Should my girlfriend be making more effort with me?

I've been with my girlfriend for 3 months now, but I'm starting to fear we may be encountering communication problems that need to be resolved. I'm 24 and she's 20.

My girlfriend is a very shy, laid-back and introverted person. Consequently, she very rarely shows her feelings towards me. She's even admitted herself that she's very 'stoic.' At first I saw this is a good quality as it meant her emotions are always in check - the last thing I need is someone who's constantly clingy and emotional.

But now I'm starting to worry as I'm getting virtually no affection from her at all. She rarely instigates conversations by text when we're apart or says she misses me, for example. If I don't contact her then after a few days I might get an impersonal "hi how are you" message, but lately our conversations have started to dry up. There's nothing to talk about other than work and her friends and I hate to admit that it's making me become bored. It just feels like we aren't connecting the same way anymore. What's bothering me the most, however, is that she very rarely asks to meet up, leaving me to do all the work - and she lives literally a minute's walk away down the road, to add insult to injury.

At first I didn't mind too much - after all, in the initial stages of dating it's all part of the fun of the chase. But now we're in a relationship I feel like she should be making more effort, and her lack of contact is making me feel very insecure and unwanted. I can't work out if it's her inherent personality, a lack of interest or her being less invested in the relationship than I am. Surely things should feel more equal in a relationship?

I've noticed she has a particularly close relationship with her mother, which could be partly to blame as I believe she spends more time going out on daytrips and on holiday with her mother than the average person of her age. Her mother doesn't see her father all that often due to different working times, so it's almost as if she has become more dependent on my girlfriend to fill the void.

I've been wanting to talk to her about it, but I've put it off over the past month as she's been heavily stressed with university work and exams. I tried to be understanding and support her as best as I could. Now all her work was over, I was hoping things would turn around. It feels like we've barely seen each other for the past month or so, so I was hoping she would show more interest at this point now she's free.

But if anything these past couple of weeks have been worse. Last week following her exams I bought her flowers and treated her to an expensive meal to cheer her up and show that I cared and know what it's meant for her. And yet instead of showing appreciation and making me feel loved and wanted we've had the usual pattern ever since: no contact for days followed by a "hi how are you" check-in message. Except this time I've not asked to meet up as I want to see how long it takes her to show the initiative.

I should also mention we have quite difficult schedules to work with, which doesn't help either. I work full time and she works on weekends. So if we meet on a weekend evening it's usually only for a couple of hours or so as she becomes too tired and needs to be up early. Again, she's worth it to me so I don't mind staying a bit longer on weeknights but it doesn't seem to bother her when she needs to go early. It's all become very frustrating for me considering how close we live to each other.

Despite all the negatives, I am very into her. She's a very nice, elegant and genuine girl that is rare to come by, so I don't want to lose her if I can help it.

Should I ask her to try and make more of an effort with me? If so, how do I do that without insulting her and looking needy? Any input would be much appreciated.

Visforvampire wrote:Should I ask her to try and make more of an effort with me? If so, how do I do that without insulting her and looking needy? Any input would be much appreciated.

If you want her to invite you to spend time with you more, I'd message her (Always use text messages for serious discussions, never verbal communication. Verbal communication with your girlfriend should always be fun, lively, and light-hearted, so that, firstly, she feels comfortable physically being around you and, secondly, enjoys being with you. The only times to use verbal communication for serious discussions are when she instigates, which she probably will eventually in all likelihood.) using these words, "I know you're an introverted, quiet, shy person but feel free to tell me if you'd like to meet up more often. You don't need to worry about entertaining me or anything like that. Really, I'd just like to spend more time together with you because I think you're a cool chick."

That might work or it might not. Since you're complimenting her, that might give her an incentive to try to reciprocate. It also addresses some personal concerns that she might have. Finally you're not revealing any emotions or personal insecurities that you're dealing with because doing so would make you come across as needy. Overall, it's a very polite, non-manipulative way of making a request and a subtle indication that you would like to escalate your relationship.

Thanks for the quick response! Sounds like good advice.

Interesting that you favour text over verbal communication for serious topics - I always thought it was the other way round since texts can often be misconstrued!

Visforvampire wrote:Thanks for the quick response! Sounds like good advice.

Interesting that you favour text over verbal communication for serious topics - I always thought it was the other way round since texts can often be misconstrued!

Serious text message conversation usually don't get misconstrued. Playful or flirty text messages are usually the ones that get misconstrued because they're purposefully vague or ambiguous. But does it really matter if a text message get misconstrued or not? Say she misreads a text message and get angry, is it really something that you can't rectify later either through another text or if necessary verbal communication if you wanted to? Text messages don't have the bite that verbal conversations have because they're impersonal and somewhat random. Verbal conversations are more powerful than text messages because you're talking to person face-to-face. Although text messages are powerful in that they tend to lead to greater mental reflection.

It's entirely up to you if you want resolve serious relationship matters face-to face and eventually you'll be forced to by your girlfriend most likely because she'll instigate and you'll respond then, but I recommend saving those togetherness moments to create positive bonding memories instead of negative ones. That way, even if you fight both of you will automatically understand that that's irrelevant when the two of you are together and that's a happy moment for you. All fighting or tension happens at a distance, lovey-dovey is done when physically together.

Again it's up to you, do what's comfortable for you and what makes sense for you. Maybe you're the type who actually derives enjoyment and excitement from constant bickering and verbal abuse with your lover or maybe your girlfriend is. That's fine if that works for you, but if that what you want that's what you're going to get. I'd save it for serious, relationship-ending transgressions like infidelity though.

Is there anything she's unhappy about maybe, or reasons why she doesn't feel she can/wants to be more affectionate ?

Well, that's half the problem. Because she's so easygoing and stoic, it's difficult to tell if she's feeling happy or not. She was very stressed about her university work however - she takes her work very seriously. But now that it's over I was hoping that would give her more courage to spend some more time together but I keep getting vibes that she's disinterested.

Yes, I suppose that could be a factor. Part of me likes her easygoing personality in that she's low maintenance and generally isn't argumentative. But I feel there needs to be more of a balance since relationships are about give and take in her effort towards me. Of course I'm not asking for her to declare her love to me every waking second, but I get zero reassurance from her. It then doesn't help my confidence when she very rarely asks to see me and the limited time we get to spend together these days (weekends are often restricted to a couple of hours in an evening round mine due to work which is starting to become a bit samey) makes me feel unimportant in her life and in the background somehow.

And yes, I agree with you Kabuhi. Precisely the reason why I've been bottling this up is to avoid such conflict and risk offending her and seeming needy!

Yes, that could be an issue as well. I think the core issue is I need more attention and affection from her to make me feel more wanted. But how do I express that without appearing 'needy,' 'clingy' or 'insecure'? Again, I'm starting to feel it could just be her laid back 'stoic' personality. But surely part of being in a relationship is about expressing your feelings and making your partner feel valued?

Visforvampire wrote:Yes, that could be an issue as well. I think the core issue is I need more attention and affection from her to make me feel more wanted. But how do I express that without appearing 'needy,' 'clingy' or 'insecure'? Again, I'm starting to feel it could just be her laid back 'stoic' personality. But surely part of being in a relationship is about expressing your feelings and making your partner feel valued?

Relationships can take many forms. The only way I believe to avoid appearing "needy, clingy, and insecure" is to avoid communicating that you are "needy, clingy, and insecure", which in fact you are. Rather than presenting increased intimacy as a direct response to your feelings, present it as the natural progression of a romantic relationship to her. Express a desire to become closer and progress to the "higher levels". Talk about your personal visions for the future, of your future together. Don't talk about your feelings, meaning don't say "I feel this way" or "that way".

This is why being able to communicate openly is a good skill.. unfortunately feeling needy and/or clingy can come from a similar place as finding it hard to do those things.