Unhealthy relationship again

I think I have walked straight into another unhealthy relationship. I am so confused. I don t know if I just see emotional abuse everywhere, provoke it, or it really is there.

I was in a very long emotionally, very occassionally physically abusive relationship, lots of controlling, isolating, manipulating, cheating, silent treatment, shouting, lying etc.
A year after that ended I have started to see someone new, nearly been six months now, but I am more confused than ever.

I try to be respectful of his, time, not shout, not make demands, I try to make it better, I don t always do what he wants, I do cancel plans sometimes. I maybe hold back too much, I don t know, I tell him I care when I see him. Maybe it s me, I provoke this in people, maybe I need to learn to be more caring, or let people in more. My abusive ex from the long relationship, seems to be happy with someone else, yet here I am again, in something that feels bad.

He started shouting at me, then demanding to know what was more important than him, when he had made an extra effort to spend time with me. I said I had prearranged plans, that I appreciated the thought, he took a surprise day off to spend time with me, yet we had planned three days together, and then he changed it all at the last minute without consulting me.

After the shouting, and crying, and telling me I didn t care about him, he ended things with me.
I tried to be reasonable, to say that I did care. I don t know maybe I didn t try hard enough.

I don t know, maybe I should have changed my plans, maybe I am cold and thoughtless. Maybe I hold back too much in relationships.

I think one of the reasons why some people enter unhealthy, abusive relationships time and time again is that these people are usually bad judges of a person's character. Maybe they weren't exposed to high character during their childhoods and they never properly learned to differentiate between a good person and a bad person. Like a lot things, how can you learn to recognize character if you've never been regularly exposed to character.

My question to you is "What type of character traits are you looking for in men?". But maybe before you answer you answer that question, you should first answer the question, "Are you even paying attention to the character traits of the men you're getting involved with or is it something that doesn't even cross your mind?". I believe it's very important to associate with good people and avoid associating with bad people if you want to find happiness, because good people won't go out of their way to hurt you. You need to pay attention and be choosy about who you let in your life first.

Hey herewegoagain33

I know relationships can be really challenging at times. No relationship is perfect and in all relationships there are disagreements. How you handle these disagreements is what makes your relationship healthy or unhealthy. Believe it or not its normal and health to have disagreements. These disagreements help you learn and grow as a couple.

If your involved with someone that is calling you names and making personal attacks when you have disagreements that is not ok and you need to end things. If they are being physically abusive that is also a big problem and you need to end things right away.

Setting boundaries and managing expectations is the key in all relationships. I know your going to hate me for telling you this but I know this info will help you. You need to learn how to have disagreement without letting it get out of control. From what you have said in your post it sounds to me like your a person that is afraid of confrontation. Your willing to sacrifice your own desires just so you don't have a disagreement. However at some point you get sick of just going along with things and decide you want some freedom back. The guys your dating see this as you pulling away from them and it causes them to feel insecure and you end up fighting about it.

My advice to you is take your time when you meet someone new. Spend time getting to know them before you get into a committed relationship with them. When you first start a relationship have boundaries; Limit the amount of time you spend alone with the person. I would even have them hangout with you and your friends on a regular basis to start with. This will help you see how they treat other people and how they fit into your life.

Hope this helps!

~Travis

Kabuhi wrote:I think one of the reasons why some people enter unhealthy, abusive relationships time and time again is that these people are usually bad judges of a person's character. Maybe they weren't exposed to high character during their childhoods and they never properly learned to differentiate between a good person and a bad person. Like a lot things, how can you learn to recognize character if you've never been regularly exposed to character.

My question to you is "What type of character traits are you looking for in men?". But maybe before you answer you answer that question, you should first answer the question, "Are you even paying attention to the character traits of the men you're getting involved with or is it something that doesn't even cross your mind?". I believe it's very important to associate with good people and avoid associating with bad people if you want to find happiness, because good people won't go out of their way to hurt you. You need to pay attention and be choosy about who you let in your life first.

That was good advice. I learned from this

exquisitecorpse wrote:That was good advice. I learned from this

That's not the only reason, but I think it's one reason. People sometimes take for granted that you'll just know something when it in reality you have no basis for knowing something and then make know effort to help you know.