Why do I bring other people’s opinions into the conversation

For some reason, sometimes when I have discussions with my wife, we end up arguing for days. The tragic thing is, that most of the time, the opinions I’m fronting, are not even my own.

I don’t know why I’m doing this.. and my wife takes the opinions I’m putting out there, as they are my own. And she freaks out, saying that she doesn’t know me anymore.

We’ve both come to realize that I’m doing this, bringing other people’s opinions into the mix, but I can’t seem to figure out the reason why I would be doing this, so I can stop doing it.

I’m not aware of the fact myself, once we have a discussion, that what I’m putting out there, is not my own views.. put then the harm is already done.. and once I realize that what I’m saying is opposing views to my wife’s, my wife already thinks they are my views, and I guess as a defence mechanism, I start defending the views I’ve put out there or make them seem less important.. and the more I freak out about her getting upset with me for saying what I’m saying, the more I find ways to defend the opinions that are not my own.. only to realize days later, that what I was talking about, was not something I support in the first place..

Once other thing I’m having problems with, is that a lot of times, I think I’ve given my wife all the details about what I thought was relevant for her to know about something, only to find out later, that half the information is still left in my head, and only half of the information I shared with her. It’s like I have expected her to be inside my head, and already have all the background information. And sometimes I mix up two separate matters, so it’s impossible for her to know that they’re separate or not. One example, is when I when we were expecting some papers from a real estate agent in the mail. So at the same time, I was on the phone with a judge, about a matter of big concern, and I was really happy and excited about the phone conversation, and the outcome, and I told my wife immediately something like “I’ve arranged so that we can go talk to them really soon! And he will send the papers!”. What my wife obviously didn’t realize, was that in my head, this sentence was a combination of two separate things, the first part was concerning the talk with the judge, and the last part was about the papers the real estate agent would send us. So now my wife was under the impression that the judge would send us some papers too, and she was worried if they would get to us in time before we had to leave to go somewhere we’d planned for a long time. And I was under the impression that she understood that they were two separate matters.

So, I seem to have a problem with separating the important from the not important. In discussions with my wife, when I bring unimportant and unrelated matters into the conversation, and also I present other people’s opinions as my own.. And when I tell her practical information, I sometimes mix things up, or I am not aware that I’m not giving her the whole background information, and misunderstanding occur and we end up arguing.

What are your thoughts about this? It’s soon been 4 years like this, and I’m afraid the relationship will come to an end in a few days if I don’t figure out the reason why I’m doing this, and how to stop it….

You may very well be doing this out your own insecurities. You mentioned this has been going on for four years. How long have you been in this relationship? It might be time to talk with a counselor.

Good suggestion! But then I'll have to figure out what it could be that I have insecurities about

I've been in the relationship for the 4 years.. so it's been like this from the beginning.

The thing is, I never had this problem in relationship with anyone else.. not with any family members, friends, colleagues, exes etc.. they never misunderstood me, yelled at me, or blamed me for saying something wrong, and they never told me that something I said was irrelevant or took it absolutely literally something I said..

I really want to resolve this matter.. I really love this girl, and I'm not the one that wants to end the relationship, but she's giving me an ultimatum (until Monday).. either I figure out why I'm doing this, or else it's over..

so all this makes me feel like I'm self sabotaging myself, something that's definitely not my intention.. and I keep telling her that, but she says that if I care about her, then I have to find out why I'm doing this asap..

I just can't seem to figure out why all this is happening, and why I'm doing this, no matter how much time I spend thinking about it.. or if this is something my wife brings out of me, and I'm the one "normal"

My wife said today that she thinks I have dependent personality disorder.

It might make sense.

So I'm contemplating if it's beneficial for either of us to continue the relationship.

I read that this disorder will involve long term treatment for me to get self efficient enough, so I'm not sure if it's fair to her to continue this..

I know this disorder says that I will do anything to please other people, so me saying I'm thinking to end the relationship for her to not have to deal with my problems, probably makes me a textbook DPD.. I'm not afraid of being alone, but I'm not thrilled about it either.

it's been 4 years already for her, and I'm sure it must be tiring and frustrating for her to live with me like this..

We're a perfect match on the practical and intimate level (works totally perfectly for me), but so and so on the intellectual (and I think that is equally or more important to her)..

No one on the forum can diagnose you, so it might be sensible to seek a professional opinion on this.

It certainly seems as if there are problems communicating with each other, and you're both now questioning where this relationship is heading. Therapy could help you to find a way forward, whether or not you remain together, and help you to make sense of the issues that you've raised, and even help you with a diagnosis if you feel that you do have a disorder.

From what you've said, it seems as if you have some difficulties asserting and expressing yourself to your partner. You have said that you don't have these difficulties with other people, so could it be possible that they're related to the dynamics of the relationship itself?

I agree with masquerade. There is no way to know whats going on for sure until you seek a professional opinion. When my wife and I were dating we hit a couple of roadblocks in the relationship, things we needed to work through. I decided she was worth it. We committed to each other and we got through each one together. It took time. We even broke up for about a month but after we made it through all of that, we knew we wanted to be together forever. It sounds like you guys need to have a conversation about your commitment to each other. I'm going to tell you from experience, there's nothing like someone who unconditionally loves you willing to stand with you while you deal with life issues. I'm praying for you guys.