Paranoid about GF's sex past

@Naimesis, i feel the same.

I know exactly what you mean. You sound like a smart person. You know that you can't expect others to have no sexual past and you accept that idea. However, when things become real and you hear about the exes, you can't help but imagine them with your s.o. and feel repulsed.

(TW) Is it jealousy? Okay, but it's much more than that. It's similar to drinking from someone else's glass (not sure if this is the right example... whatever); you know rationally that it's harmless, but when you're actually confronted with it, you just can't help but feel disgusted. However, the sex thing is on every level: physical, emotional, etc. You can't bear the thought of your s.o. having sex with someone else; it disgusts you that she touched them, it disgusts you that she loved them.

I lost my virginity to a non-virgin as well. Any reference to her past was the ultimate rage trigger (internally). The only way i could cope with it, on the long term, is by trying (trying!!) to be better than the others by making her experience things that she had never felt before. Still, secretly, i always wished my 'first' was a virgin, so that she would have been "all mine". I don't know if it's a control thing, self-esteem issue, who knows.

"Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance."
- Oscar Wilde

Sums it up nicely...

I'm glad you are able to understand and relate to me, as I do with you.

Unfortunately, so far I haven't a good way to cope with this. Not even when she told me about how many sexual partners she had before and guaranteed that I am the best she ever had I was able to accept it. Not then and not now. It's not (only) the fact that they were better or not, it's the fact that there was somebody else... I think the best way to cope with this is to start from the ground up, and there's much to rebuild from my internal structure.

Yep. I don't want to discourage you, but i haven't had a sexual partner since i broke up with my first GF, 5 years ago... (ouch!!)

The repulsion is definitely not the root of the problem, though. I have deep issues of avoidance. Somehow, i imagine that a way to cope would be a more promiscuous kind of sex. Perhaps to even out the 'experience' factor with future partners, at the same time helping to disassociate sex and emotion, through exposure.

I feel like i would not care about a one night stand's sexual past. But when it comes down to execution, i always back away.

Naimesis wrote:The problem is not her, it's me.

You keep stating this, but it's simply not true. The problem rests with both of you. You want a girlfriend who doesn't have a history of promiscuity and she has a history of promiscuity, thus there is a non-congruence between what you want and who she is. It's perfectly okay to have an ideal type of girlfriend or to have standards regarding romantic partners. There's nothing wrong with you, per se.

At the same time you have to realize that your girlfriend simply doesn't meet all the standards of your ideal type of girlfriend and never will. It's wouldn't be kind or considerate to her to beat her up or berate for something that she'll never be. That doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you however. Things simply are the way they are and that's all there is to it. That's the way reality works sometimes.

Naimesis wrote: Not even when she told me about how many sexual partners she had before and guaranteed that I am the best she ever had I was able to accept it. Not then and not now. It's not (only) the fact that they were better or not, it's the fact that there was somebody else...

This is a bit of projection on her part. Women want to feel as though they're the best, the most beautiful, or most desired woman in the world. But as a man, it doesn't really matter all that much to you if you're these things. If another guy was more handsome or had a better personality, these are things you can live with.

It's the vulgar thoughts and images of her that haunt you, those images of her kissing other men, sharing intimacy with them, exposing the most private areas of her body, groping one another, having sexual intercourse, etc. If it had all been with you, then it would be a mutual expression of affection and something the two of you shared. These vulgar things weren't done with you however, thus they carry no special meaning. To make matters worse, she's shared this experience with multiple partners which further diminishes it's aesthetic significance and increases the visceral disgust you feel. It's understandably emotionally upsetting, as is the idea that the romantic moments you cherish so much are run-of-the-mill for her and nothing special.

Trust me, I get it. It's why I don't blame men for being upset by their partner's sexual history or try to convince them that their feelings are wrong. Your girlfriend doesn't really understand though nor will she even if you explain it to her like I've explained it to you. See for her things are simple, as long as she's better than the others it doesn't matter to her that she's not your first. But things aren't quite that simple for you, so you can't expect her to understand your feelings.

Naimesis wrote:I fear I'm starting to get paranoid about my girlfriend's sex past. This is my first lasting relationship, but she on the other hand has already been through some. I lost my virginity with her, while she had already had sex before, and this is as much as I know about her sexual past.

At start this didn't bother me much, but as our relationship progressed I started to think about it. I think of the fact that my girlfriend had at least one sexual partner before me, and it makes me feel bad. I'm not sure how to describe the feeling... Something like self conscious and frustrated, imagining her having sex with other men, drawing pleasure from them, moaning their name... And the fact that she's still friend with most her ex's... She was my first and only, and hopefully it will stay like this, and in a certain way that feels special to me. But she has more experience, which she can compare to mine... In this matter I'm still innocent and naive.

I can't say I or her have any problems with our sex life, it's actually quite good, but then I start wondering if she's judging me and comparing me to her past others. That maybe she misses them, or will miss them in the future. There ain't no real issues in our relationship at the moment, but this bugs me. In fact, these thoughts aren't that occurrent, but I still can't shake them out of my head. I wondered if I should talk to her about this, but I'm afraid to mess up just because of some stupid insecurity. What should I do?

1)How old are both of you?
2)Shes still "friends" with her exes?
3)She claims your the best she ever had when shes the one that took your viriginity? wow don't be so gullable dude
I cant tell you for sure but I been there done that and usually in situations like this it means shes playing you....

Find another woman. I know how you feel, when I was younger I was kinda like what you describe, but as you grow older and man up you will learn to never let another woman ###$ with your head again. You are the man, you are in control

P0ci wrote:1)How old are both of you?
2)Shes still "friends" with her exes?
3)She claims your the best she ever had when shes the one that took your viriginity? wow don't be so gullable dude
I cant tell you for sure but I been there done that and usually in situations like this it means shes playing you....

Find another woman. I know how you feel, when I was younger I was kinda like what you describe, but as you grow older and man up you will learn to never let another woman ###$ with your head again. You are the man, you are in control

1) In our 20s
2) Yes, she's still friends with her exes. No, she's not "friends" with her exes.
3) Around this time, she really would have to be a major manipulative psycopathic SOAB with a detailed underlying plot to be playing with me.

You may have been there and done whatever, but you show to be having no clue of what's going on here (and that you only barely read the first post, if so). What's impressive is how you managed to reach such conclusions from that alone.

HI Naimesis,

My personal view on the situation you've described -

It's okay to have insecurities. We all have them. There are a lot of ways to try to avoid facing that we have them, including avoiding becoming emotionally invested in others, but that doesn't really make the insecurities go away, it is just away to avoid putting oneself in a situation where those insecurities bubble to the surface.

Yes of course the people we become sexually involved with are likely to have had previous partners, and that reality becomes increasingly true the older we are, and the older our partners are.

Yes, it may well happen that our partner has some thoughts along the lines of comparing us to someone else. There is absolutely nothing we can do that is going to stop them from having those thoughts, and odds are too if you reach a point where you've had ex partners at some point you'll have some of the same type of comparative thoughts, AND the important part... you simply won't be able to prevent yourself from having them either.

There is one thing you and she does have total control over :

Your awareness of each other, and how you treat each other. If she is respectful of your feelings, and goes out of her way not to intentionally hurt you by triggering your insecurities, you've found a keeper Likewise it's something you can do for her too, build her self-esteem up rather than poke and prod at her insecurities and tear her down. Thoughts about the past happen, but so do thoughts about the present, and if she is treating you well in the present... that's a thought too, and the thought/s that matter most to me personally.

Naimesis wrote:

P0ci wrote:1)How old are both of you?
2)Shes still "friends" with her exes?
3)She claims your the best she ever had when shes the one that took your viriginity? wow don't be so gullable dude
I cant tell you for sure but I been there done that and usually in situations like this it means shes playing you....

Find another woman. I know how you feel, when I was younger I was kinda like what you describe, but as you grow older and man up you will learn to never let another woman ###$ with your head again. You are the man, you are in control

1) In our 20s
2) Yes, she's still friends with her exes. No, she's not "friends" with her exes.
3) Around this time, she really would have to be a major manipulative psycopathic SOAB with a detailed underlying plot to be playing with me.

You would be surprised at how manipulative some women are. And if shes telling you someone with no prior sexual experience that your her best?....... Get real.....

xdude wrote:HI Naimesis,

My personal view on the situation you've described -

It's okay to have insecurities. We all have them. There are a lot of ways to try to avoid facing that we have them, including avoiding becoming emotionally invested in others, but that doesn't really make the insecurities go away, it is just away to avoid putting oneself in a situation where those insecurities bubble to the surface.

Yes of course the people we become sexually involved with are likely to have had previous partners, and that reality becomes increasingly true the older we are, and the older our partners are.

Yes, it may well happen that our partner has some thoughts along the lines of comparing us to someone else. There is absolutely nothing we can do that is going to stop them from having those thoughts, and odds are too if you reach a point where you've had ex partners at some point you'll have some of the same type of comparative thoughts, AND the important part... you simply won't be able to prevent yourself from having them either.

There is one thing you and she does have total control over :

Your awareness of each other, and how you treat each other. If she is respectful of your feelings, and goes out of her way not to intentionally hurt you by triggering your insecurities, you've found a keeper Likewise it's something you can do for her too, build her self-esteem up rather than poke and prod at her insecurities and tear her down. Thoughts about the past happen, but so do thoughts about the present, and if she is treating you well in the present... that's a thought too, and the thought/s that matter most to me personally.

Thank you for your insight, I really appreciated it. Luckily, we both have each other's constant support and I can't really argue about she did and does for me. Even if she did not understand my insecurities in this matter, she never tried to hurt me, and I even notice sometimes that she avoids mentioning anything about her past that may trigger this again.

P0ci wrote:

Naimesis wrote:

P0ci wrote:You would be surprised at how manipulative some women are. And if shes telling you someone with no prior sexual experience that your her best?....... Get real.....

Yes, I know and I believe you. But I have no reasons to doubt her. Even if I had, it's not my main concern. Have a good day.

Naimesis wrote:...Even if she did not understand my insecurities in this matter, she never tried to hurt me, and I even notice sometimes that she avoids mentioning anything about her past that may trigger this again...

My thought is she might not relate to your specific insecurity, but I think that's okay. If she is a generally empathetic toward you that's what matters in the now. Besides...

She may well have her own insecurities in other areas of life, including about sex in someways that others are okay with; insecurities she has not yet shared; and/or likely some insecurities she has yet to learn about. Sometimes we just don't know what our insecurities are until we are put into a situation that triggers them, though we can generally know that we are humans, and have insecurities even before/if they are triggered.

My guess is if you discovered she is insecure about something you'd treat her like you'd want to be treated, with understanding