Heartbroken from friendship ending

Hi, I am new to this site

I was really just about to start writing an email to a friend of mine that has hurt me in the past few months. You could say we are going though a break up so to speak and it really hurts because just out of the blue she seemed to turn her back on me. But she did it in such a way that I wasn't really sure what was happening. I was confused because she was becoming overly nice yet at the same time becoming more and more distant.
We had been friends for about 7 years and I considered her one of my best friends. We used to be able to talk for hours whenever we went out for lunch or coffee. We always saw eye to eye and I found that when I felt misunderstood by so many people around me that she was the one who would get it because she was feeling the same way. We are both yoga instructors, which we both found challenging because the yoga community is filled with do gooder types who focus so much on the positive that they dismiss anything that is considered negative. This leads to alot of shaming and righteous attitudes which makes it challenging to be real with anyone and can lead to repressed feelings. It was refreshing to have my friend agreed with me and through that friendship it was easy to express stress we were both going through in order to heal it.

About 2 years ago I was in a car accident, two of my friends badly injured. I was left traumatized and with survivors guilt because I was not injured. I developed a fear of driving and have not driven since, Instead choosing to ride my bike. I am single and live alone on a farm. The decision to ride my bike has been a big one since it has made my life very difficult. I am also facing court dates due to insurance which of course has been a strain on me. For the first while my friend was there to support. Then about October of last year things started to slowly change as she started seeing her own therapist due to depression. She said she was struggling because she was married but didn't feel she had her own life and didn't know what her purpose was. She was feeling guilt for not doing anything with her life. My heart went out to her and I supported her as she was supporting me through my pain and challenges.

She was put on medication to treat depression, one to make her sleep, and one for ADHD. Her Psychiatrist told her to only do what she wanted for the next 3 months. She began going out more and more with out her husband, making new friends and trying many new activities. I supported this at first. happy that she was finding freedom. However she began to show lack of consideration for others feelings around her. She became apathetic to how her actions affected others. She seemed to become reckless with her behavior taking on more and more responsibilities and then not being able to come through with all of them. She started posting things on facebook daily about how awesome she was and posting picture after picture of herself in skimpy clothing and sexy yoga poses. She seemed to be getting more and more full of herself with every male compliment she received under these pictures. I noticed that the more attention she was getting , the less she was wanting to spend time with me. This really hurt because I felt cast aside, not longer needed or useful in her state of euphoria and popularity. Our friendship which she once called her lifeline was now a hindrance.

She was too caught up in her own joy to find time to help me through struggles when life was not so great for me. She would post things on facebook about how those who chose to feel pain were only ignorant of who they truly are and in essence idiots. On some level I think she feels she is now above pain and embracing who she truly is which is love. But I feel that to shut a friend out with such indifference and apathy is chilling and not love at all. She stopped calling to see how I was, found reasons to turn down my invitations for lunch or coffee, but yet smiles brightly at me when we are forced to pass each other in yoga class on the days we both teach. Normally I would find a smile comforting and inviting, but yet knowing that she has completely and emotionally shut herself off from me, I find the smile a painful jab that just makes me mourn the realness of a friend I no longer see behind those eyes.

I am definitely feeling grief. My heart is broken from the loss of a friend whom I had relied so deeply on. I feel shamed for having these struggles in my life and not being able to be bright and sunny the way she is so displaying herself right now. I feel confused with positivity because I am meeting more and more people these days who speak of positivity , joy, bliss, and oneness, but yet can be so cold and cut off from anything that is not their own happiness. It has sent me in to a place of despair as well as deep deep soul searching. Re evaluating people who have an extreme need for positivity. Reading books like "The dark side of the light chasers" by Debbie Ford. "Spiritual Bypassing" By Robert Augustus Masters. And also questioning the role of medication and how this has played a role in this unhealthy detachment I am faced with in my friendship.

I know this is a heart break that will make me stronger and more aware eventually. But right now I am feeling a bit shaken up from it and a bit low. So I am asking for support, advice, opinions and anyone willing to share similar stories.

Thank you .

I'm truly sorry at your loss, your sense of bewilderment, and feelings of hurt and betrayal. You had a friend with whom you shared so much, who has now changed and thoughtlessly and cruelly rejected you.

She is also smiling brightly whenever she sees you, which I can imagine compounds your sense of confusion and loss, and invalidates her rejection of you.

You have written a very articulate and moving post here. Maybe you could rewrite your post in the form of a letter or e mail to your friend, saying everything that you have said here, telling her how you feel, but not in an accusing way? This would at least give you a sense of closure and allow you to begin to grieve the loss of the friendship, and would also allow her a chance to explain herself, or even to rebuild a bridge?

Thank you for your reply.

I think that was the question I was really asking. Should I bother to send a heartfelt email to someone who is so obviously emotionally shut off from me? Is it perhaps the medication that is causing this detachment and would it be a waste of time to try to reach out to someone who can't feel?
I have had no experience with medications so have no idea if these behaviors are normal for someone on anti depressants.

Any opinions of insights are very appreciated.
I'm really feeling on my own here.

Because I am in the yoga community I feel there are too many people whom I like to call "the positivity cult" Anytime I have tried to talk to someone about this I get responses like
" just let it go, its in the past"
" what bothers you about someone else is just a reflection of what you dont like about yourself"
" only you can end your own suffering"
" we are all love, so dont dwell on negativity"

I dont consider myself to be someone who dwells or gets caught in negativity. But this is a serious let down and heartbreak, which I feel warrants some time to heal. Yet I keep getting blocked by all the positivity seekers, who are basically telling me that because I am hurt, I am dong something wrong.

You can imagine how isolated I am feeling right now.

I've mixed with people in New Age circles and I know exactly the attitude you describe - "positivity and love and light at all costs" This, in my opinion, is far removed from the general ethos of what spirituality should be all about and it invalidates a person's wider experiences.

Writing the email may give you a sense of closure and you don't necessarily have to send it. Only you can decide whether or not you think it will be well received. Sending it, however, may clear up any misunderstandings that you may not be aware of.

Hun, your emotions and feelings are VALID. They don't make you a negative person. They make you a person with dimension and depth, a person who is real, and who can use those experiences at some point in the future in a compassionate way. Please, for now, give YOURSELF compassion, and allow yourself to grieve for your friendship. It's okay and healthy to grieve.

Hugs to you.

Thank you for the support.

This has been quite devastating and I am only now feeling the grief of it as I allow myself to acknowledge how hurt I really feel.

This link about the seven stages of grief might help you
relationship/topic84035.html

You know, I believe that there are times when people come into our lives for a reason, and they might not always stay in our lives. We can be thankful for the times we shared with them, for the lessons they taught us, and for the opportunity of giving them something of ourselves too. It can be very painful when these friendships come to an end. Someone once likened them to "ships that pass in the night" which I thought was rather poignant and beautiful. For a time our lives become entwined, and we give and gain from knowing them. We also leave a little part of ourselves behind, and they leave a little part of themselves with us. The same person said that we all contain a part of all the people we have ever known, and they're a part of what makes us who we are. Acknowledging and being thankful for the friendship can help, and so can allowing yourself to grieve and mourn for the loss.

The following is my letter of closure to her.

I would appreciate some advice or thoughts on it before I send.
I want to make sure I am being mature and coming from the heart. At the same time being honest and saying things that need to be addressed in order to bring clarity to the situation.

Letter

I should have addressed this weeks ago. Instead I took my time going over the events of the last few months I regretfully came to the conclusion that if you are so caught up in your own life that can’t find time to check in on my life, especially at a time that I needed a friend, then sadly there is no friendship anymore. It feels as though you started to build up resentment for me. Since you haven’t taken the time to express any of what happened for you, I am not going to waste time speculating on your distance and emotionally unavailability.

The first time I felt it was the day I came to your class. I saw it in the detached way that you informed me you had other plans and couldn’t’t go for coffee, showing no disappointment or interest in rescheduling. I felt it in the way you touched me in that very awkward adjustment that you gave me. I've never felt a colder or more impersonal touch. At least not from a friend.
Regardless of your indifference at the time, I gave you the benefit of the doubt and still considered you my best friend. The person that always seemed to be going through what I was going through, and it helped the world make sense in times of confusion. I will always remember the many times we had restaurants wait patiently to close as we finished up one of our long discussions that had already been going on for hours. I thought we would be friends for life.

I'm sorry I ever asked you to look after Tabitha. It is clear to me now that you had no idea the importance of the task I had trusted you with or how stressed I was at having to leave her while she was sick. At the time I considered you my dearest friend so of course I wanted to it to be you. It is clear now that you resented having to do it. I am not mad that you got sick. I understand these things happen. It sounds like it was a bad one and I am sorry you had to go through that. But what hurt the most is that you waited till the last minute to let me know. Yet had found time to post on facebook about it just 2 hours before. The fact that Facebook took priority over my feelings or time was painful. Your lack of consideration for my time and emotions only amplified by your request for me to leave a simple note, for a task that needed much more attention.

I’m not sure what’s been going on for you. It seems as though you are in an overly heightened state incapable of empathizing. Or perhaps you are feeling you are above suffering now. I questioning whether this eerie change was brought on by the medication. Considering I used to view you as such a caring and contentious individual. I have to be honest, I find your apathy these days, chilling.

With all that said, I just want you to know that I understand how hard things were for you. For 5 years I listened to your struggles of not knowing what to do with your life. It sounds as though you have felt abandoned an unsupported through your whole life. My heart would break every time you opened up to me. You must have been in a great amount of pain to choose this path of guarded euphoria. I hold no resentment or ill will towards you and wish you only the best.

My lack of smile for you is from heartbreak, not animosity. And every time you smile brightly at me even though you have not been there as a friend for me in months, it is just a painful jab and reminder of how indifferent you have become. So please out of respect for the once real friendship that we had, don’t impose your detached joy on me. Allow me this space to go through the awkward transition of loosing a dear friend to mere acquaintance. I respect you for your skill in teaching and In time I will be able to view you as a respected co worker. But for now don’t smile at me as though all is well, when you have clearly chosen walk away from our friendship. Honestly, I find it superficial and bizarre behavior.

I thank you for all the amazing talks we used to have. I will miss our friendship and how we somehow managed to always find hilarity in darker sides of life. I am grateful for our time together and will always look on those times fondly.
I wish you the best in your future and hope you are able to find authentic joy for the rest of you life.

All the best to you
With Love

You have been very clear in expressing your feelings. Try to read it again, if you can from an objective and detached stance, as if you were your friend, and try to imagine how you would receive such an email, from your friend's perspective.

The content is clear and succinct, but it might help if you could write it in the form of what is known as a "praise sandwich" http://www.wikihow.com/Give-a-Feedback-Sandwich

In delivering the praise sandwich, you start the email on a positive note, and then in the middle part, tell her how much her behaviour has hurt you, following once more on a positive note and wishing her well for the future.

This is a useful method of delivering feedback or constructive criticism to a person, and this might be the most effective way to write the email if you feel that you want to salvage the friendship, and remain positive, whilst also assertively letting your friend know how much she has hurt you.

This is not to excuse her behavour, but could it possibly be that her depression and subsequent carefree attitude is a symptom of something that may be deeper than mere depression, especially if you feel she has been acting out of character and has shown symptoms of highs alternating with depression? Or could she have other life or health issues that she hasn't told anyone about? I am not a doctor and obviously can't diagnose her, but maybe there are explanations for her behavour that have prevented her from acting in an empathetic way towards you? At least if the effects of her behavour were pointed out to her, she would then have the opportunity to examine it and possibly rectify it?

Whilst it's understandable that you're hurt and angry, and important that you express these feelings to your friend, it is never a good idea to send a letter or email to anyone if you're actively fuming in a state of anger. It's much better to take a step back, re-read the email, show assertiveness rather than anger, state your feelings and allow your friend the opportunity to re-salvage the friendship if this is what she wants to do.

Thank you for this

And thank you for your honesty and the gentle way you pointed out the anger in the letter. I know there is anger and hurt I am going to have to go through and heal before communicating to her. I am hoping to also build the skills you have shown here, by communicating feelings with out blame and judgment. I am working on it now, and I feel the link you have sent me will be very beneficial.

I have no intention of sending the letter until I know I am over the need to blame. I am not there yet and i think that is ok. Its part of the healing.

Thank you for listening and sharing you advice. It means alot

Hey, let us know how it goes!