I shut myself to women and then suffer. Please, guide me.

Let's get straight on to the issue. I am almost 19 years old, and never had a girlfriend. I am lonely, and it depresses me. It really does destroy my life, whenever I travel around the world I see all those happy couples and then there is just me, and wherever I am(currently Las Vegas) things are no fun anymore.

Now, I spent a huge time trying to figure what is wrong with me, if I am ugly, if I am a bad person, if I can make the other person happy... It all took me years of hard thinking, and finally I think I know what my isse is.

Well see, all my life I grew up without a father, without a character I could follow. My dad in the past used to be often out of home, cheating and beating my mother. Then me and my mother moved to a different country, so all this time I had to do things on my own while my mother was away working hard so she can feed my mouth(thank you mother).

I know I am not a bad person, and I could love the girl for the wasy she is.
I know I always support my friends when I only can.
I never judge and always respect others.

Every, single time when I am out in the city, girls are giving me the looks, and are often saying things to me for example "wow you look nice" or "hello sexy". Even today I could hear a girl saying to her boyfriend "you know you could look like him *points at me* at least once" (I had my pro suit on).

So anyway, my isse is that I shut myself to women. When they talk to me, I am only trying to run away. I only say things like "thanks" etc but thats it. I dont even look at them anymore because whats the point. I mean what can I do to prevent myself of doing so? My confidence is so low on this one... If I believe I have the looks, if I believe I am not a bad person, how come I cant talk with women. I mean I never open to newly met women, itsmso hard to explait, but I just reject the idea of ever trying.

I am so lost. Just please dont say things like "the right time will come, or there is somone for everyone." Please tell me how to fix the issue.

It sounds as if the issues you had in the past with your parents, and the feeling that neither of them have been there for you may be affecting the way you feel today. You say that your self esteem is low,and if these feelings are deep rooted, you could benefit from speaking to a therapist.

In the meantime, please continue to work on your self esteem, perhaps working on the things that are good in your life. You say that you've travelled,and this is a real achievement for someone of your age. It will have given you life experience, maybe wisdom, and stories to tell. You say that women are attracted to you, and this means that you're projecting something positive and tangible. Please try to OWN the qualities that you have.

The secret to finding love lies in loving yourself - every aspect of yourself, good, not so good, even the mediocre. This sounds like a cliche because it's thrown around so much, but this also means that it must contain an element of truth. Therapy can help you to unlock real love for yourself, perhaps the love that you didn't receive from your father. When you can learn to love yourself, a real shift can occur, which can enable you to get close to women and express all the love that you have so far learnt to keep locked in.

Therapy, and allowing yourself to understand why it is that you feel as you do and grieving the past are all going to be very important in feeling better.

Work on your self esteem, and don't compare yourself to those in a relationship. You're living your own life, they're living theirs. As someone who is scared of being alone, I do understand. But I also learned that you really can't rush these things either. Just take it easy, and focus on yourself right now. The rest will come in time. You're still young.

You're problem is that you don't approach women for romantic relationships. You have to show them that you're interested in a sexual, romantic relationship with them before anything happens. Growing up in a dysfunctional family is not the reason since lots of people grow up in dysfunctional households but are still able to enjoy relationships with women.

Kabuhi wrote:Growing up in a dysfunctional family is not the reason since lots of people grow up in dysfunctional households but are still able to enjoy relationships with women.

I would have to disagree on this part. Perhaps it works that way for others, but there are some people who really get messed up living in dysfunctional homes. Especially someone who was never in therapy and started on the road to recovery. It could be playing a huge factor in all of this.

I apologize if this comes off as mean, it isn't meant in any way disrespectful.

My self esteem is low only towards women, I feel rejected and worthless. I can't see why any girl would like me. However I am slowly overcoming these thoughts, I just need to get it out of me just like I do on this forum, a little of guidence is great. The more I am aware of the problem the quicker I can fix it.

aliveatnight wrote:Work on your self esteem, and don't compare yourself to those in a relationship. You're living your own life, they're living theirs. As someone who is scared of being alone, I do understand. But I also learned that you really can't rush these things either. Just take it easy, and focus on yourself right now. The rest will come in time. You're still young.

Sure thing, but it is just difficult. Wherever I go things are just no fun anymore, I cant enjoy anything now matter how cool the something is. I go out, I see happy couples and think, "well, who would like me pff lol".

Kabuhi wrote:You're problem is that you don't approach women for romantic relationships. You have to show them that you're interested in a sexual, romantic relationship with them before anything happens. Growing up in a dysfunctional family is not the reason since lots of people grow up in dysfunctional households but are still able to enjoy relationships with women.

Yeah and that is exactly what my problem is, I don't even try - but I will, like a boss, I have nothing to lose anyway. About dysfunctional family, well I am not that sure about that. My father back then only used to criticise me about everything at such a young age, and then I had no one to show me whats good whats not. Thats why I guess I am so doubtful about almost everything I do... Well not so much anymore.

I live a lonely life, I need to feel needed by a woman, I mean thats how we have been made anyway, man and a woman. I always feel like I am this guy who no girl will ever want, like I am hated by god... That's the ultimate truth, things are up to me though, and I am going to change them.

Thank you.

You know, having the right therapist could be the most life affirming, positive thing that you ever do, which could provide a secure platform for you. Getting to the root of why you feel the way you do, and working on those feelings could help you to make the positive changes necessary to get the most out of life, and learn to truly love yourself.

Yeah, a therapist. I will see one after I am back from holidays in Vegas, still 2 months time to go.

I guess I just need to write about it, for myself, so I can re read everything and think about it.
You know... It doesnt stop here. I always get an extreme thoughts rush that are way overhelming, and I become very unstable. I lost my virginity at age of 18 with an escort(for money) and then did it another 5 times for money too. I just know there is so much I can offer to a girl, yet somehow I feel like they dont need it so why should I force it onto anyone.

I get suicidial thoughts once in a while, but I am way too scared of death.
I will see what the day will bring tomorrow.

Thanks.

Specter07 ,
The same problem as yours have millions people around the world. I have this problem!
But... it's just shyness.
I am sure you get everything you want because

Specter07 wrote:I lost my virginity at age of 18 with an escort

ya, you wanted sex and you wasn't shy or afraid of women then! To buy a woman is not to buy a newspaper! )) I couldn't buy such services for sure! ..though if I needed to do something badly I'd step on my shyness (as you do when you really need).

I don't know if you need to go to a therapist. I am not sure. Shyness is a sickness?

You should try to talk to girls more and more. Practice - if you say one phrase to a girl don't go away immediately, say another phrase. Always say no less than 2 phrase. Step by step you will learn to keep a conversation.

Also you can meet girls in the Internet. When you will meet her in reality you will know things about her and she will know about you (be fair) and it will be much easier.