My EX boyfriend wants me to change

Hi when I was with my boyfriend for six months he wanted me to change. I said absolutely no. I will not change for anyone. It is not the correct thing to do. I still think this. In hindsight though I was wrong. He was not asking me to change my style, language, clothes etc he wanted me to quit smoking, take care of myself etc but another change I cannot figure out.

However he has told me after we split up even though he wanted better sex and didn't like that I did not take care of myself that I need to change. The thing is he will not say exactly what it is he wants me to change to? In terms of sex he is versatile and I am bottom because although I have had a lot of sex in my life I cannot get hard when there is someone in the room. So I worry it is because I could not TOP him. He said had the sex been better it would have given us more time when we were together to work things out. However that is not the main reason. He just wont/cant tell me?

It is driving me crazy because 8 months later when I think about him it kills me. I love him so much. Obviously in these 8 months I have moved on for many months but lately I want him and I to be happy together.

We have met once since we broke up. I asked him to meet in November and he agreed. Then changed his mind. We finally met a few months ago this year. We held hands. Had fun. Cuddled. After I left he messaged me saying he really wanted to have kissed me goodbye like old times.

Big mistake I made was go in way too heavy after that and it distressed him. He says he loves me but cannot ever see us being together.

He takes care of himself. Is quiet etc. I just want to know what it is you guys think he wants me to change to so we can be together?

I asked one of my close friends why he would not meet me again after saying he wanted to kiss me goodbye and holding hands. She suggested that he missed me and wanted to see me but after having seen me did not feel I had changed enough.

Please more wise guys than me...He loves me..it hurts him to think about me so he tries not to have much contact/messages with me. He does miss me though. What do I need to do so we can be happy together?

Maybe at first you should talk with him about communication, what you don't understand, what you want. He said that you should change things so in return of that I think that you also could tell him what he could change. But I also think that you shouldn´t take responsability for him or feel guilty or sad because of him. Maybe he is too shy and you can help him but in the end it is his decision. There are probably things that you should change like to stop smoking cigaretts - unhealthy things. But mostly, like he has his problems, for example to communicate, so you also have yours and you can´t and should change everything, otherwise you lose yourself.

And to be honest, to say that he loves you but don´t see that you´re both could be together sounds manipulative, like he blames you and say that it´s your fault.

As you can see for yourself, you feel guilty.

There's no right or wrong when it comes to changing oneself. The big questions are "Do you want to change?", "Can you change?", and "Are you willing to do what it takes to change?".

Yes. yes I do. My ex almost word for word wrote what you just wrote. Then he wrote No, you do not want to change.

I fear I have left it too long..We have now been apart for longer than we were together. I do want to change and I have already began to change..healthier life, more focus, more goals, quit smoking.

I only hope he will let me show the change to him.