What is wrong with my boyfriend?

First off, my intention is not to hurt or vent about my boyfriend. I realize that he’s having some very real issues with himself and the relationship and I want to find out what it is and how to make it better for both of us. I very much love this guy and wouldn’t dream of leaving him if at all he needs me. But that is what I’m not sure.

He’s had a very tough childhood. One that involved physical abuse, emotional abuse and some neglect. He went to a boarding to school since the age of seven. And when he was back home - same abuse. But all this stopped when he turned 18 and graduated.
The way he described to me, that he always lived with his pride and since he was an athlete he was able to level himself and get ‘confidence’ through that. But still he’s not very close to people and doesn’t open about his feelings to anyone.

I haven’t know him for long, but we have interacted very much and he’s constantly told me, that he’s never been closer to a person than he’s been with me that way. He claims he could never possibly love anyone else.

And then, this things happened. Or more like, gradually built up. Initially into the relationship he claimed that he could never get jealous and childishly, I wanted to make him jealous, just for that. I used to flirt with guys casually, he never bothered reacting to it. I thought it was very open-minded of him and that he must have a lot of confidence in himself. He claims he has a lot of confidence and does exhibit a lot of confidence than any other person I have met. But then r he accused me of getting too close to guys after quite some time had passed when I had already forgotten about all those. We used to discuss about my ex’s and he always seemed chill about it and even inquired more into my past. I felt I could be myself and not hide anything from him and trusted him to see that even though everything happened I was now with him and in love with him.

But this went deep into his mind and even after my constant reassurance that I truly loved him and only him he never seemed to believe me. We fought multiple times over my lack of love for him. And this eventually led us to our break up.

I have to be blamed to for assuming things wrong about him, but he truly led me to believe that he was capable of handling my past and my character.

He also, keeps claiming that he doesn’t need anybody’s favor and neither mine. He constantly reiterates that he doesn’t “need” me, or expect anything from me. He has huge mood swings, and from hating me to loving me to seeking revenge. We are still in touch and he still tells me that he wouldn’t ever get close to a person the way he did with me. And that he’s addicted to me. And now we have agreed to be in an open relationship.

I love him dearly and do not have the heart to let him go. But he still seeks revenge and not just that, he’s going through some bad time including distrust, insecurity and lack of love. He believes that I “did” this to him and made him suffer. I don’t know what to do or how to deal with him.

You dont mess with the heads of people you love. This is not a healthy relationship. He's trying to be secure by telling these things to you, because it is with the hope that it makes you believe he's the best (which means he's actually very insecure). Your flirting in front of him undermines his confidence in himself and in you. Everything written here is blaming solely him for the relationship issues. Are you sure you have not contributed to the issues in some way?

I'm sorry to hear about the things you have been through and the situation you find yourself in,


"but he truly led me to believe that he was capable of handling my past and my character."

They may have tried but through misunderstandings or some other hardship it became too much. I'd just like to say that, even if a partner is willing to try their hardest in things like this respect, it doesn't mean that you -have- to exploit it. You should be able to exhibit the same qualities, for the sake of the relationship, even if you feel it's not within you or it's not warranted because the partner didn't directly ask.

That he rose an issue of feeling unloved leads me to believe that he wanted you to love him for his understanding and felt that it was more of a one-way relationship. I'm with the previous poster that some things that you assumed were ok on your side may have contributed to the way he turned out, and the breakup.

I apologise for the short and discouraging reply. I admit I did skim-read as I'm very back and forth today. I thus only covered a part that relates to something in my past too, where I have tried to be understanding to be helpful and then felt that things got worse and worse, etc, until I couldn't bear it any more. I'll try to reply later with an unbiased mindset and with better advice.

I'm with the previous poster and that you shouldn't mess with people's heads intentionally, whatever someone says. That is triggering for me as I believe that happened to me too, basically every good thing I tried to say or do got turned into a negative thing by the person I was trying to care for.

Best wishes to you and hope you feel better soon,

It seems like he's cooled off from you somewhat from the beginning of the relationship.

The best way to deal with him is not to try rile him up like you've been doing. Instead closely listen to him and lovingly and reassuringly respond to his hesitations or concerns. Make a concerted effort to show him her best side as opposed to your ugly side and he'll probably warm up to you again since he still has lingering attachments toward you.

But this went deep into his mind and even after my constant reassurance that I truly loved him and only him he never seemed to believe me. We fought multiple times over my lack of love for him. And this eventually led us to our break up.

See, here's the thing and an example of why you need to listen closely. He doesn't want your reassurances that you "love" him. He wants verbal and behavioral reassurances that his girlfriend isn't a "slut" and won't create future problems for him. You "love" him....but you're not faithful and that's a problem, do you get it?

Don't say "I love you" because that doesn't solve anything; instead tell him in clear terms that you're faithful to him and only him and then make it the truth through your actions. That demonstrates to him comprehension of his concerns, validates his feelings, and then addresses them. It's also such an impressive display of character and integrity that it might be so powerful that this one action could overwrite all of his previous impressions of you which is what you need if you hope to regain his trust. He needs one action of yours that he can remember so vividly that he can point to it and state with confidence "I'm with a great woman." It's actions like that which clearly go against the grain that have the power to change opinions.

And now we have agreed to be in an open relationship.

I'd never agree to be in an open relationship. Never agree to be an open relationship or request an open relationship ever again. That's like asking for future hate and resentment to enter the relationship. If he insists on an open relationship, then request a break up and be done with it.

Thank you very much for your insight, Daven, Kabuhi and Ditoros. It is absolutely right that you guys feel one shouldn't play with the heads of someone they love. But I failed to mention I'm have HPD. Sorry for that, but I wanted to see if it was normal for my boyfriend to react the way he did, without taking my condition into consideration. I have understood that it wasn't his fault at all, and thank you for that. But I wish he could have been more open about his feelings, as I was to him, it would have made me understand the sort of person he was. I'm not good at reading people. Anyways, I see what I got to do now, and once again, thank you.

I'm not sure about the open relationship thing either. It is not my thing, either. Let's see where it goes.

Jane@9696 wrote:Thank you very much for your insight, Daven, Kabuhi and Ditoros. It is absolutely right that you guys feel one shouldn't play with the heads of someone they love.

Jane@9696 wrote:But I failed to mention I'm have HPD. Sorry for that, but I wanted to see if it was normal for my boyfriend to react the way he did, without taking my condition into consideration. I have understood that it wasn't his fault at all, and thank you for that.

Ahh that makes sense, the person I mentioned, I think she may have had HPD too, if not BPD, or some combination. I think it was normal to react that way, yes, and taking HPD into consideration it may have been normal for you too, I wish you better luck in future.

Jane@9696 wrote:But I wish he could have been more open about his feelings, as I was to him, it would have made me understand the sort of person he was. I'm not good at reading people. Anyways, I see what I got to do now, and once again, thank you.

I can't comment as I'm not that person you're talking about, but in my case, I tried to be open as possible and the same things still happened. So it could be that maybe he was open too, but started to feel constant pressure, and to you it felt like he wasn't being open, but not to him (two people experiencing the same situation differently, very common for misunderstandings).
Also people can say and mean something, but because they are only human, they can fail at it too. People aren't infallible, if you understand that he may have had the best intentions and tried to uphold them, then I think he was being as open as possible. You may have been unrealistically too hard on him.
That was how I felt, I tried really, really hard, for months, despite being personally ill myself (and getting more ill from it), putting their needs above my own the entire time, and they as you, spoke about their ex-s and past a lot, specifically speaking of many ways in which they in fact treated them better while being treated worse themselves, so I persevered but it was difficult to feel fully loved. I didn't know she was BPD or HPD though, that would have made a huge difference to me, I knew there was something wrong with her but didn't know what so I just tried to be as stoic as possible in hopes she would "get better" but she never did, and when I had lapses where it was too much for me, the relationship got worse, and we broke up.

Jane@9696 wrote:I'm not sure about the open relationship thing either. It is not my thing, either. Let's see where it goes.

Hmm, was it his suggestion or yours? Not sure that it matters. He may be doing this because he is addicted to you, infatuated, he probably loves you and cares about you. In my opinion you should take him back and try to be nice and understanding to him in return. I think the pair of you experience the relationship very different, and that will always cause problems. Once you both work out that you actually love each other, that may help with putting off some of the problems, and increasing the level of understanding between you.
I loved and cared about her, btw, but it's over now.

Best wishes and I don't mean to seem hard on you at all Jane, we all have issues, me too and you seem really nice.

Hmm, was it his suggestion or yours? Not sure that it matters. He may be doing this because he is addicted to you, infatuated, he probably loves you and cares about you. In my opinion you should take him back and try to be nice and understanding to him in return. I think the pair of you experience the relationship very different, and that will always cause problems. Once you both work out that you actually love each other, that may help with putting off some of the problems, and increasing the level of understanding between you.

It wasn't my suggestion, actually. It was all him. I know he truly does love me, no doubts about that. And yeah, I have accepted it so far. He moved out of town to get some space though. I'm trying my best to hold my emotions together and give him the time needs. It's terrible on me, but I know, its probably the same for him in his own way. I hope it works out.