Hi... New and Looking for Help/Understanding

Hello and my apologies if this is in the wrong section... I'm new and need some help. Mods, please move accordingly.

I am a married mom of 2. Married 10 years, oldest child is not my husband's child, but we live as a nuclear family and she visits with her father when he asks to see her. (She also refers to my husband as "dad" by personal choice.)

My oldest has recently come home upset because she feels her father always lies to her. To me, this is nothing new, as that's the reason that I left him when she was very young. I never spoke of this with her, and figured if anything, she would figure it out on her own one day. I genuinely felt that I was the "Crazy" one in our relationship and that I couldn't keep things straight. He would tell me he won a prize and show up at home with something completely different. When pressed, he would say "I never said that, you must not have heard me." It grew to be such a problem between he and I, that I eventually packed up and left while our daughter was just over one year old. I couldn't go on living every day feeling I was crazy. And to make matters worse, if he was confronted, he would become angry. (Never physical, just angry/temperamental.)

He has lied to my child's teacher, telling her that he was a police officer (he is not, although he did work auxiliary) and he even went so far as to say he would bring in the K9 unit for "show and tell." Her teacher approached me after he left and asked about this, and I struggled to reply "no, he isn't a police officer" and she said "that's so sad that he would tell lies to his child's teacher." His lies often revolve around "heroics" if that makes any sense. He has told my daughter that he was once a UFC fighter but long before she was born. This, of course, isn't true. Again, when he dropped her off one day and she mentioned it in front of me, he became angry with her and said "I never said that!" Same old pattern.

This has grown now to encompass our child. He has slandered the family (my husband, myself and our son) in front of her. Casually throwing around terms like "fat" and "irresponsible" when really it is him that doesn't want to pick up or drop off our daughter. He lives an hour away from us and almost always finds a reason to either ask us to drive her or have his parents drive her. I might add, neither myself or my husband (or son for that matter) are fat. We are all a regular every day family. (I don't care about weight issues, my point is that we are not what he says we are.) He likes to imagine that he works out at a gym and has an amazing physique (he doesn't attend the gym) so therefore, we are all fat slobs. He has told her "you don't need to listen to your step-dad, he's not your real dad" or "your brother isn't even really a brother, he's just THEIR kid." This is all new knowledge that she has shared with me.

Now, why am I posting this here? Well, recently I learned of the term Gaslighting. And when I read this, I was absolutely blown away. I couldn't believe that I felt I was reading something that was written exactly about him. I'm not one for diagnosing people, that's not my job, but this seems to exactly fit his M.O. However, it is now greatly affecting my daughter. I have full custody of her, and allow him visitation whenever he asks for it. He does not and has not owned a home since I left. He rents a room, so his daughter is unable to stay with him. She stays with his parents... who recognize his issues but do absolutely nothing to discourage them. In fact, recently, she asked me if she could have a "break" from him and I encouraged it - and her grandmother sent her messages telling her that she was making everyone feel sad, and how much they all missed her. Would she please reconsider being mad at daddy... I feel this is an unfair trade. A thirteen year old is being ganged up on for her father's actions. Am I wrong??

Please help me. Am I again crazy for feeling that this is what some would call "gaslighting"? Am I too worried? I honestly feel that this is abusive towards her. I can give more examples (like how he will move things and tell her that he never took/moved them) and I am happy to answer any questions. I guess I needed help and came here first. If I'm in the wrong place, I really apologize, but I am at my wits end.

Thank you.

My father was pretty much the same way. Always lying, and manipulating people emotionally. When I refused to see him anymore, he actually used that same technique, had my grandmother call my mother and talk about how much I had a bad attitude and was making everyone feel sad.

I realized that he really didn't love or care about me. It was all about him. If I didn't want to see him, that was my choice and someone that would have loved me would have respected that. I met him and told him flat out that I never wanted to see him again, ever. Eventually he called my mother and started yelling at her, calling her a b* for preventing me from contacting him. That manipulated my mother to want to call him with me so that we could explain the situation (she's nice and doesn't understand when she is being used). I knew he was just trying to re-establish contact so I said no.

In your case, her father does not seem like a positive influence. He even talks trash about you, and who knows what other type of lies and deceptions he is filling her head with? And how this will keep affecting how she views men in general.