who are not normal.
The fact that this girl was getting laid after only 8 hours kind of shows that she is interested in just sex and therefore is only interested in guys based on sex appeal. I know it hurts being rejected for one's looks - it has happened to me more times than I remember but the fact is that you have had a lucky escape, she sounds horrible, she has absolutely nothing about her, she doesn't deserve a nice guy.

I believe that the right people will find each other and if you are rejected by someone then you are not right for them and they are not right for you either. But never be hurt if you are rejected, it only means you do not match what they like, there is nothing ever to be hurt by for not matching what someone's mind likes.
There are always lots of people who are right for everyone, you will meet someone you really like who likes you back if you keep meeting people.

Bert,

Rejection can also be a downward spiral in which one is rejected, then expects to be rejected in the future, so a person may then avoid risk going forward, and project that they expect to be rejected. Others pick up on that too.

It is true enough that those with exceptional looks are less likely to be rejected, though surprisingly some also become super-sensitive to any hint of rejection. A case of having low/no tolerance for rejection.

In addition we men often confuse our 'lust' with traits that we attribute to women that are not really traits of their personality, but what we are wishing them to be. There may well be many women who are interested in getting to know you better, but possibly you aren't aware/open to them because you may be focusing attention on other women. Sometimes what drives our lust is wanting what we can't/don't have, and in doing so, miss out on relationships that could work, if we are open to them.

A woman hooked up with a man she just met. Do you just want her sexually or do you still have expectations of a relationship with her?

She is treating you badly because despite the fact that she is with another man, she realizes or believes that you are longing for her. She questions your judgement, but even worse she senses your insecurity and finds it repulsive. Women don't like that. She is obviously attracted to an alpha male type as most assertive women are. The more you continue that, the worse she and others will behave towards you.

I am a woman and can tell you that a sexually forward man, without any attraction is a big turn off, and even scary. A man a woman wants to throw our panties off for, knows how to get in a woman's head and make her feel good, without making her feel like a sex object. Even if it is just pretense.

A man doesn't have to be naturally good looking to be attractive, but he should certainly take care of himself. A healthy/fit person, is an attractive person. A sharp dresser is a bonus. If you are a man who does not have those qualities, but want a woman who does, then you have to have a ridiculously good personality.

Your problem isn't your looks. It is that you are too self concious and basically too self absorbed to understand others and have realistic expectations. You will never have anything with that lady, but learn for the next time. Stop objectifying women, and learn from socially successful people, and next time look for compatibility before you let your desires get the best of you.

Why would a girl want to have sex with a pathetic guy who tried to do the nice guy routine? If you want to have sex with a girl you have to hit on her. You literally said "I found her very attractive but didn't hit on her in any way". You hit on a girl to let her know she is hot and you want to have sex with her. What do you think Paul did? At age 34 you should know this stuff by now.

Do you have Asperger's and just not understand what you are supposed to do to get women to have sex with you? Start reading, there are lots of resources available for people, this is a great start: http://www.fastseduction.com/youarenew/

Paul took her out, they had fun, they had drinks, they laughed, she became sexually aroused and likely initiated the encounter LATER that evening. She may have met him 8 hours earlier, but he spent 8 hours seducing her. Obviously he has game. Which is much more than "hitting" on a woman. They had compatability (similar people) and he made her feel good with him. She is obviously attractive and smart because he stuck around after getting what he wanted.

I was in the supermarket yesterday. A man complimented me, that was nice. Then he did it again in the next isle, then he was behind me the entire shopping trip, until I was creeped out and left. There ia NOTHING "nice" about that. To his credit, he understood that there was no chance.

The first sign of rejection (like another man) should be a clear sign. Anything after that, will feel like a stalker. She will either use you to boost her value/ego. "He won't leave me alone Paul" or she will be creeped out.

There is no reason for you to have any interest in her.